Hey friends. Welcome back to the milspouse mastermind show. Today we’re talking about a very important topic that I think most military spouses, and especially moms, can relate to. It’s this problem of knowing that we want self-care, but not knowing how to prioritize it because we try to get in this routine and then life happens and starts to feel out of control.

[00:00:28] And then all of a sudden we’re juggling all the obligations and chores, and we have so much going on and everybody else’s needs are filling up the calendar. And all of a sudden we wind up in this place of exhaustion and overwhelm and piles of laundry everywhere, and dinner still needs to get put on the table.

[00:00:48] And we’re a lacking time. And what happened to self-care? So today we’re going to talk about how to prioritize self-care as an ongoing practice. If this sounds like something that is much needed in your life, then let’s go ahead and dive into this episode.

[00:02:00] Now, most of us understand that we can’t really pour for an empty cup. When we are feeling completely depleted, we have nothing left to give, and we’re not showing up as the spouse, as the parent, as the person, as the friend we want to be. And it’s super frustrating when, how we want to show up and how we’re actually showing up aren’t in alignment.

[00:02:29] But when we’re in that season of feeling overwhelmed, it’s hard to see what that next step is and how to break out of the cycle that we’re in. But what I want to do today is help us ditch the stress and find that greater fulfillment and life satisfaction by pouring into ourselves, into showing you what self-care actually should look like.

[00:02:57] Now self-care has so many connotations. When I asked the question in the group a while back, I said, what do you think of, when you think of self-care? And, you know, I got some really fantastic responses. It’s, it’s really this idea that the things that we do on a regular basis. And we have this idea of those things that, you know, used to be a lot easier to do before we had kids…you know, getting your nails done or your hair done, or just feeling that sense of pampering, right?

[00:03:31] The things that were quote unquote normal before kids, learning to let go of all the things that you should do or feel like people expect you to do. Especially as women and as moms, there’s so much mom guilt that, if you’re not totally dressing your kids in cute little outfits, and you’re not making them food from scratch, and having all of the snacks made, and being at every event and volunteering as the classroom parent, and all of these things, that we feel guilty about, that we feel like somehow we’re supposed to be good and make it all happen.

[00:04:14] So, what does it look like to actually show up for ourselves so that we can show up for those around us? Well, I want us to understand this fundamental principle and that is that self care is not a band-aid. It’s not just something we’re going to do one time and it’s going to fix the problem.

[00:04:39] It’s really about a way of looking at our lives and how we show up. It’s not something that we resort to when we’re in crisis mode. Now we do need to care for ourselves when we are in crisis mode, but that cannot be what we do to get out of crisis mode, because it’s not a band aid that we slap on the problem.

[00:05:03] And it’s not something we do to just make us feel good in the moment. Because what we’re after is long-term sustainability. We are after care that allows us to show up as the people that we want to be. We want the tools and resources that allow us to live in this place of feeling filled, fueled, and full of joy.

[00:05:33] So what does effective self-care look like if it’s not just about what makes us feel good in the moment? Well, when we think about self care, what we really need to think about is the question. Will this thing help me create a rich, full and meaningful life? Is this helpful? Is this helping me create the life I want?

[00:06:00] Is this bringing me joy? Is this filling my cup and leaving me full of joy? Or is it leaving me feeling more drained? Does it help me show up as the parent, as a spouse, as the friend I want to be? So when we talk about the growth wheel here at milspouse mastermind, this comes down to our three fundamental needs.

[00:06:31] What I call our buckets of balance. And we’ve talked about this on this show before. We have the need to care for ourself, to be in connection and community with others, and to pursue our purpose. Care, connect, contribute. If one of these three pieces is missing, then we will not show up as the people that we want to be, that we will not feel fulfilled, and we will not live a meaningful life that is lighting us up and impacting the world for good, in a sustainable way.

[00:07:08] So if what we’re after is this fulfilling and balanced life, then self-care is a huge piece of the puzzle, but how do we prioritize self-care? It comes down to sustainable practices that lead us to the life we want. So let’s talk about five specific categories that help care for ourselves so that we can show up as the people that we want to be. So that we can build the life we want to create for ourselves and for those around us.

[00:07:46] And this is the thing that I always want to tell people when we talk about the subject of self-care. The specifics of self-care are going to be unique to each of us. What fills you is not necessarily going to be the same thing that fills me and vice versa.

So we have to spend some time getting clear on what it is that’s filling us. But when we break things down into these five categories, it gives us some ideas of how we can get started. And it’s not about significantly changing our life. It’s about these tiny tweaks to our daily, weekly, monthly schedule that help us to begin to live as the people that we went to.

[00:08:38] So the first fundamental category where we all begin is in this place of rest. Are we taking time to do the things that fuel us and fill us with life? Are we taking time to rest and to play? If we are not starting with this piece, then none of the other things we do are really going to matter because we, our bodies are designed to operate in this regular rhythm of.

