The Quest for Happiness

[00:00:00] Christine: Hey, amazing Millspouse. Welcome back to the Milspouse Mastermind Show. I’m your host and fellow milspouse, Christine. Have you ever felt like you were trying so hard to be happy and yet it’s just not working? You don’t love your life. Something needs to change. Over the last few episodes, we’ve been exploring good things that can actually become problematic.

[00:00:27] And today we’re wrapping up this mini series by looking at how the pursuit of happiness can actually make you feel worse about yourself. and what you can do instead to create a life you want and ultimately find more happiness in your everyday life. If you are ready to trade that frustration for fulfillment as a military spouse, then go reheat your coffee and let’s dive into the show.

[00:01:56] Did you know that a large percentage of military spouses would love to financially contribute to their families in some way? But there’s a lot of things that hold us back. And while I want to celebrate the fact that there are more work from home jobs available than ever before. There are more entrepreneurship resources available than ever before. There’s still one thing that holds so many military spouses back, and that is a lack of clarity.

[00:02:22] If I had a dollar for every time I heard an adult say, I don’t really know what I want to do when I grow up, I would be rich. So while there are more opportunities and more resources than ever before, the first step to helping us live a purpose fueled life is really getting clear on who we are, what we want, and how to make the most of the limited time and resources.

[00:02:51] We have. And that’s exactly why I created the Milspouse Purpose Playbook. It is a self-guided discovery process that helps you clarify what you really want in life, what your unique gifts and abilities are, and how to begin to infuse Every area of your life with purpose, so that you can ultimately trade that frustration for fulfillment and truly love the life you have as a military spouse.

[00:03:23] If you are ready to get clarity, unlock your potential, and build a purpose fueled life and business, This is the first step. Find out more by going to morethana milspouse. com. Let’s discover who you are meant to be. Okay, so over the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about helpful practices that can actually become problematic.

[00:03:48] And I never really set out to turn this into a series, but then I realized how well these concepts work. fit together. So in episode 172 we explored the power of positive thinking and the danger of rushing aside our painful emotions in the pursuit of positivity. This is what becomes toxic positivity and genuine healing and growth requires us to first confront and process our feelings authentically.

[00:04:23] And the way we do this is by first becoming aware of what we are actually thinking and feeling. So, in episode 173, we talked about how mindfulness can help us connect with our emotions and become more aware of them. But awareness alone can actually leave us feeling worse. Because if we don’t deal with the thoughts and emotions that we become aware of, we feel stuck and disempowered.

[00:04:57] And so having a mind management practice actually helps us accept our feelings and reframe our thoughts in a way that improves our mental health and well being. Awareness alone, won’t get us to where we want to go. A daily mind management practice can be a game changer. So if you missed those last two episodes, I highly encourage you to go back and listen to those.

Trying to Be Happy

[00:05:51] . Today we are looking at a third concept that can become problematic. We’re talking about happiness. And how making happiness our goal can actually make us more miserable. Listen, we all want to be happy.

Happy is a positive emotion. It is a positive feeling. I talk to my kids about having a happy heart. Happy is a nice concept, right? We want to be happy, but we’re not always sure how to get there. And there’s lots of information about what… we think is going to make us happy. I did a quick search on Amazon and there were over 90, 000 results for books on happiness.

[00:06:20] So there’s a lot of information out there about happiness and we talk about wanting to be happy. But how do we get there? I want to start with this quote today because I think it paints such a good word picture when we talk about happiness. Like a butterfly pinned to a table, happiness dies unless it is held lightly – Stephen Hayes.

[00:06:50] So, what is happiness? Happiness is a feeling of pleasure that is often related to our immediate environment or our circumstances. So, we like pleasant feelings. We like the feeling of happiness. But that’s often related to our circumstances, which can change. As much as we would like to have only good things, to have only positive experiences, to have all of our circumstances be good, that really doesn’t align with the world that we live in.

