Do you struggle to make friends? Are you feeling a little isolated and lonely right now? Because you’ve just moved or maybe your friends have moved away and you’re struggling to find the motivation to get out there and make new friends. Today we are diving into all things friendship. Why you need to find your tribe, and specific things that you can do to help you navigate the ever-changing nature of military life and make new friends.

I want to invite you to join our online community of military spouses. The beautiful thing about the world we live in is that the internet has the ability to bring us together and connect us in ways that were not previously available to us. As military spouses and as human beings we were created for connection.

[00:01:50] It’s easy to become isolated. And to wonder if we are the only ones struggling with something or to feel like we’re all alone in a difficult season. The truth is we are not alone. We are better together and whatever you were going through right now, I guarantee you, someone else is struggling with the exact same thing.

[00:02:14] I created the milspouse mastermind show and this free community, because I wanted more military spouses to be able to connect, to be able to understand that we all go through these difficult seasons. We have to be honest about our struggles, but we don’t have to go through them alone. So if you’re struggling come into the group, if you are pursuing something new step into the group, if you are trying to grow, if you are feeling alone, step into the group, share what’s going on with you and let us come around you and support you and encourage you and help you in your.

[00:02:55] There’s a quote that says, if you go, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together and I want to help you navigate this journey. Not achieve overnight success, or feel like you’ve accomplished a singular goal, but to help you to thrive in your life and in your business. I want us all to flourish and use our skills to create lives that light us up and bless those around us.

[00:03:26] And that happens in community. So if you have not done so, head over to milspousemastermind.com forward slash community. Join our group, introduce yourself and let’s get to know one another.

Okay, so now that that’s out there, let’s talk about what we do with feelings of isolation. What do we do if we don’t make friends easily?

[00:03:50] How do we overcome that desire to check out after our friends have left, we know that we’re going to be moving to a new location. So can’t we just put life on hold until we meet. I know that these are all thoughts that many military spouses have. And I’m going to talk to us today, not just as someone who is giving that advice, but as someone who needs to hear my own advice, someone who has to listen and learn from what I’m saying today, it’s something that I have to remind myself of often because it’s just human nature.

[00:04:28] To feel sad when a friend leaves or when you leave and to be overwhelmed with the thought of starting over of trying to build relationships. And even though I said earlier, it’s great to have these online relationships and we have the ability to stay in touch with friends. Unlike previous generations ever.

[00:04:51] But there’s just something to being physical proximity with other people to have those face-to-face conversations and it takes time and energy to build those relationships. So let’s start out by talking about why finding your tribe matters. I want us to have this understanding of why. Because when we lose our, why we lose our way. If we don’t understand why something is important, it’s very easy to not do it, to not prioritize it.

[00:05:24] But here’s the thing. Our ability to thrive and live as healthy and whole human beings is dependent on our ability to be in community with others, to have connections. Big piece of the puzzle. So the first thing to note is that we were created for connection and belonging. We are hard wired to connect with others.

[00:05:51] It gives purpose and meaning to our lives. If we are not in connection with others, if we do not have a support system, then we will feel like something is missing in our lives. Doing life together creates a greater opportunity to experience living and a more meaningful way full of authentic connection.

[00:06:20] Not only that having these connections helps us, it buffers us from the negative effects of stress and it helps us flourish in spite of our circumstances as military spouses. We’re going to have a lot of stuff thrown our way. We’re going to have a lot of challenging situations that we go through. We’re going to deal with a lot of added stress and, and you know, what’s going to help us navigate those seasons deal with that stress being in connection with.

[00:06:58] Studies have shown that when we are closely knit within a community, we are at our best flourishing and full of life. I want for you to be flourishing. I want you to thrive. I want you to live filled, fueled, and full of joy and living in connection and community is part of. The other thing to remember is that it’s part of what three eights, the sense of home that creates part of how you love, where you live.

[00:07:36] It is possible to be at home anywhere when you are alive with connection. Last week, we talked about the essence of home and how we can choose to make our home a life-giving home, a home that brings. And flourishing and joy to ourselves, to our families and to all those who step inside our home or in our front yards or in our park porches, the fact is we can contribute to making that sense of home, to making life better, to create eating to community where we live.

