[00:00:52] Hey guys, welcome to a special bonus episode of the milspouse mastermind show. This week we released the second part of the two-part series on turning a house into a home. And I already had those episodes recorded and ready to go. And so I wanted to just keep that out there, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the situation and in Afghanistan and wondering whether I should say something, what to say.

 I’ve kind of been at a loss for words and trying to figure out how do I add to the conversation instead of distract from it. But I also know that because my audience is military spouses, this affects you in such a deep way. I don’t want to ignore the issue.

[00:01:49] And so often in my episodes, I like to give you really tangible ways to take whatever it is that we’re talking about and apply it to your own life. And I didn’t feel like I have. You know, here’s five steps for how you can do X, but I knew that I needed to say something because this is affecting all of us. Whether we admit it or not, we all have complex emotions around war and Afghanistan as a whole, and specifically what’s going on right now

[00:02:23] So today is not just a feel-good episode. The goal is to have a conversation about showing up and acknowledging what we feel, wherever we land on that spectrum. So many of us have struggled with confusion and heartbreak and anger. We are mourning the loss of life and the fall of a country that held on to hope for the last 20 years. We had a whole generation of girls that got to attend school and learn to read.

[00:03:07] We saw people who wanted to improve their lives, the future lives of their children. In some senses, it feels canceled. Like all of that has just gone up in flames and we wonder sometimes, was all of that pain and that sacrifice really worth it? When we see these images of people trying to hold onto planes as they’re taking off and they’re desperate to escape their life, they’re desperate for a future, that breaks my heart.

[00:03:46] We don’t really have the answers and perhaps never will. Right now it’s really not the time to hash out what happened and what could have been done better. All we have is what we have right now. War is costly and so many have made the ultimate sacrifice. And, you know, we got the news last week that 13 members of our armed forces lost their lives.

[00:04:12] And my heart broke thinking about their family members receiving that knock on the door. That knock that nobody ever wants to receive. And then when they released their names and the photos, and I saw how young most of them were, many of them are barely alive when 9-11 happened. When we first started this war and they still showed up and went and served.

[00:04:41] I’m grateful for their sacrifice and for everyone who has given their lives in the service of a better future. I am grateful for all the men and women who continue to serve. And I am absolutely amazed at all that we’ve done in the last couple of weeks.

[00:05:04] Just how many people they airlifted in such a short amount of time and how many people in our military community have come together to support those people. For the Americans trying to get out and for the Afghans in search of a better life and how we have facilitated making that possible, coming together, providing food, providing clothing, providing, you know, baby bottles and childcare for those unaccompanied minors.

[00:05:32] I see all of my friends’ posts who are in Germany and just. Going on, on the ground, right? There is absolutely amazing. Yesterday I got the alert in my newsfeed that the last of the U S troops left asking Afghanistan and the headline read marking the end of America’s longest war. And when I read that, I actually got a little emotional and it surprised me.

[00:06:03] I’m not sure what I expected to feel reading that, but it made me go all the way back and think about. September 11^th. For me, I was a freshman in college and essentially my entire adult life, we have been at war. And I remember exactly where I was when I first heard about the world trade center towers. I had gone to my early morning class on a Tuesday morning and a girl walked into the class a little bit late, and the professor got really upset with her and said, how dare you be late to my class?

[00:06:44] And she said, well, a plane just hit the world trade center. And he said, that is not an excuse to be late to my class. And it’s funny to reflect back on it now, because today we would have cell phones and we all instantly know we’d get those alerts in our phones, but back then I didn’t have a cell phone.

[00:07:03] I had no way of knowing what was going on. And so that’s all I knew. And in fact, I wouldn’t find out about really what happened for the next several hours, because as soon as I got done with that class, I headed over to the cafeteria and we didn’t have any TVs in the cafeteria. So I ate my breakfast and then we had chapel on Tuesday morning.

