[00:00:00] Christine: Welcome back to the Milspouse Mastermind Show. I’m so pumped today to share my conversation with life coach Jessie Ellertson with you today. Jessie is the host of the Simply Resilient Podcast. She is a mom of six, a national guard spouse, and a life coach for military wives, specifically as it relates to dealing with deployments or periods of separation from your spouse.

[00:00:43] So in this conversation, we talk about her journey to finding purpose and some of the biggest lessons that she has learned along the way. We talk about mindset and learning to reframe the way that we look at challenging situations. And just what’s possible when we do that. She’s going to give us some really practical tips to improve our connection with our spouse during times that we were apart. There is so much in this episode, and I think you’re going to love it. I can’t wait for you to listen in. So let’s get started.

[00:02:13] Hey guys. Welcome back to the milspouse mastermind show. I am excited to be here with you today. And I have a special guest. Jessie Ellertson is a life coach for military wives and the host of the simply resilient podcast. Welcome Jessie.

[00:02:31] Jessie: Thank you. I’m so happy to be here.

[00:02:34] Christine: I love to connect with other military spouses who are focused on helping us all thrive. And so I’m so glad that you’re here today. Can you just tell us a little bit about your story, your background, and how you ended up doing what you are today?

[00:02:53] Jessie: Definitely. I’m a military spouse as well. We have been in the army national guard for 14 years. My husband was not in the military when we got married. I was actually pregnant with our second. He came home from work one day and said, honey, I’m joining the military. And I was like, no, you’re not.

He was all settled on it. It just took me a little while to come around. But once I was able to come around and, everything got into place and here we are, 14 years later. It has been just such an amazing fit for our family.

[00:03:33] It’s taken us on adventures and to places and experiences that we would not have experienced otherwise, I know you’ve experienced that Christine. My husband’s a helicopter pilot and we live in Utah, we’re in the Utah national guard. So we actually don’t move that much. We did spend a couple of years in Alabama when my husband was in flight school.

[00:03:59] And I am a life coach for military wives. I started my practice in 2018, during my husband’s second deployment. I had been at just one of, almost like, the lowest places in my life, particularly as a military spouse before this deployment. And had been introduced to, kind of self-help and thought work, particularly through podcasts. And I couldn’t believe how just taking a little bit of time to make myself a priority and listen to podcasts and have something that was stretching my mind and helped me think a little more, the way I wanted to think, really changed everything about my life.

Like everything was the same, but I felt so much different. And that just opened me up to like, if I could give this to other military wives. Because my circumstances won’t and can’t change. He’ll still leave. I’ll still have kids.

I didn’t mention that part. I have six kids. And at the time, when he left for this deployment, they were ages 12 to zero. So I had a baby when he left, before he left. But, none of those circumstances could change and, but I didn’t want to feel the way I felt anymore.

[00:05:13] I wanted to feel hopeful. I wanted to feel optimistic and I wanted to feel more in control of my life. I wanted to have more energy. I wanted all these things, and I didn’t know how to create them.

As I would listen to podcasts and read books and just open myself up to focusing on the part that was in my control, everything in my life got better. While my circumstances stayed exactly the same. And that is what inspired me to become a life coach and go to the life coach school, to become a certified life coach and start my podcast, which is called the simply resilient podcast. I started that in 2019, and I’ve just been rocking and rolling ever since, and having so much fun with it.

[00:05:54] Christine: That’s so awesome. I mean, that’s a huge reason that I started podcasting too. Just because podcasting was a huge part of what helped me get unstuck and really start to move forward in my life again, and just start to dream again, and figure out what I really wanted. So I love you sharing that about your story. How old are your kids now?

[00:06:19] Jessie: So I have a 15-year-old. We’re like fully in teenager world now. I have five girls and a boy. So my boy’s right in the middle. I have a 15-year-old girl and a 14-year-old girl. I had my kids in pairs. So like the first two, and then my middle two are, 11 and nin,e and that’s a girl and a boy. And then I have two littles who are five and three.

[00:06:44] Christine: You got the full span of ages.

[00:06:48] Jessie: Toddlers and teenagers and everything in between.

[00:06:52] Christine: I’m sure it’s a ton of fun at your house.

[00:06:55] Jessie: I lovingly and affectionately call it my circus.

[00:06:59] Christine: Nice. So let’s step back into your story a little bit. And tell me what you were feeling when your husband came home and said, Hey, I think I want to join the national guard.

