[00:00:00] Christine: Hi friends. Welcome back to the milspouse mastermind show. If you are new, welcome. I’m so glad that you’re here. This is a community for military spouses, where we get real about the struggles that come with military life. Now I call this the personal development podcast for military spouses, because it’s more than a place to commiserate about the obstacles that stand in our way.

[00:00:25] It’s a place to become empowered. To thrive despite obstacles, to get unstuck and to craft lives with purpose. Each week we have conversations about building resilience, finding purpose, and how to sustainably pursue your dreams as a military spouse, without burnout, exhaustion, and overwhelm. And one of the things I love most about.

[00:00:52] The show in this community is having a pulse on what it is you have questions about and are struggling with so that we can make sure we are providing resources and talking about the issues that matter to you so that you can. Thrive. And one of the things I’ve been hearing a lot about lately is this sense of loneliness and the struggle to find your village, your tribe, wherever you are, especially.

[00:01:24] Um, with COVID, if you’ve moved, since COVID started, there’s been a lot less gatherings in person, a lot more just remote, uh, online connections, which are not quite the same. And so many of us are craving real connection, but we struggle to find it. So today, that’s what we’re gonna talk about. The challenge of finding community and building connections.

[00:01:51] So what do you say let’s dive into the show.

[00:02:47] Now I wanna try to make this short and sweet today because I know it’s summertime. So many of you have kids home you’re out of your regular. Year-long rhythms and routines. You may not have that time in the school pickup line or dropping kids off, not the same amount of time in the car, but I want to make sure that you are still getting this content in your earbuds every week and that I’m being mindful of the time that you have.

[00:03:13] But since we’re talking about connection today, I want to make sure that you know, that we have a free online community for military spouses. It’s meant to be a place for you to be honest about what you’re walking through, to share experiences, resources, and to find encouragement and support each other on this journey that we’re all on.

[00:03:34] It’s a place where we can find like-minded spouses. Who want to thrive, who want to live with purpose as we walk this crazy life, um, I live, I love to drop resources to help you. And, and we talk about takeaways from each episode right now, we’re going through our 30 day clarity challenge together in each morning.

[00:03:55] I drop in a self discovery question designed to give you food for thought to help you get in touch with yourself, with your identity, who you are, who you wanna be, what you really. In life, because it’s so vital that we get clear on these things. Otherwise we will end up living a life. We don’t really love.

[00:04:16] If you are not in the group, we would love to have you just head over to milspouse mastermind.com/community, or do a search inside your Facebook feed. I simultaneously love and hate social media. It’s such a double edge sword. I love it because it makes connection possible. We can build these relationships online.

[00:04:41] We can have connection in a way that allows us to stay in touch. With friends from so many different duty stations. Um, and I love the connectivity that it provides, but at the same time, it can sometimes give us this false sense of connectivity, where we stay in touch just enough to see others highlight reels and to feel like we’re missing out on true connection on in friendship.

[00:05:10] We somehow have this sense that everybody has this except for us. And it makes. Feel like we are lacking in some way or that everyone else is out there with friends having fun and it can make us feel even more isolated. And the more isolation that we feel, the more time we spend online, because it’s giving us this false sense of we’re with other people and it’s continuing this vicious cycle.

[00:05:38] So really I wanna hone in on physical connection today, because I think there is so much value in finding community and connection right where you are, but it’s really hard. Now, if you go back to episode 85, My conversation with John Spencer, we talked about connectivity and how there is value in online connectivity, but there is also so much value in being physically present with people and having that physical connection that.

[00:06:15] Community with people that we can be face to face with. And so while we understand that there is so much value in having physical connection and relationships with people where we are stationed, this is the piece that I think so many of us. Really struggle with, and I kind of find it funny that I’m having this conversation with you right now, because I am walking through this exact same thing right now.

[00:06:42] And so I’m not approaching this conversation from I’m the expert. I have this all figured out. I have this amazing local community because. That’s not my story. I’m approaching this as somebody who just PCSed this summer, who is starting over trying to build relationships at our new duty station and knowing that it’s hard.

[00:07:03] I love where we live, but it’s a very big base and it takes time and intentionality to build those connections, especially when you’re in a place that’s near a major city because people, uh, tend to be. Spread all over. Versus if you are stationed at a very small base, it can be isolating because there’s not a whole lot near you, but people at the base tend to have much more tight knit community and connections.

