Welcome back to the show today, we’re diving into the topic of overcoming overwhelm in our lives and how we create margin for what matters. I get it. It’s so easy for our schedules to get filled up and to feel like we don’t have room for the things that really light us up inside and help us make a difference in the world.

[00:00:22] So how do we rethink our schedule, our days, our weeks, our months. How do we avoid feeling like our schedules own us? How do we make decisions that lead us to a life of intentionality?

Overcoming Overwhelm

I wanted to dive into the topic of overcoming overwhelm because so many of us are feeling stretched too thin right now. I was reflecting on the fact that we’ve been in the pandemic for an entire year now and prior to the pandemic, many of us felt overwhelmed with deployments and moves and TDYs and trying to help our kids learn to thrive in different environments. And then you throw a pandemic on top of there, and we’re trying to figure out what this looks like.

[00:02:08] Our sense of normalcy has been undone. We’re trying to virtual school our children, and deal with everything else. And the emotional and mental toll on our society in general has been huge. Many of us have not had the time to stop and reflect on all that we’ve been through and what it’s cost us.

[00:02:32] We are so ready for a return to a sense of normalcy. But I think that challenge comes into this desire that we have to return to what feels comfortable to us, what we’re familiar with. If we were feeling overwhelmed before, simply returning to what we were doing before, isn’t going to lead us to the life we actually want.

[00:02:57] We ultimately want to live a life that allows us to maintain healthy rhythms, to make an impact and to prioritize the things that matter to us. Now, I want to acknowledge that I realize we are not all in the same place in this desire to return to normal because, for some of us, the end of the pandemic is somewhat in sight.

[00:03:22] Things are starting to open up again. There are more opportunities available to us. For others of us, the end of the pandemic still feels a long way off. We might be having to maintain our current rhythms for the foreseeable future. And when we start to talk about coming out, that feels like something we can’t relate to, but I think it’s important to say.

[00:03:47] Having these conversations now, and to start engaging in this process of what we want our lives and our schedules to look like, because we have an opportunity now to create a life we want. Before we jump back into all of the opportunities available to us, let’s take some time to reflect on if this is really what we want, or if we want to make some shifts in our schedule.

Deployment Reintegration

I kind of relate this to preparing for the end of a deployment. Now, it’s not exactly the same because there is a finite line separating deployment and after deployment. And I think the shift to post pandemic life is going to be a much more gradual one. But the idea of the homecoming from a deployment is that before it happens, you can begin planning for what will life will look like after the deployment is over.

[00:04:45] If you’ve ever been through a deployment, you know this is true, but the last few weeks of the deployment are often the hardest of the whole deployment because you know the end is coming, but it’s not here yet. And sometimes it’s really hard to be patient in that season, but then you have the homecoming and it’s wonderful. 

[00:05:09] I honestly still get teary-eyed when I see videos and pictures of people being reunited with their families. But then we don’t talk as much about the reintegration process. After the deployment you’re so excited to be back together, to be reunited, but you’re also dealing with jet lag and with major topics of communication that you avoided while the other person was deployed. You’ve each grown as individuals, but not together.

[00:05:43] There’s a definite process that comes as you learn how to do life together again. And I think we’re going to have a reintegration process as we move out of this pandemic lifestyle to what we want that new normal to be. And there are going to be bumps along the road. It’s going to take some time, but I think we can start preparing for that now and really looking at what we want life to look like.

[00:06:13] Do we want to be as involved as we were before? Do we want our schedules to be as full as they were before? Do we want to feel pulled in as many directions as we were before? Or do we want to create more margin in our lives? I think this is something so valuable for all of us.

This is something that I struggle with. Every time I moved to a new duty station, I have this desire to get plugged into, find my tribe, to dive into all the things and make it feel like home. And so I over-commit. I try to do all of this. It’s usually a year into whatever the assignment is. And I realized that I am over-committed. I need to pull back. I have to readjust and rebalance. And then I do the same thing the next time we move.

Obviously, that didn’t happen this time because we moved in the middle of the pandemic, and there was literally nothing do. It was very challenging to meet anyone. Now that things are starting to open up again, I have the problem. What do I want to commit to?

Learning to Live With Margin

[00:07:23] How do I get plugged in and build relationships without becoming overwhelmed by my schedule and our life? Here are five practical steps we can take to live with the margin that allows us to prioritize what matters to us and impact the world for good.

1. Find Time for Quiet Reflection

When we simply exist through life and move from activity to activity, we never give our brains space to breathe. This can actually be the single most valuable productivity tool there is. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I actually tried it this weekend and experienced so much success.