[00:07:13] Jessie: I like to blame it on the fact that I was pregnant, that I was just like, no. We won’t be doing anything that would ever keep us apart. Like that just didn’t, that didn’t compute in my head. And it took me a little time to come around to the fact that, you know, while people would say, well, the military can be really hard on families and hard on marriages.

[00:07:33] I was able to just kind of shift that, thinking to there’s a lot of things that can be hard on your marriage. But most of those things can also be strengthening for your marriage and for your family. If you choose it, if you’re making that your intention throughout.

So my husband and I made that deal before he joined. I was like, you can be a part from me, as long as our intention is always that any hard thing we go through, which I know they’ll come from this military life, our focus is always, how will this strengthen us? How will this strengthen us? That’s been key.

[00:08:05] Christine: That’s awesome. And so interesting to hear from somebody that went into it together. You know, in my story, my husband was already married to the military before we got married. So I just love hearing from other people who were able to walk into that with that sense of intentionality.

[00:08:27] Can you talk a little bit about your journey as a military spouse. And as you got started, did you get used to it? At what point was it that you felt like, Hey, my life really isn’t working for me.

[00:08:45] Jessie: Right. Well, I sort of characterize my military life by our separations, right. Because when they’re home, everything’s just calmer and a little bit easier. Even though there’s hard stuff there too, but really just starting right out with basic training, just throws you into the deep end. Right?

I had two little babies. I was pregnant when he decided to join. So when he left for basic training, my first two are just 13 months apart. So I had a 15-month-old and a two month old. I just immediately went and lived with my parents because I was like, you know, we’re not doing this alone. That that’s too much. So that was definitely like being thrown in the deep end. But I feel like we weathered it so well and just really embraced it and just were like, okay, we’re a military family now.

[00:09:30] And it was kind of a perfect way to start it all out. And then over, you know, the next few years we were just getting more adjusted and then that first deployment came. He’s been on two full year deployments and, for a lot of different reasons that deployment was killerI mean, it’s really hard to go through your first one.

[00:09:52] I mean, it’s really hard to go through your first one. You learn a lot, you don’t know what to expect, but I had some particularly unique and challenging circumstances. He had been gone two weeks of the full year. And I slipped in the snow and broke my leg in four places and had to get like multiple surgeries and months of physical therapy. And I had four little kids at that point. It was a total nightmare.

[00:10:12] And it obviously, wasn’t what I said. I had planned to just be this amazing single mom and, you know, take care of it all. Instead I laid in bed for months and months and months of other people taking care of my children. Came and moved in with me. It was kind of the opposite of basic training and they were able to help so much, which was a game changer. The reason why I’m sharing that with you is that was one of the reasons why, as we prepared for his second deployment, even though I knew that the likelihood of it going that way again was so low, because that was such a unique circumstance, I think I was scarred from that experience.

[00:10:43] And this time I had six little kids. I mean, my oldest was like 12, so not little, little. As we headed into that second deployment, I really struggled. I was just, survival mode seemed like the only option to get through it. It just seemed like we’ll just like put our life on pause for a year and just almost like barely get through. And then when he gets home, we’ll be able to like pick up the pieces and keep moving.

[00:11:08] And it was all very dramatic, and it felt like the only way I could think about it. And I didn’t, even though I logically understood that didn’t need to be so discouraged, I really, in that moment, didn’t feel like I could be anything but discouraged and worried and scared.

[00:11:28] Anyway, that was that moment where I was like, something’s got to change because we have too much going on. We can’t just shut our lives off for a year. I really just desperately wanted to feel different. And at that time it didn’t feel possible.

So I think that. Like I said, I characterize it in our separations, even though there was lots of in-between of getting used to being a military wife and bonding with other military wives and some of those great experiences. It hasn’t all been terrible and hard, but that’s kind of how I see that journey going, as those pieces of who I was, as each like separation came up.

[00:12:05] Christine: It’s so interesting how much our expectations of what something is going to be like, actually influence what happens and how we handle the situation. I know for me, when we were in the middle of a crazy PCS last summer in the middle of COVID, there was a lot of stress and issues with our PCS>

[00:12:26] It was on again, off again. So there was already a lot of stress, but my attitude and my feelings of getting wrapped up in that stress just made the whole situation worse. And I just needed to be able to have the perspective to step back and understand that these things happen, you know. We don’t move during COVID all the time, but you know, I don’t have to be caught up in the stress of the moment, but it’s so easy to do that.

[00:12:55] So talk through, as you started that deployment, what did you do? How did you handle it? What were some of the podcasts you started listening to and how did you find them?