[00:08:19] But why don’t we, why do we sometimes struggle with this? Well, as I alluded to before, connection can be difficult because it takes focused time and energy. And especially if we are not an extrovert, then that may be something that puts us way outside of our comfort. Yeah. We might be busy. We might be dealing with negative emotions that we don’t know how to process properly.

[00:08:49] We still overwhelmed with life. We don’t feel like we have anything to offer others. These are excuses that keep us from connection and community. On top of that, most of us are raised in a culture of individualism that I can do it myself. I can pull myself up by my bootstraps. I can figure this out on my own.

[00:09:14] I don’t need community. I don’t need connection. It’s nice to have. It’s not important. And when we adopt. Messages that we don’t even realize, have been said to us, it affects how we behave yet. The studies, the research shows that we are better together, that we need each other, and that we are, we will go farther and do more and overcome more when we are part of a tribe.

[00:09:47] But it’s something that we have to choose. We have to choose. To connect. We have to choose to be vulnerable. We have to choose to be willing to ask for help, which is not always easy to do. I mentioned Brene Brown and her book Daring Greatly in our last episode. But when she talks about connection and belonging and her body of research really focuses on shame.

[00:10:17] And the definition of shame is the fear of disconnection because at a core level, what we all fear is not being connected and not having the ability to have meaningful relationships in our life. And Brene shares that the path to, or what she calls, building shame resilience is choosing vulnerability and cultivating empathy, courage and compassion.

[00:10:53] So today I want to talk about four ways that we think. Cultivate connection and choose the path of building relationships and start of letting ourselves become isolated. Isolation happens when we pull inward and stop reaching out. Studies have found that loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity.

[00:11:22] We have to fight against the tendency to pull inward and stop reaching out. So let’s talk about some practical things we can do to cultivate connection in our lives as military spouses. So the first thing we can do is practice vulnerability. Now this is a big topic, but specifically I want to hone in on one particular aspect of learning to be vulnerable.

[00:11:46] And that is both learning to give and receive. Now a lot of us can give help. That’s not the issue for many of us, but being able to ask for help when you need it, to be honest about areas that you’re struggling in and let people help you is much more different. Again, with our culture of, I can do it myself.

[00:12:13] I can figure it out. I’ll be fine. Instead of learning, to be honest about our struggles and let people help. This is a lesson that I have had to learn over and over again, because again, I find it so easy to say, oh, I can help others, but I’ll be fine on my own. If I’m not feeling well. I’ll just be able to manage the kids, even though I can barely move and I’m stuck in bed and letting people come and help me being honest about, Hey, I’m struggling in this area.

[00:12:47] Can you help? Is something that doesn’t come naturally to me that I am working to cultivate, but every time that I have let myself, um, receive help, I grow in my empathy and understanding of. Letting somebody know, Hey, I’m sick. Can you come watch the kids? Or can you come bring us. Soup or, um, as I think I shared on another episode when our wallets got stolen this year and because we live on an island and it took weeks for us to get new debit cards, we were without any cashflow, even though we had plenty of money in the bank and just having friends that came and offered to lend us money until we could access the money.

[00:13:35] And then. Was a huge learning point because we needed to be able to buy groceries. I wanted to say, I’ll figure it out on my own. I don’t need help, but it was such a blessing to be able to receive help from others. Now we don’t want to constantly just being, just be in receiving mode. We have to offer to help others as well.

[00:13:58] I think it’s easier for most of us to offer help. To receive help. So think about how you can learn to offer help to others and ask for help when you need it.

The second way that we can cultivate connection is to have healthy inputs. When we look at our growth wheel, it’s divided into inputs and outputs. Inputs are the things that feel us and fill us with life.

[00:14:32] So that we can create healthy outputs outfits are the output rhythms that help us reach out to bless, to help others and to live a life of purpose. But if we don’t have healthy inputs that fuel us and fill us with life, our outputs will not be behind. As I say so often we cannot pour from an empty cup.

[00:14:57] If we are not being fueled and filled, we have nothing to give. So when we talk about practicing healthy inputs, when we talk about caring for ourselves, when we talk about practicing rest, when we talk about doing the things that help our mind, body, and soul. The question that we really need to ask ourselves is, are we doing things that fuel us and fill us with life?