I was feeling overwhelmed by how many projects there were to do in the house and how little time I had to get them done. Everything seemed to be taking longer than I wanted it to. And I reached this point where I had a window of time when all of the kids were out of the house and I could either deep clean house or I could go sit at the beach for an hour. I went back and forth because I work from home and sometimes it’s just really hard to concentrate and not be distracted by the projects that need to get done, to keep up with the house. It’s just this mental thing that is always pulling up the back of my brain,

But I just had to stop and say, “Which thing is going to bring me the most life right now? Is it getting a clean house or is it going to the beach for an hour and just being in nature?” I ultimately made the decision to go sit at the beach, even though my house desperately needed attention. But I think that was the absolute best choice that I could have made.

[00:09:11] I didn’t bring anything to the beach that I needed to get done. I just took that hour to sit and reflect. That was on Friday. Saturday and Sunday I had the most productive weekend that I’ve had in a long time.

The noisier things get in our life, the more quiet space for rest, reflection and focus is needed.

[00:09:33] I often find myself craving this time. And with young kids at home, it can be difficult for this to come by. This is why it’s so important to communicate with your spouse, if they’re around, or find someone that can give you that space that you need. It might be waking up early before your kids are awake, or if you’re a night person taking that time one night of the week to reflect. Or if you can work out a deal with your spouse on the weekend, whatever you can do to. Finding that quiet time for reflection is so important.

Another component of this quiet reflection time is journaling. Now this is something that I have worked on a lot, and I’m constantly trying to figure out what works for me. I said a few episodes ago that what I’m currently doing is just trying to make sure that I’m putting a couple of sentences down in my journal every day.

[00:10:28] But just taking that time to check in with yourself and say, “Hey, what’s on my heart on my mind right now? How am I feeling? What is causing these feelings? And do I need to do anything about these feelings or just acknowledge that they exist?”

2. Pursue Clarity of Purpose

The second thing we can do to help avoid a life of overwhelm is pursue clarity of purpose. We want to ensure that we pour our time and our energy into things that matter to us. And in order for us to know what to say yes and no to in our calendar, we have to pursue clarity of purpose. We have to know what we value and what we want to prioritize. When there is a high level of clarity, people thrive.

[00:11:11] When we understand what we care about, what lights us on fire and what brings life to ourselves, our families, and to others, we can prioritize those things. Conversely, when we lack that clarity about what’s important, it’s easy to spend our time on things that don’t really matter. And what’s more, we never show up as the person we were created to be, we never fully use our gifts to contribute to the world around us.

[00:11:37] You have something valuable to offer the world. Some people refer to this as purpose or your life’s calling or your highest contribution. And yet, so many of us settle for simply making it through each day, each week, each month, each year. Rather than using the time that we have, to do the things that matter.

[00:11:59] And that make a difference, in my experience. Clarity is one of those things that comes over time. It doesn’t happen in a single instance. It’s not just waking up, knowing what you’re supposed to do. It takes time. You can use that time of quiet reflection to really start to evaluate what matters to you.

[00:12:19] If you have not started pursuing this clarity, I want to be able to support you in that. I’m working on putting together a clarity guide for you, but until that’s ready, I want you to start with just a few questions.

• What do you value?
• What are you passionate about?
• Are there things that light you up?
• What skills and talents do you have?
• If there was one problem that you could help solve, what would it be?
• If failure was not an option, what would you do?

Take some time to think about these questions. Write down your thoughts. Journal about them and feel free to share what you come up with, either in the Facebook group, or you can send me a DM on Instagram because I want to know what’s on your heart, what’s on your mind.

[00:13:15] What’s lighting you up and how can you use what you have? To really hone in on what those things that matter to you and to your family and that you can use to make a difference in the world. The third thing that will help us avoid overwhelm is prioritizing what matters to you and your family.

3. Prioritize What Matters Most As a Family

[00:13:37] Now that you’ve taken time to figure out what it is that lights you up and what you love to do. Now, we need to pair that with what’s best for the family unit. So the question we’re answering is not how we can do it all. But who gets to choose what we do and don’t do. There’s always going to be opportunities for your family to get involved, whether that’s volunteer opportunities, or supporting your kid’s school, or your kids being involved in activities, or requirements that your spouse has for what they’re involved in.

[00:14:12] It’s all too easy for us to go through the motions of the day, without stopping to consider what choices we are consciously making and what choices are being made for us. It’s not that any one thing is better than another, but it’s about really having those conversations with your family about what things matter to you as a family. And what things are going to be your “yeses” and y our “nos.”