[00:13:10] Jessie: Yeah. The one that was a real game changer for me is, from another life coach. I mean, I wasn’t like pro at the time. Her name’s Jody Moore and her podcast is called Better Than Happy. And it had been recommended to me several times and I had even gone in and listened to an episode. And that was just like, eh, you know, I don’t know anybody.

But then I was like, okay. I feel like I have no time. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m already so overwhelmed, but I think I could make time for a podcast. So I tried her again. And at that time, I had this goal to go walk outside every day for a year. Like, you know, and I, it wasn’t about doing it absolutely everyday, but that was just like, my goal was to try to get outside and walk every day.

[00:13:49] So I would just listen to it when I would go on my little walk, and I would just, without even realizing it, my brain was opening up instead of being so, in that discouraged kind of survival mode. Our brain goes into that safety mode, it puts up walls. But as I would listen to her podcast and she would just kind of gently open me up and help me help my brain just stretch a little bit and feel a little more possibility and a little more hope.

[00:14:18] And just like, try on this thought, try thinking about it this way, try this next time. This comes up, you know, just all these different, very, very specific and very applicable recommendations. And then one day it was probably a month after I started listening to it about every day, like maybe an episode a day, along with a few other things, but that was the main one, that I kind of realized that I had been changing slowly.

[00:14:44] And then I sort of took my pulse, metaphorically, and I was, oh, my goodness. I am like at least half as discouraged as I was la month ago. Like, there’s not really a way to measure that, but I could just remember, because it wasn’t that long ago, how I felt, and he hadn’t even left yet. This was still just like in the two or three months right before he left, as you’re preparing, which has all its own card.

[00:15:06] And I was like, he’s still about to leave. I still have six little kids. I still had that terrible deployment four years ago. But I feel at least half as discouraged as I was before. And the only thing I had changed was the podcast. And I was like, no way. I was in disbelief that just listening to something could affect me so greatly.

[00:15:28] So I kept listening and my, my hope amount was, and just kept lifting, lifting. And then it got to the point where he left, and I felt like I had a chance. I felt like I could, I had so much more control over my life, just from changing my attitude and my thoughts, which sounds so, you know, just kind of simple and cliche, but it’s, it’s everything. It’s everything.

[00:15:50] I couldn’t even believe it. And then I was just a believer from then on out. And I was like, okay, I know other women feel similar to the way I feel or other milspouses as they prepare for their different separations and their different PCSes and their different, really hard parts of military.

[00:16:07] And I want them to feel what I’m feeling right now, to have that change come, when none of your circumstances can change. And it feels like it’s your circumstances that are making you feel the way you’re feeling, but really it’s the way you don’t know how to help your brain think differently. You’re going into that survival mode as a means of keeping yourself safe and getting through it.

[00:16:25] It feels so necessary and so important and so needed and effective, but it comes at such a cost because it brings in all of that, you know, smallness and discouragement and hopelessness, and like hunkering down is what I would call it. The moment when I really realized that, it was kind of after that time, that I realized, I felt at least half way better than I felt when I was sitting.

[00:16:54] We’re doing a little project with my husband that I wanted him to get done before he left. And my brain just had this brand new idea. And it’s such a simple idea, but I had been so discouraged about, you know, I have six kids and I just don’t think I’m going to be enough for all of them to do it by myself.

[00:17:12] And the two youngest ones were so little, they were like 18 months or two years old and six months old when he was leaving. And my brain just went, get a nanny. Like, I don’t know. I just had this thought. I was like, get a nanny, and then I kind of dismissed it because I was like, oh, we don’t have like a lot of extra money.

[00:17:28] And I don’t work outside the home. I’m just, I’m a stay at home mom as well. And, you know, I am an entrepreneur. I wasn’t a life coach at this time, but I had some other things that I was doing. But I was home all day and my brain just kept saying. The part that I was so discouraged about was like, how will I take care of all these kids by myself?

[00:17:49] Because I just thought about my husband’s leaving. So it has to be me by myself. And while I knew I would have family and neighbors, that would be like, let me know if I can help. It’s still just all the responsibility was right here. Right? And so my brain just kept offering me this new idea, get a nanny.

[00:18:05] And I just, instead of just rejecting it. Instead, I opened up to, how could I make that? How could I do that with my particular circumstances, where I, you know, I could use like maybe 15 hours of help a week. That would make such a difference, but it would all be a lot of extra money and my brain just solved it.