[00:07:33] That has been the case in most of the places that we have lived, the smaller, the base and the more isolated the base is from a big city. The better relationships I have. Other military spouses. And the more that we’re near a major city, the bigger the bases, the harder it is to build those relationships where you’re stationed.

[00:07:57] And when you are trying to get settled in your new location, you’re trying to get moved in, get everything unpacked. You’re trying to fill out the mountains of paperwork that come with moving to a. Location. If you have kids getting them registered for school and trying to take out time to build those relationships and pursue your purpose and get settled.

[00:08:20] It’s a lot. I know so many of us are struggling with this, so I want to help us get there because I know that we are better together. We are hardwired for connection and community as human beings. So this episode is as much for me as it is for you right now. And just know that we are all on this journey together.

5 Tips to Build Connection and Community as a Military Spouse

1. Take the Risk

[00:08:46] So what I wanna do today is quickly give you five things you can do to start building connection and community, right where you are today. Number one. Take the risk, be the one to take the initiative, to reach out to others. It’s really a mindset shift. When we think we go from thinking everybody else knows each other.

[00:09:12] They’re all friends. I’m the new person. I don’t know anybody. Uh, people are too busy for me. Understand that everyone that lives in today’s world is probably busy and overwhelmed when our kids are involved in activities. When we’re trying to do all these things, people feel busy and overwhelmed. We live in a culture that prizes hustle, and it’s easy for people to get.

[00:09:41] Busy and overwhelmed. And we have this thought in our head that says others are not reaching out to me. They should be taking the initiative. I’m the new person. Right. And I think sometimes we get this also idea that they’re too busy for me. They don’t want to be my friend, but it’s really about reframing that thought and understanding that others.

[00:10:05] Yes, they may be busy, but they also may be scared to talk to you. So it’s not just, they should be the one reaching out, but that we have to take the initiative and understand that people aren’t, they don’t not wanna be our friend and they’re not necessarily too busy for us. They’re just focused on their thing and they may be scared to reach out and talk to you.

2. Create Margin For Relationship Building

[00:10:32] So be the one to take the risk, to take the initiative, to reach out number two, create margin in your schedule. This is especially true. If you work from home, you move and you don’t have a job that you are going to, so you’re not building relationships with your coworkers. If you are working. From home and you’re trying to juggle kids and getting your work done.

[00:10:58] It can be really hard to carve out time to meet new people, but it only happens when you are intentional about it and that you understand that it’s important to your wellbeing. We talk about our buckets of balance and it’s really the caring for ourself. The cultivating relationships. And the pursuing purpose that lead us to a balanced life, a life that feels fulfilled.

[00:11:26] Um, and we are, when we’re missing that relationship component, life is going to feel out of balance. We’re going to feel discontent with the way that life looks. We need. Relationships in our life. And so we have to be intentional and create margin to build those relationships because it’s vital to our health and wellbeing and our ability to live as whole and healthy human beings.

3. Assume the Burden

[00:11:54] The third thing we can do is assume the burden. Now, what do I mean by this? Think about what you want in a good friend. What qualities do you want in a friend? How do you want someone to reach out to you and then ask yourself, am I doing that for others? Am I helping them? Feel seen and known am I expecting others to be a friend to me?

[00:12:26] Or can I show up as the friend that I want in my life? So not only are we taking the initiative to reach out, we’re assuming the burden of friendship, we’re thinking about what we want in a friend. And then we make sure that that is how we are acting with those in our life. We are taking responsibility for the way that we show.

4. Get Uncomfortable

[00:12:52] The fourth thing we can do is make ourselves get uncomfortable. Now, if you’re an extrovert, this may not be a problem for you, but if you are not an extrovert, this might be something that you need to hear. Now I’m an Amber vert, which means I love spending time with people, but I really don’t like small talk.

[00:13:13] And I don’t like being in situations where. No, no one, I don’t like that initial meeting. Um, but this is part of developing relationships and being good friend. And part of being able to develop friendships and relationships is putting yourself in places where you might be uncomfortable or where you don’t know anyone.

[00:13:36] You have to make yourself get. And meet people. It’s, you know, when we were kids in school, everybody was there in school and it was easy to make friends because you’re all there for a reason. But when you’re trying to build relationships as an adult, it’s much more challenging. Here’s the truth for all of us.

