What does it actually look like to pursue goals and live a life of purpose as a military spouse? And what does that look like when you’re in the middle of a major life event? Like PCS, is it even possible? That’s the question we’re going to be diving into in this special bonus episode of the milspouse mastermind show.

[00:00:21] Each month, I take you behind the scenes for a real-life recap and show you what it looks like to live with purpose as a military spouse, the good, the bad, and the unexpected. Over the last few months I’ve been sharing about the buildup to our upcoming PCS. And this month it actually happened. We physically moved from one location to another.

[00:00:46] And if you already to hear what actually happened, how I pursued my goals and what I learned in the process, then you’re going to love this episode.

[00:01:48] Friends, I am so happy to be back with you today. Recording this episode from my coat closet in our new house. So yes, we’re in a new house and yes, I am having just as many difficulties trying to figure out where I can record without echos. In fact, it might be a little more complicated because this house doesn’t have any carpet.

[00:02:09] So there’s literally nothing to absorb all of the sound from bouncing around the walls. I’m sitting in the middle of about five suitcases, trying to help provide some absorption of sound, to make it sound a little bit better, but you know, this is a life as a military spouse, and we are doing our best to make it work.

[00:02:32] So today we’re going to be talking about my may real life recap. And when I sat down to think about this month, I asked myself what I wanted you to walk away with after you listened to this episode. And I think this is it in a nutshell that what you do today matters. That’s true every day. That’s why we talk about it a lot on this show. But it’s especially true in PCS season and in seasons of chaos.

[00:03:05] So we’re going to talk about what this looked like in my own life this month and the things that I learned along the way. But before we jump into that, I want to acknowledge two things today. And the first is the school shooting. That took place at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, Texas. I think this shooting hit me particularly hard.

[00:03:30] Number one, because I have the elementary age kids now and in past school shootings, I haven’t had kids A=at school. So it didn’t land the same way as it did this time. And the second reason I think is because I know Uvalde. I’ve been there. I’ve driven through there many, many times I’ve stopped through there. I’ve had lunch there. It’s not just a spot on a map. It’s a place that I’m actually familiar with.

[00:03:50] I’m so deeply saddened by what happened and frustrated. And I know you are too. Ao I just want to take a moment to acknowledge that pain, that so many things, feelings of fear, especially if you have kids, the outrage, the anger, there’s so many feelings.

[00:04:23] And if our anxiety wasn’t already high after two years of living with COVID, this only adds to that. And so I want to talk about that, but I also want to acknowledge that this is one reason it’s so important that we address mental health, mental health. I don’t mean that mental health matters that we should diagnose someone with a disorder.

[00:04:51] In the sense that mental health is health. Whatever led that shooter to make the decision that he did on that day. It didn’t start there. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I just finished reading The Body Keeps the Score and the author writes, people who feel safe and meaningfully connected with others have little reason to squander their lives.

[00:05:20] Conversely hurt people hurt people, unless that pain is actually dealt with. And my feeling is that that shooter, we already know that he didn’t really have any meaningful connections in his life. And my guess is he didn’t know how to handle his pain. And so he took that pain out on other people. And so I think it’s so important for all that we understand that mental health matters.

[00:05:47] We all need to learn emotional regulation skills. We all benefit from practicing mindfulness from having healthy relationships in our lives. I really want to ask this of you to share this podcast with someone you know, who is struggling with life as a military spouse.

[00:06:14] No, they’re probably not going to take their pain out on others, but. Perhaps somebody just needs to know that life is worth living. Who needs to know that there’s a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Who needs to know that life doesn’t have to be overwhelming. It doesn’t have to be exhausting. It doesn’t have to be void of meaning.

[00:06:35] A meaningful and fulfilling life as a military spouse is possible. And this podcast is one way that we can learn some of these mindfulness skills, these emotional regulation skills, where we can talk about what it looks like to pursue meaningful relationships. When we don’t have the tools to properly address our mental health, then we tend to get in this place where we feel stuck.

[00:07:06] Where we focus on what we don’t like about our lives. And we focus on how we wish things looked differently. So maybe, you know someone whose spouse is deployed. And they’re just wondering how they’re going to make it through. Maybe a friend, or maybe even you, struggle with where you live and you feel stuck because it doesn’t feel like home. And maybe you don’t have the resources to be able to get back to home. And you’re just focused on what you don’t like.