[00:18:21] It just went to work, solved the whole thing, because I wasn’t so closed down. I was opened up and ready for new ideas, and ready for new solutions. Like it didn’t just have to be, my husband would be the only one that could help me and he’s going to be gone. So I’m going to drown, you know, and I was able to find this incredible woman.

[00:18:38] Who I traded room and board with cause we had a guest room. And so she lived with us and she gave me 15 to 20 hours a week of childcare and cleaning and then she had another job. So she was like gone a lot of the time and I would just get, you know, some different hours here and there with her and it made all the difference.

[00:18:56] And I know that’s just like a interesting, very specific example, but it exemplifies to me how, before my brain was open, there were no options. And once my brain was like, just more flexible and open to, like, I wonder how else I might solve this. Having so many children, it has to be gone for a year. All of a sudden I was like, oh, there’s a solution.

[00:19:16] Okay. Well, I’m not sure how to make it work. Oh, here’s how I solve it. And I could just create that solution out of the net. And it was amazing. Having her was amazing because then I was able to let her  take care of my babies, while I went and did fun things with my big kids, or she could take my big kids and go to something.

[00:19:33] I could just stay home with the babies. Like it was, it was kind of hard to have kids at different ages and such different activity requirements. It, that was really the point where I was like, okay, this is a game changer.

[00:19:45] Christine: That’s so awesome. And I really appreciate your sharing the specific example, because I think that’s what people can relate to, is to understand that it feels overwhelming, but when you break it down to the small bites of how could the situation be different or how could we make it better using the resources that we have, there’s always ideas.

[00:20:06] If we can just open our minds up to think outside the box. So thank you for sharing that specific example. So talk to me about how you went from having some help. You have the nanny. And how did you go from enjoying listening to a podcast to I want to be a life coach.

[00:20:30] Jessie: That’s a great question. I had spent some time, I got my degree in finance and then I got a certification in, or an accreditation to be an accredited financial counselor. And I love to talk to people and help people in, particularly I geek out about money. I don’t know why, but it’s just like my favorite.

[00:20:50] My dad’s an accountant. So I just say like, I got it from him. I don’t know. Um, anyway, I hadn’t found a lot of opportunities to use that as like a stay-at-home mom of a lot of kids, but it was still something that really intrigued me. And I wanted to find something that I could do where I could connect with people and help them.

[00:21:06] But the only avenue I had seen up to that point was my financial counselor, a path that I had taken. So as this started to come together, I just watched all these pieces. ‘Cause I, I do coach on money too. So that’s why I kind of bring that in. So, my degree and my accreditation and just all this experience of being a military wife and now having had this life-changing experience with how I had felt to now, to them, how I felt later after discovering it myself, and then just deciding like all of these pieces are coming together to like what I’m going to do next.

[00:21:41] And that was when I knew I was like, okay, Go and be, go to life coach school. Become a certified life coach, which I did. So I started coaching before I even went to go to school because I just love it so much. And, I started with these really fun dinner parties. And I did this while my husband was deployed, which blows my mind because I seriously, just six months earlier was in the depths of despair and thought, how will I even do this?

[00:22:08] Like, how will I even just barely take care of my kids while he’s gone. And now instead of like starting a business, right. And a big part of that honestly, was the nanny. Because I would just book her when I needed her. And even if like we’d already used up our 20 hours, I would just like pay her for a little bit extra hours.

[00:22:22] And so I could do so much because I wasn’t just at my wit’s end all the time. So I did these dinner parties where, cause I also love to cook and feed people. So I would have people over, and we’d have a lovely meal together. It’s like group coaching session where I would teach them the self-coaching model that I use in all my coaching. And then have a few people volunteer to just get coached in front of everybody, which is kind of like a hot seat experience.

[00:22:48] It’s a little unnerving, but it is so much fun and so rewarding because it’s almost even more rewarding for the people listening, because they’re able to see, so clearly, as someone’s kind of unraveling their brain, it’s kind of like you’re getting unstuck sessions live and with a group of people. I don’t know, it’s so much fun.

[00:23:07] So I did those dinner parties for like a year, and that was so much fun. They were like a lot of work, but I had a blast doing it. So since then, now that I have like my podcast up and going, and my practice up and going. I have consistent clients,  I don’t do that anymore, but I honestly want to go back to it somehow.

[00:23:24] Just bring that back a little bit, because that was how I got my start with coaching. And then anyways, so then I went to life coach school and got certified and have just been rocking and rolling from there and having so much fun with it. I just, I’m like, I’ll never look back. I was always meant to be a life coach and I had no idea. I didn’t even know what life coaching was or what life coaches were or what they did. And now I am one.