[00:07:25] So I headed over and found my chapel seat. And it wasn’t until I think it was the university president that got up and said, due to the circumstances of today we’re canceling chapel. I was like, what in the world has happened? I still had no idea what was going on. So I finally walked back to my room and turned on the TV and that’s when I saw those images that will never be erased from my mind.

[00:07:58] I actually think it’s a little humorous in a sense, looking back because of how much it was downplayed in my personal life. The university at the time made a rule that it was up to each individual professor whether to hold classes that day or not. So obviously my first class went on and I only had one more class that day and they told us, well, you just have to go to the class and check in with the professor.

[00:08:25] Most of my friends had all of their classes canceled, but I stopped by my afternoon class. And my professor was like, no, this is not a reason why we would not have class and totally downplayed it. But over the next several days, as more information came out and as really our lives, as we know it today was so much shaped by the events on the day.

[00:08:52] I think about the questions that arose of whether we, as Americans would be safe, and whether there would be a draft and whether all of my friends would go off to war. Never once did it cross my mind that 20 years later we would still be in that war or that my husband would be serving over there, or that I would have podcast for military spouses.

[00:09:21] But here we are today. And I think about all of the sacrifices that have happened over the last 20 years. For the people that have served, for all of us who have something we’ve lost something. Some of us have lost loved ones. Some of us have had loved ones who returned home a different person. And probably most of us tuning in today have sacrificed significant amounts of time with our loved ones due to deployments and separations.

[00:09:55] We’ve spent time explaining to our children why their mommy or daddy couldn’t be home for their birthdays and for Christmas and other celebrations. And some sense right now we’re all grieving and that’s totally okay. And totally normal. It’s okay to grieve what is lost. It’s okay. To struggle emotionally.

[00:10:18] It’s okay to be sad and proud and angry all at the same time and to have questions about whether it was worth it and what could have happened differently, but here’s the piece of this puzzle. It’s doubly hard because so many of us were already struggling mentally and emotionally. 2020 was a difficult year for most of us.

[00:10:47] We all had to shift what it looks like to live a normal life. As we started having the numbers go down in the spring and early summer, there was this renewed sense of optimism that maybe life would feel more normal again. And now that’s been replaced by our worst COVID numbers to date. Our little island over here went from almost having zero cases for a months to now being placed back on the do not travel list.

[00:11:26] And while thankfully our schools on base are still in session. All of the schools off base have already returned to virtual learning. This is basically the third school year in a row that’s been disrupted and I know that’s going to affect learning in our kids, but to go from the place of, I wonder whether they’ll wear a mask the school year to I wonder if we’re going to be back in this place of virtual environments again, that places an additional emotional and mental strain.

And so when we already have all this added stress and anxiety and mental anguish and all this stuff, we’re already processing. And then you add all of this stuff with Afghanistan and what’s going on over there on top of it.

[00:12:19] It’s not just Afghanistan in a vacuum. It’s everything that has brought us to where we are with our mental and emotional health right now. It’s how we already, a lot of us have elevated stress levels and how this plays in the mix. I recently started watching this documentary on mental health. It’s called The Me You Can’t See.

[00:12:42] I’m not that far in, but so far it’s really good. And perhaps what has struck me most of all is just how unaware we can be of the things that impact our lives and how much, how we struggle mentally and emotionally affects every other area of our life.

[00:13:09] Uh, one of the interviews that they do, Oprah talks about starting a leadership academy for girls in South Africa. And they went to all these villages and they picked girls that showed a lot of ambition and drive and promise for the future. And they brought them to this school and gave them a place to live and clothing and food. And education. And what they didn’t expect is how much those girls would struggle being in this new environment, because they had spent so much of their lives in very difficult environments.

[00:13:40] And so their mental and emotional health affected their ability to learn. And so that was a conversation that they had to have, that those girls struggled to adjust to a place where they could thrive. Our mental health affects every aspect of how we live our lives.

So I guess what I would like to say to you today is number one. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel and it’s okay to not know what you feel and to feel a complex mix of emotions. Number two. I would say that it’s okay to ask for help when you’re struggling. It’s not something that you need to diminish or try to figure out on your own. I just want it to be normal for us to reach out.