[00:07:38] The first thing you need to know is that you are not alone. Whatever it is that you are struggling with, someone else is struggling too. But we don’t have to stay there. It is possible to get on step two, create a meaningful life, regardless of your circumstances, it’s possible to build resiliency and build meaningful relationships.

[00:08:07] So where do we start? The best place is to start learning these resiliency skills, these skills they’re going to boost your mental health that are going to help you take care of you and then step into finding meaningful relationships and figuring out how to do that. If you aren’t sure how to get started, if you’re feeling completely alone.

[00:08:28] I mean, I’ll link an episode I did several months ago about finding friendships and building relationships. Especially if you’re new to a new location, it’s always challenging to start putting those pieces together, to start reaching out, finding who your people are going to be in that location. I’m walking through that or right now, but that is so important.

[00:08:51] And then the last thing I would say is to find some way to pursue purpose. Do you have a way to contribute outside yourself? Because it’s going to give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning and that’s ultimately what’s going to lead us to a fulfilling life. Fulfillment comes from contributing to something outside of our selves.

[00:09:14] And if you’re not sure how to get started with this, jump inside the milspouse purpose playbook. This is my course, your step-by-step guide to get clear on your identity, who you are, what you want, what your purpose is, what you specifically have to offer and how you can build a life worth living, a life that both lights you up and impacts the world for good, a life that makes you excited to get out of bed.

[00:09:42] If you are ready to stop letting life happen and make the most of what you have today, if you are ready to create a life that is exciting and fulfilling. If you don’t love the way your life looks today and you’re ready for a change. That is why the milspouse purpose playbook exists. That is there for you.

[00:10:05] It’s going to help you discover a life that you love and become the person you were created to be because the world needs you to be who you were meant to be and to thrive. And you can access that course just by going to more than a milspouse.com. To answer any questions that you have about that course and help you get started on your journey to thriving and not just surviving in this military life.

[00:10:35] Okay. Let’s talk about my PCS and what it looks like to be in what I’m currently calling survival mode. I don’t love that term because it comes with this idea that we’re just surviving. And I don’t want us to just survive. I want us to thrive, but that’s going to look different than it does in our normal everyday life.

[00:11:01] When we don’t have a major life event going on, when we’re not in a season of chaos and change. When there’s no big transition, our life’s going to look different than when we are in the middle of a season of transition and change. What we need is going to look different in that season. The way that we pursue our goals is going to look different in this season of chaos and change.

[00:11:30] So if you are new to the show, let me quickly recap my 2022 in a nutshell. In January I set my goals for the year. In February I spent most of the month sick with walking pneumonia, but I still made a lot of progress on my goal. In March, we tried to schedule the pickup of our household goods, but our orders were delayed.

[00:11:53] We had a three week trip to see family back in the states. So it didn’t make a lot of progress on my goals because I was traveling and trying to focus on being present and seeing family. So we returned at the beginning of April, we had 24 hour’s notice that our packers were showing up.

[00:12:10] So the first week of April was devoted to packing up our household goods. Then I had a few weeks of trying to play catch up on everything. As we prepared for the shipment of our unaccompanied, and we were also adding in all of the things we needed to do to say goodbye and to leave and to pack up into move. And so I was definitely more feeling pulled in all directions and trying to figure out how do I balance this as we’re moving out of a season of relative calm and into a season of transition and chaos and change.

[00:12:41] So what happened in May? Well, let me just say, when I usually do my monthly recaps, I talk about what my goals were and then what happened that month and then how I pivoted and what I learned through the process.

[00:13:00] But I want to shift things up a little. Because I want to specifically focus on PCSing and this idea of seasons of chaos and change because this month wasn’t about making progress on my goals. It took an entirely different shift of focus. And I really tried to answer the question, how do I PCS well? So if you go back and listen to April’s episode, I talk about how I did this brain dump session at the end of April.

[00:13:31] I took time to go reflect on everything that was going on. All of what was going on in my head and what I needed to do to change and shift moving forward. And I really came to this idea of what matters in me, and saying, okay, for this month we are PCSing and life is going to look different.

[00:13:53] So what do my priorities need to be? What do I need to focus my time on? And I just came up with this mantra of Make May Matter and asking the question. And I making today matter? Because while my priorities are shifting and what I’m focusing my time and energy and resources on shifts, making today matter doesn’t change.

[00:14:19] In fact, it becomes even more important. And so I sketched out this plan for the month and said, okay, here are the core commitments that I usually do on a regular basis. What is most important for me to focus on maintaining in the season of change as we are PCSing? What are the most important things that I need to do for myself so that I can show up and help our family through this?