[00:23:50] Christine: Well, I love hearing your story because it shows what it looks like to just chase your dreams and to really start to look at, okay, what is it that is lighting me up right now and how do I incorporate that in my everyday life? And, you know, the fact that you were able to say, Hey, I love food. I love what I am learning in my podcast.

[00:24:13] I love this life coaching thing. How do I bring all of these elements that are lighting me up together? It’s such a specific and unique thing to do, not something that just anybody would think about, but, you know, bringing all of your passions and your skills together to really show up as the person that you are meant to be.

[00:24:35] And make an impact at the same time. That’s exactly what I love to talk about on the show. Just this journey of stepping into it, to what lights us up and figuring out what leads us closer to living with purpose each and every day. So I love that and I would love to know just more about, okay, so you’ve started your life coaching business. How long after that, did you start the podcast and what was your motivating factor to start the podcast?

[00:25:10] Jessie: So I started coaching in the fall of 2018 and I started my podcast fall of 2019. So what I love, what you were just saying is like that lights you up. Aspect. That’s such an awesome way to say it because it’s hard to describe that feeling. But when you find something you’re like, I I’m like living for this, you know, it’s like, that’s how I felt.

[00:25:31] And so I just wanted to get some coaching under my belt to make sure I really wanted to do that. Then I was like, okay, now I’m ready to pay for life coach school. Then once I was done with that, I was like, okay, now I’m ready to start my podcast. Cause that was always, that was like, I knew that would be a really big part of it. Particularly because of the experience that I had with podcasts.

[00:25:50] And for me, it was like when I was in that low point and nothing, no helps seemed to be available to me. I logically understood that there was help out there, and that there was like a chance I didn’t have to feel this way, but none of that felt available to me or possible. But as a few different, you know, important people to me would say like, maybe just try this podcast.

[00:26:11] And then I watched my brain just crack open. It was like, it was so closed. And so just shut down and then I watched it just crack open and say like, okay, I think I can make time for a podcast. And that was all it needed was just that little crack to just let that first episode in and then the second episode.

[00:26:28] And then I still wasn’t even like feeling any different or believing, but I just listened to the next one. And the crack just got a little bit bigger. And then, like I said, you know, after a time I was like, oh my goodness, I feel so much better. So having that experience, I was like, okay, I want a podcast, I want to give me one of the most important things I do because I need to reach people in that moment.

[00:26:48] I need to reach these military spouses who are preparing for their second, third, fourth deployment, who are preparing in their second, third, fourth pregnancy, who are, they’re having all of these really challenging circumstances. And no help feels available to them, even if they logically understand help is out there and they could go after it.

[00:27:07] A podcast is so magical because it’s so accessible, particularly all have these cute little computers in our pockets. It’s free. And everybody has time to listen to a podcast. I mean, there’s not one person that doesn’t, you know, either have like a commute or they’re driving at some point almost every day.

[00:27:24] They’re doing chores. They’re exercising. There’s always 20 minutes in your day. You could listen to a podcast there’s like hardly an excuse you could make that would say, like, I don’t have time for a podcast. And I was like, that’s going to be everything. Because if I can put this message out in that format, that’s going to reach even those people whose minds just have one tiny little crack open to like, think I could make time for a podcast.

[00:27:48] And, and so when I record my episodes, that’s who I’m envisioning. Even though I’m sure people will listen to are kind of in all places. But that’s the person I’m trying to reach. Just like, I still imagined me myself in that moment and I thought, okay, she’s there all there is, is this tiny crack? Like I just need to get into that little crack and help her just realize that it can all get even just a little bit better and just build from there.

[00:28:16] Christine: Well, I love it, especially because you have such a specific vision for who you’re trying to reach. When we think about life coaching, it’s a very broad concept and you could kind of specialize in a number of different things, but you have the specific idea of who it is that you’re talking to and how you can help her.

[00:28:39] So can you kind of explain to us a little bit about who you’re targeting in your life coaching practice and how you specifically help?

[00:28:48] Jessie: Yes. I love to work with people, as you probably already know, but military wives, particularly. I’m totally willing to coach men, but I just feel more in tune and connected to women.

[00:29:00] So I definitely advertise or speak to the wives and military wives. And then particularly as you either are preparing for deployment are in a deployment or kind of like recovering from a deployment. I really like to focus in on the deployment aspect of military life, even though there’s many other things.