[00:13:56] We had C, it happened, we all got used to staying at home. We need to consider the law of inertia objects at rest, tend to remain at rest unless they are forced into motion. What in the world does that have to do with friendship? When we are used to staying home, it’s easy to stay at home and we have to get in the habit of going out, um, and doing things that allow us to spend time with other people.

[00:14:29] I can’t tell you how many times. I’m in my comfies at home, curled up on the couch with a warm blanket. And I know that there’s an event going on and I’m like, well, I could get up, get dressed, go to that event. Or I could stay where I’m comfortable on my couch and not get out of my sweatpants. And so I have to force myself to get out of what I’m doing, where I’m comfortable and go meet, meet new people, or go hang out or go do the thing.

[00:15:00] And most of the time when I actually make myself get up and go do the thing, I really enjoy it. It was meaningful to me. And I’m glad I got to spend time with people and cultivate those relationships. But it’s easy for. To stay in our comfort zone to stay where we are. And we have to force ourself to get uncomfortable, to go to the event, even if it means getting dressed up and getting out of the house.

[00:15:25] So my challenge to you is can you. Commit to doing something outside your comfort zone, at least once a month, make yourself get out of the house, go meet people at least once a month, which brings me to my fifth tip.

5. Practice

And that is for us to practice. The way we build relationships and become better at building them the way we cultivate community and connection is by doing it.

[00:15:54] So think about what that looks like for you and for your life today. What kind of club or activity can you choose to participate in? What kind of functions can you go? Practice starting conversations with new people. The more that we practice, the more that we commit to being in an organization or going to a place on a regular basis, the more that we’re going to be able to do that.

[00:16:26] And that can be anything you can join a spouse club, you can join a volunteer organization. You can go find a book club to be a part of you can. Find a cause you care about you can join the PTA. I don’t care what it is, but find at least something, a club or a group activity and sign up for that, participate in it, go to that thing.

[00:16:51] Even if you feel. Alone. If it makes you uncomfortable, that’s how we begin to get out of our comfort zone, how we get out of our isolation and start to build relationships. And the great thing about some kind of group activity is that you’re working on a project together. So there gives you something natural.

[00:17:15] To talk about. Um, but I would say you have to commit to doing something that gets you out of where you are today. Now, I, I want to be mindful of your time, but I want to give you a quick bonus tip. I was gonna go for five, but then I was like, really, there’s a mindset component that we can think about this.

6. Take Advantage of Solo Time

[00:17:36] And it’s when you are in that place where you do not yet know people and where you are feeling alone. The best thing that you can do is not focus on what you don’t have, but focus on who you want to be. Don’t focus on your loneliness. Focus on your purpose. Take advantage of the time you do have alone.

[00:18:04] How can you make the most of that time? I used to hate being alone and I would do everything in my power to constantly be finding people that I could go hang out with. But part of this is becoming a parent and having kids that need you all the time, but I have really come to value my alone time and. I value it because it’s this opportunity for me to unpack what’s going on and to get more clear on who I am and what’s holding me back and who I wanna be and what my next steps need to be.

[00:18:39] The noisier my life is the less time I have for that reflection and the more chaotic my life feels. And so that quiet alone time can help us in our personal growth and in pursuing our purpose. So focus not on the fact of your, that you’re lonely or what you don’t have, but focus on what you do have and how you can make the most of the time you do have how you can pursue your purpose, how you can use that.

[00:19:09] To reflect on who you are and where you wanna go. So let’s quickly recap how we can begin cultivating connection in a lonely world. The first thing we can do is be the one to take the risk, to take the initiative, to not assume that people don’t wanna be our friends, but to reach out to others. Number two, create margin in our schedule.

[00:19:33] If we don’t make time, it’s not going to happen. Number three, assume the burden. Be the friend that you want in your life. Number four, make yourself get uncomfortable. Get yourself off the couch. Get yourself out the door. Go spend time with people and number five, get involved and practice. And don’t forget the bonus tip.

[00:19:57] Make sure that you are making the most of the time that you do have not focusing on what you don’t have. But on your purpose and who you want to be. I hope that you have an amazing week. Living filled, fueled, and full of joy.