[00:14:49] So we actually were PCSing right in the middle of may, so I could kind of divide my month up into the leaving part and the arriving, the new beginning part. And so today I’m going to kind of break it up and talk through what it looked like to make today matter each day in may, as we left our last duty station. And as we are beginning a new season in our new duty station

[00:15:12]. So for the entire month, my goal was to say, okay, what do I need to do for myself? I want to try to maintain working out on a semi regular basis, trying to keep up with running, or at least moving my body for 15 minutes a day, whether that’s just taking a walk, whether it’s going out and moving around with the kids. Something that I am making sure at least 15 minutes a day, I’m moving my body and then trying to still do some mindfulness practices and be intentional about the food choices that I make.

[00:15:50] PCSing is never easy and we tend to eat out way more just because it’s so much easier. We don’t have all of our kitchen stuff. But trying to just be aware of what I’m doing, what I’m putting into my body, and I’ve done great when we have cooked at home. But, when we’ve eaten out, it’s been a little more challenging. Those were the things that I was kind of trying to keep in the back of my head.

[00:16:12] I need to do these. So that I am not getting overwhelmed. I’m not getting stressed out. Um, if you go back, I’ll link it below in the episode below, but I talked about the number one tip for your PCS move that nobody’s talking about. It really talks about taking care of ourselves in the midst of a PCS.

[00:16:30] So you don’t end up like I did in our last PCS when I got really, really sick. I’ll link that below in the show notes. You can go back and listen to that episode as well. So let’s talk about the saying goodbye portion, wrapping up our time at our last duty station, which is always an awkward time. I’ve had so many experiences because we’ve moved several times now.

[00:16:52] There’s this idea that you just start pulling away and thinking about what’s next. I didn’t want to do that this time. I wanted to stay present until the end, but there was a lot going on that I was trying to make happen. Because, you know, I took off four weeks in March, as we were traveling.

[00:17:14] And then I know that as we’re moving, I was going to have probably four-ish more weeks as we’re getting settled in and not having our stuff and our routines. And so trying to work ahead and plan for that, so that I’m just able to keep up with the things that I need to keep up with and keep making progress on the goals.

[00:17:34] So there was a lot I was trying to do to work ahead and prepare for taking several weeks off from being able to record podcast episodes. And there were a lot of things I still wanted to do, experiences that we never really had, because so much of our time was spent during COVID, when things were shut down.

[00:17:55] Things were just really starting to open up and I want it to be able to take advantage of some stuff. And I wanted to say goodbye to people while instead of just kind of disappearing into the sunset as I’ve done in other moves, I wanted to really take the time to say goodbye to people. So there was a lot going on a lot.

[00:18:12] I was trying to juggle it all and so it really came down to every single morning, waking up and sitting down and saying, okay, what are the priorities. for today? How do I want to show up? What do I need to try to get done and what matters today?. And so that was kind of the first half of the month. And then we actually moved.

[00:18:34] And since we’re flying from one location to another, we’re going overseas, there’s no road trip. There’s no time spent on the road, which I realize. In a normal PC,S from one state to another, there would be a long time spent on the road and we literally just went from one place to another without doing any traveling in between.

[00:18:59] So that’s gonna look different for many of you. But then the second half for us has been okay, we’re in this new location. How are we getting settled? How are we meeting people? What does starting over look like? I think I’ve always said that no PCS is simple, no matter what you’re doing, there’s always something that’s going to go wrong.

[00:19:23] And so thankfully has relied on, everyone was healthy on our flight here, but then the next day they all started dropping like flies. And the whole rest of the family came down with hand foot and mouth. They were all sick for a week. In a brand new place where I don’t know how to get anywhere and I don’t know how to cook anything because I don’t have any elements to heat food up.

[00:19:46] I’m trying to take care of a sick family that is super contagious and, um, they saw other kids outside. And I’m like, no, you can’t go play with them, which is not how you want to start off new location. You want to start building those relationships right away. As I later found out it wasn’t just our family that was sick.

[00:20:10] We were very blessed to be able to get in housing right away, which is an anomaly because it’s very common to spend a month, two months waiting for a house to open up. We were able to get into a house, but then we were stuck inside of our house for a week sick and finally felt like, okay, we can get outside and start meeting people.

[00:20:34] But then we didn’t still see any neighbors around. And I eventually found out that both neighbors on either side of us had also been dealing with sicknesses. So they were not out meeting us in greeting us. And so it’s just been a delayed introduction to people around us.