[00:29:18] And not necessarily just deployment, but really just that time apart that can feel so much, like have to go in survival mode. We have to put our lives on pause. We have to just get through this, you know, all of that kind of mentality. And then another piece that I see, I saw it in myself. I see it in my clients sometimes, is it’s almost like it would be almost like an injustice.

[00:29:41] If it went really well. I know that sounds, it’s kind of hard to explain, but I feel like there’s some there’s some honor or maybe perceived honor, and like we toughed it through that deployment and it kind of feels like that’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be really hard, You shouldn’t enjoy yourself.

[00:29:59] That would be like a dishonor to the experience. And I just love opening women up to that experience of. Just like you say, like, what can I make of this? Like, I could make anything. I wanted this, what do I want to make of it? It’s not that you need to like, go start a business like I did, or, or whatever it is that you want to make of it, but that it all feels available to you. And that’s, that’s really important.

[00:30:23] Christine: So, what would you say are some of the things that you have either learned yourself on this journey of being a life coach or through coaching other military wives? What are some of the big takeaways that you’ve learned through this process?

[00:30:40] Jessie: For sure. Um, one of the big ones is definitely embracing your circumstances. You and I have talked about this a little bit, but it’s noticing which parts of your life you’re resisting your reality. We all do it. We all fight against our reality because it’s not what we would prefer. It’s not what we would choose if we could choose our circumstances. But so often we can’t choose our circumstances.

[00:31:06] And just wrapping your arms around your current circumstances and letting go of some of that resistance and thinking that anything should be different. It doesn’t mean that you have to say like, this is what I would choose. We don’t need to lie to ourselves. But just to say, like, even though I don’t prefer this, even though I wouldn’t choose it, like here’s what’s happening and I’m just going to embrace it.

[00:31:25] I love that. Okay. I’m always seeking to help my clients get relief. So I never, not never. I try to not say like, okay, you’re going to stop doing this, or you’re going to do this all the time. I say like, let’s just do less of this and like a little more of this. And it’s about being very reasonable and realistic.

[00:31:46] We decrease on some of the things that aren’t serving us, not necessarily stop doing them. Right? And then when we increase some of the things that do, we get immediate relief. When we get relief, we get energy, we get built up, we get open and opportunities come our way, and then they feel possible.

[00:32:04] Like relief is huge. And I love to find that for my clients, when we are able to find little ways that they’re holding themselves back in a way that is completely in their control. And that’s really awesome. Another thing that I love to talk about and help my clients create for themselves, because I find this to be a very discouraging piece of whatever is having to be separated at that at that time, whether it’s deployment or TDY or different trainings, is just that creating that feeling of connection.And what I have learned is that it feels way less available to us when they’re away. Because the main ways we think about creating connection.

[00:32:46] Doing things in our physical presence with that. And, you know, having those meaningful conversations, reading their body cues, you know, going on dates, physical touch, kissing, you know, all of that, that feels like how we create connection. And it is a big piece of it. So when that’s unavailable to us, it feels like we can’t have the connection that we want to have when they’re gone.

[00:33:06] And that can be so discouraging and really make the deployment or whatever reason they’re gone, even that much more painful and challenging. So I love to talk to my clients about that.

[00:33:19] Christine: So what are some of the tips you have for military couples who are looking to maintain that connection or find a different way to connect when you’re apart from each other?

[00:33:34] Jessie: For sure. My favorite place to start, and this goes right along with the self-coaching model that I use, which is basically that our thoughts are always what create our feelings and our feelings are what create our actions and our actions create our results. And so what I really encourage them to do is to think about connection a whole new way, where it actually isn’t dependent on their spouse, cause everything their spouse does.

[00:34:00] Comes what we call that in like the circumstance sign, which comes right before the thought everything that’s in our circumstances is right up there. And then we have thoughts about our circumstances, right? So I tell them to start by creating the feeling of connection in themselves. It’s as if I have this little analogy that I use that I’ll, I’ll tell you really quickly, it’s called the cupcake concept.

[00:34:21] So what we’re used to doing is kind of building our cupcake with somebody else. Which so like a cupcake is like anything that you’re working on. Like for example, feeling connected. Okay. So we’ve got our cupcake going and then our husband’s there and we’re feeling connected and all he has is frosting though.

[00:34:41] And so we put all that frosting on our cupcake and it’s all looking pretty good, but then they leave and the frosting leaves and it just all kind of crumbles. And if we’re, if we’re relying on him to feel connected, and this is such an interesting concept, because when you think of connection, you think it’s a two-person thing, and it is.