[00:07:31] A part of the human experience is that good things happen, bad things happen, things we like happen, things that we don’t like happen. And… That is true for all of us as human beings. When we make happiness our ultimate goal, we will fall short. Because bad things, quote unquote, Bad things, things that we don’t like, things that we don’t have a positive reaction to, will happen.

3 Reasons The Quest for Happiness Can Actually Make You Miserable

[00:08:00] If you have been a military spouse for any length of time, then you’re probably aware of Murphy’s Law of Deployment that says if your spouse is gone for an extended period of time, something will go wrong. Whether that be the door breaking on your house, whether that be keys getting stuck in the ignition of your car, whether that be a flood in your bathroom, whether that be your air conditioner going out, whatever it is, it always seems to happen when your spouse is gone.

[00:08:34] But this is just a part of the human experience and the more that we make happiness our ultimate goal the more frustrated and miserable we will become. So why does this pursuit of happiness actually make us more miserable?

1. It’s an Unattainable Goal

 Number one, it’s not an achievable goal. As we’ve talked about, there’s going to be good things that happen, there’s going to be bad things that happen.

[00:08:59] And the more that we just try to get rid of our negative feelings or be more positive, like we talked about in episode 172, The more we’re going to struggle because we’re burying those feelings and emotions rather than actually addressing them. And then we feel more frustrated that we’re not able to control our feelings.

[00:09:23] And we begin to believe that we’re either alone in our struggles, or that we’re a failure, or that we’re defective in some way. And so that negative, self defeating cycle of our thoughts continues. So number one, it’s not an achievable goal and the more that we try to pursue it as a goal, the more we will struggle.

2. We’re Chasing Someone Else’s Version of Happiness

[00:09:48] Number two is that often we’re pursuing someone else’s dream. of happiness. We think that if we do x, y, and z, we will be happy because someone else has told us that. And what we’re doing is not actually pursuing things that we enjoy or that light us up or that we deep down really desire. We’re pursuing what someone has told us will Lead us to a happy life to the outcome we want But it’s one that’s not aligned with who we are and who God created us to be all of us have something unique and valuable to offer the world and We are all created with unique passions and desires and a unique purpose.

[00:10:40] And anytime we’re trying to live our lives around what’s best for someone else, we will fall short. We will not feel fulfilled.

3. It’s Not What We Ultimately Want Or Need

Which brings us to the third reason pursuing happiness can actually make us miserable. It’s not what we ultimately want. It’s not what we ultimately desire or even need as humans because happiness in itself is not fulfilling.

[00:11:11] What we need as humans It is a meaning and a sense of purpose to our life and when our life has meaning, that is what leads us to the outcomes that we’re ultimately, that we’ve been seeking. That is what will make us more fulfilled, more at peace. and will ultimately make us feel more happy. As Viktor Frankl says, one must have a reason to be happy. Happiness is a side effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself. 

The Power of Meaning and Purpose

[00:11:39] Let me say that again. Happiness is the side effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself. It’s meaning that gives us the ability to both be happy and to be able to cope with suffering. So if we accept the fact that there are going to be circumstances and events in our lives that give us a feeling of happiness.

[00:12:14] And there are going to be events and circumstances in our life that make us happy. Feel a sense of frustration or anger or sadness and grief all of these human Emotions and if we accept that that happens Meaning gives us the ability and so what we’re really after is not Happiness that’s a byproduct.

[00:12:38] That’s an outcome That doesn’t come from making happiness the goal. The outcome that we can pursue is a life of meaning and purpose. So the question that we must ask ourselves is not how can I be happy, but how can I live a rich, full, and meaningful life? One where I feel the full range of human emotions.

[00:13:09] And one that I create a life worth living despite the challenges of life. This gets to the core of why this podcast exists. Because I want you to know, as a military spouse, that you have something valuable to offer. And you don’t have to wait for some future season to chase your dreams. Because building a life that you love as a military spouse is possible today.