We know that there is a finite amount of time in the day. And we want to live with more intentionality and less overwhelmed in our lives. So you may prioritize a specific volunteer opportunity, or your kid may be really interested in one sport, but you tell them, Hey, you can’t do this other activity.

[00:15:00] It may be that you value time as a family unit. Have those conversations with your family about what you want, and then stick to that.

4. Practice Saying No

This leads me to the fourth point, which is we have to practice saying no. We want to say yes to all the things, but I’m slowly learning the value of setting boundaries and evaluating opportunities based on a more realistic picture of my life.

This isn’t always easy to do. My personal tendency is to want to be involved in all of the exciting projects. I distinctly remember hearing about this project that I desperately wanted to be a part of. It checked the boxes of all the things that I loved being a part of: a startup, focused on military spouses, and giving back to the community.

[00:15:51] I knew that my marketing background could help get the project off the ground. And yet I knew that the season that I was in my husband was in a job where he was rarely home. I was already struggling to keep up with my job and house, three young kids, and all of my other commitments and responsibilities.

[00:16:11] I had to accept the reality that I did not have the margin to say yes to one more thing. I had to pass on that opportunity. In that instance, I said no, because I already knew I was maxed out. But the goal is to learn to say no while we still have margin in our life. And that can be harder to explain to someone. Not everybody is going to understand our no. Saying no isn’t easy.

[00:16:39] It takes courage and a willingness to not give the popular response. You won’t be able to be a people pleaser. But those healthy boundaries, when we practice enforcing them, in the end will garner respect from others.

5. Create Space for Healthy Rhythms

And finally, the best thing that has worked for me to overcome overwhelm and help me establish healthy boundaries and build a life that revolves around the things that matter, is calendar space for healthy rhythms in my life. What do I mean by this?

A few episodes ago, I talked about our growth wheel and evaluating all areas of our life to see where we’re healthy and where we have room to grow. Based on that wheel, I created specific rhythms and activities that help me grow in those areas.

[00:17:35] For example, one of the areas I struggled with a lot was creating space for rest and play. The first time I heard somebody say you need time to play, I kind of laughed. I thought to myself, Who has time to play? I am a mom of three. And an activity done for joy or for their pleasure is the first thing to go for my schedule.

[00:18:01] But last year, when I started looking into this idea of healthy rhythms, I found numerous studies that show that engaging in play has a positive effect on the executive function of our brain. It can improve our personal health and our relationship. In addition, it makes us more inquisitive, more tuned to novelty and more engaged in the world.

[00:18:26] There’s something about turning off our to-do list and using a creative side of our brain that helps us relax. Actually, I got this idea from Chelsi Jo, who has a podcast called Systemize your Life. And it’s this idea of what she calls “the great eight.” Picking rhythms that, you know, need to be a part of your life and happen on a weekly basis, and then creating space for them on your calendar.

[00:18:55] So I started doing that this year: Sketching out things that bring me life and putting them as blocks on the calendar. So often our calendars get filled up with events and activities, and then we just use whatever space is left. We start with the rhythms of health that I want in my life, that I want to occur on a weekly or a monthly basis. And then we put them on the calendar like any other commitment and stick to them.

Now, there are always times where this gets thrown off, but by creating those spaces of rest for myself and penciling them in on the calendar, I am finding that it is helping me walk in these rhythms and create the life that I like so much more.

[00:19:47] So as we move forward into this season of slowly opening up again, of having more opportunities on our calendar, if you long to choose a life of less overwhelm and more margin, to create a life of impact, these five things will help get you there: Create quiet spaces for reflection. Pursue clarity of purpose. Prioritize what matters to you and your family. Practice saying no. And create calendar space for healthy rhythms.

Thank you so much for joining me on the show today. I am so excited to hear what your big takeaways from today’s episode are. Head over to our Facebook. The middle spouse mastermind community.

[00:20:42] You can find it on our website, milspousemastermind.com/community, or by typing it in the search bar on Facebook. I also want to remind you that the growth wheel assessment is available on our website and I’ll link it below in the show notes. This is a way to look at every area of your life in order to determine which areas of your life are really healthy and which areas need improvement.

We have to take an honest look at where we’re at. The growth wheel assessment is going to help you do that. So we know what areas you need to focus on to help you get where you want to go and who you want to be. My prayer for you today is that you really embrace and believe that you have something inside of you that the world needs, and you can step into your story without sacrificing your family and the things that matter most to you. May you live today and every day filled, fueled, and full of joy.