[00:14:42] When we’re trying to process these complex feelings and emotions, you can go talk to the chaplain on your base and they can give you a lot of resources and help connect you with appropriate tools to help you. Most bases also have MFLACs – military and family life consultants, and they are also a great.

[00:15:09] You can go to military one source and find some resources through their number. I will try to link this information in the show notes, but please don’t keep it to yourself. If you’re struggling, it’s okay to ask for help. But then we also know from talking about how we thrive that while we cannot control our circumstances, we can control our responses.

[00:15:38] And so it’s not healthy for us to stay in a dark place. We need to show up and acknowledge what we feel, but then we have to choose a more productive response. What do we do with what we have? And so the question that I want to leave you with today is what is my role to play right now?Maybe it’s simply asking someone for help.

[00:16:10] But then maybe you are in a place where you can go physically volunteer and be a part of this mission. Maybe you are separated from what’s where things are actually taking place, but you have the ability to donate to that cause, and maybe your role is simply to start conversations with your friends and your neighbors about.

[00:16:38] What’s going on about how we can support our troops and our military families, or support those Afghans who are searching for a better life. Maybe it’s just talking about how we offer hope and love and support the least of the. You can be a force for good, and we all can rise to the occasion if you’re not there, if you’re not in a place where you can have a conversation and show up and serve today, that’s okay.

[00:17:17] But if you can, there are amazing opportunities and I’ll try to link a couple of resources in the show notes for how you can give and donate as well. I just want to say a big, thank you to all military spouses who are pitching in. And it’s amazing what this military spouse community is capable of. And I want to at last leave you with this thought, I think about how hard it is to be in a place to live in a country where you feel like you have no hope for a better tomorrow.

[00:17:56] And if anything, we want to give. I started thinking about the statue of Liberty and what we as Americans hopefully will always stand for. And that is to be a beacon of hope and love and concern for those around you. So I want to read to you. The sonnet that Emma Lazarus wrote, it’s called the new Colossus.

[00:18:26] And she wrote this as a fundraiser to raise money for the pedestal on which the statue of Liberty sits. And this is probably what we most commonly associate when we hear the statue of liberty. Here’s this on it, not like the brass and giant of Greek fame with conquering limbs, a stride from land to land here at our sea washed sunset gage shall stand a mighty woman with a torch whose flame is the imprisoned lightning and her name.

[00:19:02] Mother of. From her beacon hand, glows worldwide. Welcome her mild eyes. Command the air bridge Harbor that twin cities frame. Keep ancient lands your storied Pompe Christ. She was silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuge of your teeming shore. Send these the homeless. Tempest tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

We are the land of the free because of the brave. And it’s not just about our freedom, but using our freedom to offer freedom and hope and love to those around us. And I truly believe that the best thing that we can do moving forward.

[00:20:02] Is to continue to use what we’ve been given to serve those around us, to use our unique gifts, to make a difference in the lives of others. This morning, I read this post on the real Housewives, a fighter pilots IG page, and it says it so perfectly. One of the surface service members who was recently in COVID.

[00:20:30] If you want to show your appreciation to the folks that served and especially the 13 that gave the ultimate sacrifice, don’t do it with words, do it with action. Show these people that left their home with nothing but the clothes on their back, what it means to be an American, treat them with dignity and respect.

[00:20:57] Love. All of us gave some and some gave all so that they could be welcomed into our wonderful free country. If you really want to honor that sacrifice, do it by loving these people as your new neighbors.

So as we wrap up today’s episode, here’s my call to action. Take time to reflect on what it is that you’re feeling.

[00:21:28] Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it, and then choose a productive response. Maybe it’s praying for our service members for the Afghans, for everyone who is involved in the fight for freedom show up and choose to serve. Your fellow, man. I hope through my processing and talking about what’s going on right now. It’s blessed you in some way and helped you think through some of your feelings until next week. May you choose to live filled, fueled and full of joy.