[00:34:58] But the core of the foundation is creating that feeling for yourself. So I’ll give you some specific examples because that’s a pretty abstract concept. Like we want the frosting from our husband. We want to make sure we’re only putting that frosting on the top and that we are responsible and take care of like the foundation, which is the cupcake and we build it ourselves.

[00:35:17] Then we go to him and say like, here’s other ways I love feeling connected with you and then put that frosting on the top anyways. So a couple of specific ways that I encourage my clients to work on this is to really pay attention to what they’re thinking about what they have to offer in the relationship, about what their spouse is thinking about them, about their ability to even feel connected when they’re apart.

[00:35:42] So we, without realizing it, we spend time thinking it’s so hard to connect when he’s gone. And we kind of have that thought on loop in our head without even realizing it. It’s like almost on the subconscious level where we’re like, oh, he’s gone. And it’s so hard to feel connected. It’s so hard to feel connected.

[00:35:56] And then that’s our thought. And we build it all around that even when we don’t mean to, I mean, we just, we just believe it because we’re thinking it so much. And so I encourage them to find some of those kinds of thoughts or even another thought. Like you might notice you spending thinking, like, I wonder if he’s thinking about me, or I hope he’s thinking about me.

[00:36:13] I wonder if he misses me. We’re over here knowing that we’re missing them and that we’re thinking about. But we, we don’t know if we even have permission to believe, oh, he misses me so much. And he’s thinking about me all the time. Like, even if he’s telling us that like, oh, I miss you. I think about you all the time.

[00:36:29] We still just because we’re human and our human brain is still like a little bit doubtful and a little bit kind of scared and protective. So it’s like, oh, I hope he’s thinking about me. I wonder if he misses me now and all these kinds of thoughts really affect our cupcake now. He even, he has even said to us, like, I miss you, but it’s our thought that it’s like, maybe he’s not even thinking about me.

[00:36:52] That is what is going to make us feel less connected to our spouse. So as we identify some of those really specific thoughts that we’re almost thinking without even noticing and realize what story that’s creating for us. And we start to just make tiny adjustments to those thoughts. I never want it to be like, he’s probably not even thinking about me all the way to, like, I know he thinks about me every minute.

[00:37:12] We don’t need to make that huge jump, but to just say, there’s a good chance. Say you’re thinking, like, I wonder if he’s thinking about me instead of just adjust it to something. There’s a good chance. He spends quite a bit of time thinking about, you know, like a really soft, just adjustment to help your brain feel more we’re believed, like help your brain believe the thing you want to believe.

[00:37:34] You want to believe that he’s thinking about you all the time, that he’s crazy about you, that he can’t stop thinking about you. And we can never know. He can tell us all day long what he’s doing and thinking, but we’re always guessing. And we tend to guess in a pretty negative way as a, as this, this like safety thing we do.

[00:37:52] So to just start to give yourself permission, to head closer and closer to believing what you want to believe, which is like, when my husband isn’t like busy at work, he’s missing me. I’m thinking about me because that creates feeling connected. And we don’t even know that it’s that much in our control, but it’s so in.

[00:38:10] Christine: Have you read anything by John Gottman? I am currently going through his seven…seven something for marriage. And a lot of it is very research based, but it goes to exactly what you’re talking about. And this idea of the thoughts in our mind are framing what we’re actually thinking and how we’re responding to our partner.

[00:38:34] And, um, he has this seven-week challenge that you can go through to think about your spouse every day. I’m going through that right now. But it’s goes to exactly what you were saying about how we are framing the thoughts about our spouse in our mind.

[00:38:50] Jessie: Exactly. I mean, imagine you’re, you know, you’re going through your day and they’re asleep or whatever, and like they’re deployed.

[00:38:55] Right? And then they wake up and you get on a call together and you have been spending the day thinking like I’m so lucky. My husband thinks about me all the time. Like, do you know. Uh, strong with the sentence, as you want, as you can believe, some people need to like soften it at first, and then kind of strengthen over time.

[00:39:12] And then you get on that call and you’re like, Hey, how are you? I miss you. I love you so much. And then when he says, I miss you too, you totally believe him. And it’s not that you didn’t believe him before, but there’s just this part of us that is like, oh, I really hope that’s true. You know, even if I don’t know if everyone struggles in that way, but typically when we’re struggling to feel connected, it’s because we’re just spending a lot of time thinking things that deflate that feeling of connection for us. Because we just have doubt and we have like a little bit of concern that we’re like a little bit worried and he’s so busy and we haven’t talked in three days, you know, and those kinds of physical things that are so often not in our control.