[00:09:06] And work and play. So we need to start from this place of, are we intentionally taking time out to rest, not accomplishing things, resting, working from this place of rest, feeling ourselves with. And if the answer is yes, we’re taking time to rest.

Then we move on to our physical health. What are we doing to help us get into these rhythms of showing up? And that can be something as simple as just moving our bodies, getting outside, taking a walk, sticking your feet in the sand, fueling it with good nutrition. You know, maybe for you, you love dancing or biking or, you know, riding on your Peloton or whatever it is that is moving your body to making sure that you are doing yoga, that you’re stretching, that you’re getting enough sleep.

[00:10:05] Anything that improves your physical health, making sure you’re drinking enough water. These are all ways that we can practice sustainable self-care. And it’s not a matter of us having that three-hour break to go to the salon or to get the massage. It’s about how we show up in our every day rhythms of life.

And then focusing on our spiritual health, what is feeding our spirit? Our soul. Are we spending time in prayer and meditation and dwelling on the good? Are we connecting with our creator? Are we enjoying the beauty of the moment? How are we investing in our spiritual growth? For me, part of investing in my spiritual growth I have found means I have to do it in community with other people.

[00:11:01] I have tried to do it on my own, and it is not as healthy as when I am having these conversations about my spiritual life, about my whole life, with other people who are also on their own spiritual journeys. For a season, we were watching church on TV and I was reading my Bible on my own, and I was praying and journaling and do all these things on my own, but there was still a component that was missing and my faith and my spiritual walk was not as strong as when I did it in community with other people.

[00:11:40] So what does it look like to have spiritual health in your life? What elements need to be a part of your life on a regular basis? I would suggest that you find a community of other like-minded people who are pursuing truth, who are living their faith out in practice and have those conversations, connect with them.

[00:12:05] Pursue spiritual growth together and make it a part of your regular weekly rhythm. Are you spending time in prayer and in the word and in growing in your faith on a weekly basis?

Then we look at our emotional and mental health and the best place to start here is with your morning gratitude practice, just waking up and saying, what can I be thankful for today?

[00:12:35] This right here will do amazing things for your life as a whole. How else can you improve your mental and emotional health, given the parameters of the life that you currently lead today? Gratitude is something that takes five minutes. You might also feel more filled, fueled, and full of joy simply by getting outside and spending a few minutes in nature, or by trying a new skill, practicing meditation, taking some deep breaths, reading a book, listening to a pilot.

[00:13:13] Lighting a candle, the aroma of having your essential oil blend or something that you can smell, these tangible experiences that will help boost your mental and emotional health. Again, these are all practices that aren’t specifically time consuming, but we can make them a part of our regular daily and weekly routines, so that we are sustainably caring for ourselves and becoming the people that we went to be.

[00:13:44] The last piece of this puzzle is our home and really reframing the way that we view our home environment. When I think about the fact that I have to cook dinner, when I have to do our family’s laundry, when I have to keep the house tidy, all these things can feel like chores or burdens or things that don’t really light me up.

[00:14:07] They just need to get done. But when I reframe this as how is this a part of my self-care, it’s two things. It’s number one, taking those things and saying, okay, how can I use this to care for myself. And, and we’ve talked about before, finding joy in the mundane, turning on some fun music or listening to a podcast or an audio book or doing something that is speaking life to my soul in the midst of the every day mundane tasks and connecting it with the why.

Why am I doing these things? It’s not just because they have to get done, but because when I have a house that is clean and organized, it fuels my soul. I enjoy being in, operating in a clean house, in a tidy house in, in mentoring my kids and showing them how to do these things.

[00:15:07] It’s really connecting it with the why and moving towards this regular understanding of how I’m caring for myself on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. So, yes, those girls nights out in those days at the spa and those 24-hours away by yourself can do a lot, but those are not sustainable practices. And so while I don’t want to discount those things at all, I want you to understand that there’s a difference between things that will fill us up one time and things that we can incorporate into our regular rhythms that help sustain us for the long run that help us become the people we want to be so that we’re showing for ourselves, for our family, for our friends and for the people that we’re going to impact through doing the work that we’ve been called to do.

Each of us was made with and for a purpose. And our purpose in life is to pursue that, to show up as the people that we want to be, to care for ourselves, to care for the people we are in relationship with, and to make a difference in the world around us.

[00:16:21] So the big question that we need to ask is how do we practice sustainable self care? How do we fit it into our schedule? And really it comes down to two things. What we’ve already talked about is number one, finding joy in the everyday moments, the little things that we can do that light us up that make these everyday mundane task a little more fun.

[00:16:49] How can we find joy and be present in the moment that we’re in to appreciate what we have, where we are right now. And then the second thing is to establish our core commitments. These are the things that we do on a weekly or monthly basis that sustainably fill our cup so that we can pour out and show up for ourselves and for those we care about.