[00:20:54] And I kind of had this expectation that we were going to jump in and start getting involved and start trying to meet people. And that just hasn’t been the case. So the second half, the new beginning part has been a little rockier than I would have liked, but we are still taking things one day at a time.

[00:21:14] So my big wins for the month were really being able to find the time to work ahead on the podcast and plan out some episodes. Get some prepared in advance for me to take some time off and focus on getting our family settled. I really do feel like especially the first part of the month, I did a great job taking life one day at a time and figuring out, okay, what are my priorities for the day?

[00:21:40] How do I maintain the rhythms and routines that really matter? And really understanding that I’m not completely giving up my goals. Even though I’m not making progress on the big goals that I set out for the year, I’m not giving up on them. I know that I’m not making progress on them, but this is why I teach flexible goal setting. Because it’s not a matter of, I have to hit this goal and finish this by a particular date. It’s, am I still making progress? Is it still on my radar, even if I don’t feel like I’m making any progress right now? And I did a decent job at maintaining the core commitments that I prioritized: moving my body, having awareness, practicing mindfulness, that those are the things that are helping me through this season.

[00:22:30] But I also had a lot of struggles, because it is a time of transition. It is a big change. It’s not easy to say goodbye to friends. It’s not easy to move to a place where you don’t know anybody. It’s not easy to try to figure out all of these things and to do it without any of your stuff.

[00:22:53] We’re living in an empty house without any of our belongings, except for what fit into our suitcases. And it’s hard when routines get out of whack. Finding ways to maintain those healthy habits and routines is so important. And I really did a great job at this at the beginning of the month of reminding myself what matters, but as we moved and as things got even more chaotic, when I didn’t take the time to wake up before my kids and plan my priorities for the day, I wasn’t as present and focused on what mattered for that day.

[00:23:34] And while I did overall a pretty good job, I would say I still struggled. I struggled with that lack of progress and feeling like, Hey, I’m not making progress. Then I want to be making progress. And it’s so hard not to look around at what other people are doing and how they are moving towards their goals.

[00:23:54] And I’m in this place where I am just having to focus on other things. For this season. And so there is always that challenge there of continuing to remind myself of what matters in the season and what I am prioritizing. I also faced more overwhelm this month. There’s so much that we’re trying to balance and figure out.

[00:24:19] What needs to take priority in this season. And I’m feeling pulled in so many more directions, just because there’s so much that comes with the process of PCSing and still taking care of kids. You’re still trying to navigate every day life. And there’s just a lot to get done and you’re trying to balance everything that needs to happen.

[00:24:41] Everything that needs to get done with just taking time to focus on the present, to be present with the people in your life. And it’s a balancing act and I didn’t always do it perfectly. And it’s just really hard when you are in that season of moving. But I think one of the biggest struggles. And one of the key learning points that came out of this month for me was in my monthly assessments and realizing that I’m trying to compare myself to how I was a month ago or three months ago or four months ago. I’m comparing myself to a normal month.

[00:25:18] And I feel like I’m not making progress and not showing up as the person that I want to be, that I’m really struggling through this season. But when I compare myself to how I was two years ago, during our last PCS, I’ve grown so much. I’ve learned how to manage PCSing so much better. I’ve learned how to deal with these thoughts and feelings and emotions. I’m learning this process of how to balance things better.

[00:25:47] And so when I’m comparing myself to a normal month, I fall short. You know, I’m not showing up as the person that I want to be in all these areas. If I rate myself in each area of my life, no, I’m not doing a great job of taking care of myself, but what I rate myself in comparison to how I was taking care of myself during our last PCS, I’ve come a long way. And that’s something to celebrate.

[00:26:06] I think I am hopefully not the only person that has dealt with this. Who is comparing themselves to, Hey, here’s how I should be responding. Here’s how I should be acting. Here’s what’s actually happening. But when I compare myself to a like situation going through a very difficult time, a time of transition, I’ve come a long way.

[00:26:31] And that is worth celebrating. I want to wrap this up by talking about what I’ve learned to this month and what I want to take from this going forward. And the number one thing is something that I learned last month, and I seem to need to keep learning this lesson until I actually make it a part of my rhythm, but really just having that time for reflection and brain dumping.

[00:26:53] When I get busy, when there’s so much on my plate, this becomes even more vital, because there’s so many thoughts. There are so many things I’m trying to keep straight in my brain and it just feels overwhelming. And I don’t know which way is up after a while. But when I just take the time to journal, to reflect, to do a brain dump of everything that needs to happen that month.