Like we get to talk every day, but it’s for like two minutes and it’s choppy or like the kids are whining, you know? And, and thank goodness. We don’t have to have meaningful conversations to feel connected to our spouse. Thank goodness. We don’t have to have physical touch to feel connected to ourselves because as military wives, holy cow, would we be in trouble if it required that to feel connected.

[00:40:10] Christine: Absolutely. That’s such a practical and helpful way to help us as military spouses, especially anyone that is dealing with a deployment or a TDY or any kind of lengthy separation from your spouse. So as we wrap up today, I would love to know if there was one thing that you could say to a military spouse who is just in that place of despair and discouragement, of feeling overwhelmed with their circumstances. What would you like to tell her?

[00:40:46] Jessie: My favorite message to communicate? It’s like a rule I have in all of my coaching, this to just be nice to yourself. And that sounds so simple, but if you wrap everything you’re doing in that.

 I feel like so many times the women that I work with, they are doubtful that they are strong enough. They’re doubtful that they’re getting half done. They’re doubtful that they’re have enough value or they’re worthy enough or that, you know, connection struggles with their spouse. There’s so many things they’re struggling with. And half of the battle is just giving yourself permission to believe that you’re already doing a great job, giving yourself permission to think and believe you’re being strong.

[00:41:26] It looks like crying half of the time. We think when, you know, when we have to ask for help or when we’re crying, that’s evidence that we weren’t strong enough to like get through a deployment without doing that. But as soon as we wrap, be nice to myself around whatever it is that we do, suddenly we were like, oh, if I saw my friend crying, I wouldn’t think she is a wimp, you know, I would think she is my hero.

[00:41:49] And like, to just turn that around on us. Like, we’re so good at doing it for other people. We’re so good. Finding the best in other people and giving people the benefit of the doubt. And then we’re like so quick to just like throw ourselves under the bus. So to just be nice to yourself, all along the way to look for the good in you to give yourself permission to believe you’re already doing enough, you’re already strong enough.

[00:42:11] You know, like your husband loves you so much. I get, I know that everyone struggles with that one, but it’s almost like an irrational illogical struggle. Like you can totally know and believe your husband loves you and still struggle with it when they’re apart. That’s like the trick of being apart is your brain is like trying to solve for the fact that they’re gone.

[00:42:31] I mean, that’s why that comes up so much. You bring us offering you all these illogical thoughts that you’re like, I know that’s not even true, but now I’m kind of feeling it, you know? And so to just be kind to yourself in every piece of that struggle and to just open up to like how, if, if a friend. Doing what I was doing, how would I treat her?

[00:42:48] And then like treat yourself that same way. And it’s, it’s magical. It really changes that.

[00:42:54] Christine: That is so good because I know it is so easy. We’re so hard on ourselves, especially as an Enneagram one who is a recovering perfectionist. It’s so easy to have my thoughts, beat myself up in my head and just that constant reminder that, okay, give yourself grace.

[00:43:13] You are doing the best that you can and you are doing enough. So thank you for sharing that with us today. Can you tell everybody how they can find you where they can find you online and find out more about your life coaching?

[00:43:28] Jessie: Absolutely. Okay. So it’s simply resilient life coaching, and that’s how you would find me on Instagram or Facebook.

[00:43:35] And my podcast is simply resilient and it’s on all major podcast platforms. And if anybody is wanting to get ahold of me specifically, you can send me an email@jessieatsimplyresilient.net.

[00:43:48] Christine: Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show today and sharing all of your wisdom with us. I know it will be so meaningful and such a blessing to so many military spouses.

[00:43:59] So. Thank you.

[00:44:01] Jessie: It was such a pleasure.

[00:44:03] Christine: I hope you loved that conversation as much as I did. I’m so grateful that she shared her story with us. If you would like to connect with Jessie, I will have all of her information linked in the show notes below or over on the website, milspousemastermind.com.

[00:44:19] Connect with her. Give her podcast to listen. I hope you found value in today’s episode. Quick reminder, the most impactful thing you can do if you found this information valuable is to share it with someone in your life. It’s super easy to do, and you can go over to iTunes and leave us a quick review, or just to take a screenshot of this episode, post it up in your stories, tag me in that, and I will share your post and together we can make a difference in the lives of military spouses. I hope you have an amazing week until next time, may you live filled, fueled and full of joy.