So what does that look like for you? I would encourage you just to take a blank piece of paper and look at your week as a whole and ask yourself what are the things that I could do, just little routines or rhythms or actions that I could take that would improve my mental and emotional health, that would fuel my physical health, that would improve my spiritual health, that would give me time to rest, and that would improve my home environment.

For me that looks like starting with my morning routine, waking up before my kids, starting my day with gratitude, with prayer, with moving my body, with meditation. These are things that I do to get myself to this healthy place before I engage with the rest of my family.

[00:18:13] It looks like moving my body on a regular basis. You know, sometimes that’s going for a run. Sometimes that’s doing a weight bearing exercise, and sometimes that’s just getting outside and getting some fresh air and going for a walk, whatever I can do to move my body. The days that I do that, I show up so much better than the days that I don’t.

[00:18:35] Number three is scheduling specific time for rest during my week. It’s so easy to fill our weeks with everything that needs to get done and to put all of these other pieces and other people’s priorities come first. And the biggest game changer for me was carving out time for rest. We will have time as a family to rest each week.

[00:19:00] We tell our kids, you know, the younger ones. The youngest one is still supposed to be taking nap time. Now that she’s three. She’s trying to cut that a little bit, but it’s this idea of during this time you go find a quiet activity to do by yourself because we’re all going to power down and have this time for rest.

[00:19:23] And that’s something that I hope they take with them for the rest of their life, because it’s going to help sustain their life. It’s going to help make the rest of life possible because that’s how we were created. We were designed to get enough sleep and to allow ourselves that time to power down.

[00:19:46] And the fourth thing that I can do. And this is probably the thing that I struggle with the most in my current season, but I’m working towards, is scheduling time to keep our house tidy, because it affects so many other elements of how we all show up as a family unit, how we feel inside of our home and how we feel inviting people in and really speaking life to people from our home. And really making this a sustainable practice so that we can feel full of joy and that we can speak that life into other people because we have taken care of our home. It’s not about having, you know, this magazine ready home or having the perfect home.

[00:20:32] I’m not great with deep cleaning, but just that general act of keeping things tidy enough to where I always feel comfortable with somebody walking in my door at any moment. To know that I can drop what I’m doing and not feel overwhelmed by what they’re seeing. More than anything, it’s not about what someone else will think of my home, it’s about how it makes me feel and how it helps me show up for every other area of my life.

And then the last thing that I would say about sustainable self-care. Is giving yourself grace and especially going back to what we said at the very beginning of this episode, when we talked about how we have so much pressure, especially as moms, this idea of mom guilt that has become so prevalent in our society, in our life and in our culture.

[00:21:30] And we feel this burden to do it all, to be at all, to do all the things and to give our kids all of these experiences. We have to be able to let go and to understand we can’t do it all. And that’s okay. What matters is if we are showing and practicing these sustainable self-care practices. And sometimes that means making the food from scratch because we know it’s going to fuel us.

[00:21:58] And sometimes that means going and grabbing takeout because we know our brain needs a break. Our kids need a break, and we just need to spend quality time together. And really just getting clear on what matters most to us and to our families. Why is this thing important? And what is this thing going to do for us in the long run?

[00:22:25] And what’s going to be fueling, and going to speak so much life into person A over here is not going to be the thing that is going to fill person B. It’s going to leave them more drained. And so understanding the difference between what somebody else is doing, is not what you are called to do. You are called to figure out what it is that speaks life to you.

[00:22:48] That is helping you show up as the person that you want to be, in making that a part of your daily, weekly, monthly rhythms. So if you are wondering how do I do this? I want you to go all the way back to our January episode when I talked about scheduling out your year. And the 10-step process I go through to set yourself up for success, for growth, for sustainable self care.

[00:23:18] And part of that is figuring out what your core commitments are. What are the activities that are making a difference in your life, that you can put into your weekly schedule and say, yes, I am at this part. On Sunday afternoons, we are all going to have rest time. And on Tuesday mornings and Thursday mornings, you will find me out reading. And on a Thursday nights, I will be in community group with my church small group.

These are things that are going to be on our calendar and are going to be priorities because they allow us to do all the other things in a sustainable way. If we are not practicing sustainable self-care, we will not be able to continue to show up for those we care most about and to fulfill the purposes of our lives.

[00:24:09] So I hope this gave you some ideas, got some wheels turning. If you have more questions about what it looks like to practice sustainable self-care in your life, why it’s important and what you can do to get started. If you feel like you’re getting stuck somewhere, just pop into our Facebook group, let us know where you’re struggling, and we can talk through how to get you started and moving into this cycle of living filled, fueled, and full of joy on a daily basis. I hope you have an amazing week. And that is exactly what you do. I’ll see you next week.