[00:13:41] It doesn’t come from the pursuit of happiness or getting everything that you think you want. It comes from pursuing a rich, full, and meaningful life. It comes from… Being able to trade that frustration that you feel for fulfillment and understanding that a fulfilling life, a meaningful life is possible right where you are today.

Practical Steps for Creating A Meaningful Life

[00:14:04] There are tools, there are resources, there are things that you can do to begin to shape your life in a way that is meaningful and fulfilling. It is 100 percent my goal to help you craft a life with purpose, to help you live with more meaning and less overwhelm. Because I want you to be able to enjoy the life that you have, to be able to live a rich life.

[00:14:32] full and meaningful life as a military spouse without putting your life on hold, without feeling like you cannot show up as the person that you want to be, that you can’t chase your dreams. It is possible to live a fulfilling life right where you are right now. So how do we do that?

Understand Your Fundamental Needs

[00:14:55] Number one, understand your three fundamental needs. You must care for yourself. You must connect and build healthy relationships. And you must have some way to make a contribution. If this is the first time you are hearing about fundamental needs, I want to encourage you to go all the way back to episode 36 where we talked about why no one is getting the best version of you and what to do about it. where we break down this in greater detail. But the first step is really unpacking what your fundamental needs are and how to infuse that in your life.

Shift the Focus from Self to Others

The second thing you can do is to understand that fulfillment will never come. with a focus on self. So yes, we need those three fundamental needs. We need to have a purpose.

[00:15:43] We need to be able to take care of ourselves and we need healthy relationships. But purpose is not just doing something for the sake of doing it. Purpose is not something that just gives us the life we want. It must benefit others in some way for it to be truly fulfilling. For us to feel fulfilled in our life, we must be making an impact on the lives of others in some way.

[00:16:13] Life will feel empty. Until and unless we find a way to contribute to the needs of others. And that’s why I call the fundamental needs the three C’s. And I talk about making a contribution. Because I want you to understand that having the career you want. That getting the dream job. That doing something that benefits yourself will never lead to that ultimate outcome that you want.

[00:16:45] Back. feeling of fulfillment. It must include some sense of giving to others, to making a difference in the life of others. Fulfillment comes from contributing to something outside ourself.

Get Clarity on Your Unique Path

And then the third piece of this puzzle is really getting clarity. Do the work to figure out who you are, what you want, the vision that you want for your life, and how to make a contribution both in the season that you’re in and what kind of contribution you want to make.

[00:17:20] In the long term, that’s why tools like Milspouse Purpose Playbook are so helpful because they help you unpack what you uniquely have to offer, what your sweet spot is, and what that looks like to be able to make a contribution in the season that you’re currently in and in setting goals for the future so that you can ultimately create a fulfilling life and as a byproduct find happiness.

[00:17:52] So if you have been in this place where you feel like you’re trying to pursue happiness as your end goal and it’s not working, maybe it’s time to take a step back and understand that the pursuit of happiness can actually be making you more miserable. What we really want is a life. of meaning and purpose, and happiness can come as a byproduct of that.

Finding Fulfillment as a Military Spouse

[00:18:19] So, your takeaway for today is to ask yourself, what am I doing to create a rich, full, and meaningful life? for myself. What can I do to live and infuse my life with more meaning and purpose? If you’re not sure where to get started, I have a free clarity workshop for you that will take you through exercises to help you start unpacking these ideas.

[00:18:49] Or if you’re ready to go all in, Milspouse Purpose Playbook is your self guided discovery process. You will unpack the core of who you are, what your purpose is, and how to begin infusing your life with purpose in a super practical way that helps you trade that frustration for fulfillment and that isolation for a life of impact.

[00:19:17] Alright friends, if this resonated with you, please share it with someone else in your life who needs to hear that happiness does not need to be our goal, but finding more happiness in our everyday life. is absolutely possible. Until next time, may you live filled, fueled, and full of joy.