[00:15:25] We can do things that are quote unquote self-care things. I’m going to get a pedicure or getting a massage that may or may not be fueling and filling to you. So another way to phrase this question is: Is this comforting and nourishing my spirit or is it a temporary reprieve from vulnerability and difficult emotions, which ultimately diminishes my spirit?

[00:15:58] Is it nourishing you or is it a temporary reprieve? Is it a distraction? Is it ultimately diminishing your spirit? Incorporate healthy impact? The rhythms that fuel you and fill you that nourish your spirit so that you can pour life into others. Because when we choose healthy inputs, when we choose self care practices, it will deepen our relationships with those we love and help us to become a better.

[00:16:38] The third thing we can do to cultivate connection is to initiate friendship. Yes. I know all of the introverts lifting or like, but that is so far out of my comfort zone. So first yes, it may make you uncomfortable, but also it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. So here’s, here’s what I want to say is don’t underestimate the power of one or two.

[00:17:07] Authentic relationships. That’s really all it takes to transform isolation into joy. So, no, you do not have to show up in the middle of a large party and introduce yourself to everybody to find connection. There are ways for you to initiate friendship that don’t have to feel overwhelming. Now I’ve shared before.

[00:17:34] I learned a lot from our first military move when my husband and I got married, um, I was already in that location. And so I already had plenty of connections. I had a job, I was fully established and it had been there for several years. It wasn’t a big deal when we got married. Yes, he deployed, yes. He went on deployments and TDYs, but I had my community.

[00:18:02] And so I didn’t feel that sense of isolation and loneliness, but when it came time for him to move again, that was my first time to move with the military. Now it wasn’t my first time to move. To a place where I didn’t know anybody. Obviously I went to college and I didn’t really know anybody at the college that I went to, but college is its own unique.

[00:18:28] Set up and there’s plenty of opportunities to meet people and build relationships. When, and then I moved again for a job to a city where I knew like one person, um, which was a little bit overwhelming, but the truth was that I had a job. I had a purpose that I was doing, and I met people through my job and eventually.

[00:18:53] Through organizations that I’ve volunteered with through my church and getting plugged in there. So I had gone to a new place and had to meet people, both for the difference with moving with the military is that there was nothing in it for me. I was not moving to go to something for myself. We were moving for my husband’s job.

[00:19:18] So I go from having a very close, connected community with lots of friendships, lots of relationships, a job and purpose. And then I moved to this new location where I know no one and I’m not going to a job for the first time in my life. I was unemployed first time since turning 16 and I didn’t have a way to meet people.

[00:19:44] And, and that was the big difference there. And this is probably dating myself a little bit, but at the time, I don’t even think we had a Facebook page. Or a Facebook group for the base. It started while I was there, but I didn’t have a way to really connect in and plug in and get to know people. So essentially what I did was I’m just sitting there at this house by myself with nothing to do, not knowing how to meet people.

[00:20:15] And my husband comes home and he says, Hey, there’s a guy in my flight that, just got married. And so his wife is new here. And so basically I got her number and I called her up and I said, uh, you don’t know anybody. I don’t know anybody. Do you want to go have lunch? So we went to have lunch. And that is how I made my first friend at that location.

[00:20:38] So yes, it took courage to call some stranger up. I didn’t even know and say, Hey, would you like to go have lunch with me? But it doesn’t have to be a big overwhelming party that you show. There are opportunities to meet people that can help you on your journey. And it does take courage and it does take being willing to step out outside your comfort zone, but you will have all of those benefits of community, this connection that we need to help us weather the difficult seasons at difficult times, the additional stress.

[00:21:18] We are better together. So it does take stepping outside your comfort zone comfort zone, but it is doable and it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. The other thing I will say about initiating friendship is that when we stop focusing on ourselves, when we focus on how we can love others, well, encourage them and show up for them.

[00:21:45] And. It can completely transform the way that we think about friendship. When we are focused on what we need and taking care of ourselves, it’s a completely different outlook than if we just focus on how do I show up for others? How can I serve and love them and help them thrive. If you are struggling to make friends, think about how somebody else might be.

[00:22:13] This is the empathy that we referred to earlier, how we need empathy, courage, and compassion, but this will lead us to greater vulnerability and connection. So that. We all can thrive. And then the fourth tip, I will give you, especially if you are the one moving to a new location, or if you are in a location, but you are not actively involved in community with others, get involved, find at least one activity that you can get involved in.