[00:27:15] Then I just have so much stress relief. Life becomes more peaceful, less chaotic. When I can just take a few minutes and do a brain dump of everything that is taking up space in my head. This is so, so vital for my mental health and for my ability to be productive and get things done. The second thing I would say is.

[00:27:38] And I’m really proud of this fact, because I think it’s a hard place that not everybody gets to, but it’s really getting to this place where, Hey, I know that I have done what I can with what I have, and that is okay. That is enough. I feel content with the effort that I’ve put in. I can’t control the results.

[00:27:59] I can’t control the outcome. But did I make the most of what I did have, did I do a good job with that? Did I not just give up? And the answer is yes. And so I’m going to focus on that and be content in that. I had a friend that was asking me about my goals for the month and I was just like, oh, I’m not hitting these goals.

[00:28:24] I’m not getting these things done. But I said, you know, at the end of the day, I really do feel content. That I’ve put in effort, I’ve done what I can, and that’s all that really matters for this month. You know, it’s not a place that’s easy to stay, but I did get there. And I’m really proud of that.

I guess the big learning point and the thing that I want me and you and all of us to take away from this episode is this idea of when we are in a time of transition, when we are in a season of chaos and change. We feel like we’re in a survival mode season. It’s not the same as a normal season and we need to treat it differently. Even if my type A self wants it to be just another month, reaching my goals, making progress towards what matters, it’s different. And we need to stop and acknowledge that and not try to make it the same.

[00:29:19] Flexibility is key. And that’s why I have my flexible goal-setting method. Even if I didn’t make progress on the goals that I originally set for myself earlier this year, I can still work on those next month. And it’s not about I missed getting this accomplished by this timeline. Am I still moving in the right direction? That’s what matters.

[00:29:41] And the last piece of this is establishing those routines and those healthy habits, those core commitments. In my everyday life, wherever I am today, wherever you are today, the more that we focus on establishing these healthy habits and rhythm, the more it’s going to serve us in seasons of chaos and change, because that will be our default.

[00:30:08] When our brain only has so much capacity to take in new information and it feels overwhelmed, we default back to whatever is easiest, whatever patterns are hard wired into our brain. That’s what we default to. So if we take the time right now to establish those healthy habits, those patterns that are going to help us live filled, fueled, and full of joy.

[00:30:37] If we work on that today, those are going to be the things we default to in times of chaos and change, in seasons of transition. So the more that you do today, the more that’s going to help you in your next season, where you feel like you’re in survival mode. Okay, let me wrap this up very quickly.

[00:30:58] I know the audio wasn’t great. I’m trying to find a time where there is still quiet in this house to record for you, but I really wanted to just be able to pop on and actually have a conversation with you about my monthly recap and really about what this process of PCSing looks like. It’s not going to be the most polished episode, but I think it’s really important to give you just an accurate picture of somebody who’s walking through it.

[00:31:23] Who’s in the trenches right now. PCSing isn’t easy. And anytime we find ourselves in a season of chaos and change, it is so easy to lose our rhythms and routines. It’s so easy to not take care of our self in the process, to not be present. And it’s easy to get frustrated with our lack of progress. It’s easy to spin into a place of overwhelm, stress and exhaustion, but the more work we do today on ourselves, the better off we will be when the storms come, when our life gets uprooted gesture.

[00:32:01] Every day matters. It’s not about making progress on our projects and goals. It’s about how we are showing up. Am I taking care of myself so that I can take care of and show up for those around me? Am I being intentional with my time and energy and attention? Am I prioritizing the things that matters most?

[00:32:29] The second thing I would tell you to take away from this is plan for the season that you’re in, not for the season that you want to be in. I know PCSing is a big change. So plan for the season that you’re in, not the season you want to be in. And finally give yourself grace. It’s hard. It’s a lot. It can be overwhelming.

[00:32:50] And that’s normal. You’re not going to show up perfectly a hundred percent of the time. You’re going to get short with your kids. You’re going to get short with your spouse. You’re going to struggle through this season and that’s okay. Just give yourself grace and keep going.

[00:33:12] I hope that you found this information, this bonus episode encouraging. I hope you found it realistic and helpful. Please share it with somebody who you know, is about to walk through a PCS or a major life change, who just needs to hear this message, that it is a crazy season of life and it’s okay. I will be back next week with another episode to help you thrive as a military spouse, find purpose, get unstuck and learn to live filled, fueled and full of joy.