[00:22:50] If you have littles at home, there are probably lots of playgroups. There are lots of opportunities depending on your season of life and how much time you have to get involved. If you are a part of a squadron, there may be opportunities to meet others and get involved there. Or you can find an organization that aligns with something that you care about and volunteer your time.

[00:23:19] I know that it can be challenging as a work from home mom, because you’re in your house, you’re working from home. You may not be having those conversations and those connections in the same way that you would be if you were working in an office environment and you don’t necessarily have the same amount of time that someone who is a stay at home parent has to make connections with them.

[00:23:45] And depending on if your spouse is around and how many kids and what their ages are, you may not have a whole lot of extra time in your schedule and you need to be aware of how much free time is in your schedule, but because community and connection is important. Look for one way that you can get involved and make relationships with people who are in physical proximity to you.

[00:24:13] You don’t have to join all the things, you don’t even have to do everything that everybody tells you that you need to participate in. You definitely need to have boundaries and know what commitments you can take on what time you have available, but find a least one way to get involved with people where you live near.

[00:24:36] So much of our culture as a whole is really disconnected. And while there are some people that have very close, tight knit communities and groups, there are so many of us out there that don’t have these. And as I stated before, we. Connection. We are hard wired for it. It will help us. And as military spouses, this is even more vital, even though it is challenging because to really get to those deep soul friendships, Hey, it takes vulnerability.

[00:25:13] It takes time and energy to get to know someone on a deep level and we have to be willing to go there. But I do know that there are so many military spouses that understand. And who are willing to go deep quickly. It doesn’t necessarily take you years because we know as military spouses, especially the longer that you’re in, the more that you are realized this, we are only in a place for a specific season of time.

[00:25:39] And we want to make the most of it. We want to find our tribe to help us through that season. And it is hard to say goodbye. It is hard when you have taken the time to build that relationship and then it’s taken away and it is easy to pull back, to start to isolate, to disconnect.

[00:26:02] It’s just part of who we are as humans, but we have to fight against those tendencies. We have to choose connection. We have to put healthy inputs in to our lives. We have to choose the path of vulnerability. We have to choose to initiate friendship and we have to choose to get involved. Now, the last thing I want to say about finding your tribe before we go today is a word about spouses.

[00:26:30] Now, I don’t know, across all the different branches, what spouses clubs look like, but I will tell you that if you are looking for a place to connect and you don’t have a squadron that has a spouses club, or you don’t know a lot of places to get involved with spouses clubs are a great starting point to connect.

[00:26:56] Now I know they get a bad rap. Totally. It’s going to depend on the location you’re at and that makeup of that group. But I have found that in every place we have been, there has been a spouses club and it is a great way to get to know other people. Even if you don’t find your BFF in that spouses club, they may be able to connect you to some other group or organization that you really find yourself.

[00:27:27] Now I know part of that reputation of the spouses club is that it’s, old-school prim and proper, or the spouse that wears their active duty members rank. But honestly, at every spouses club that I have been a part of people are just looking to live a life of more meaning and purpose to not feel isolated, to not feel alone, to feel.

[00:27:55] They are using their skills, their time and their energy to make life better and to find connections and find their tribe. So just give, make generous assumptions about others. Find the people that you connect with and just give it a try if it’s not a great fit. That’s great, but don’t just stay away because you heard somebody say something bad about the club.

[00:28:21] Give it a try and see if it’s a good fit for you. Most clubs will allow you to attend one event for free to decide if it’s the right fit for you. So what I want you to walk away with today is just the understanding of why community and connection is so important. A few small steps you can take to began cultivating relationships, cultivating connection, and finding your tribe, regardless of where you’re stationed.

[00:28:53] It is important. It makes a difference. It is a vital to your ability to live as a whole and healthy person. We know. Each other, we are better together and together we threat. If you were looking for online community and you, what a place of encouragement of support, where you can be your authentic self and grow into the person that you want to become and pursue your purpose.

[00:29:22] Join the milspouse mastermind community on facebook. You can just do a search on Facebook or go to milspousemastermind.com forward slash community. We would love to connect with you. I will see you in there until next week may you live, fueled and full of joy.