[00:00:00] Christine: When life gets hard, do you find yourself struggling to ask for help? Maybe it’s because you don’t want to burden others, or maybe you believe that others won’t care or won’t want to help. Maybe you’ve placed so many expectations on yourself that you don’t even want to admit it to yourself that you’re struggling.

[00:00:22] But if we’re going to thrive as military spouses, then we have to be honest about our struggles, both with ourselves and with others around. This week, I’m talking with military spouse and therapist, Anna Luiken about mental health, vulnerability, and why we struggle to be honest about our challenges as military spouses.

[00:00:46] We get into what lies we believe, the expectations we have for ourselves and others and what we can do to be truly known, loved and understood. Make sure if you’re not driving, you grab a pen and paper to take some notes, because there is so much goodness packed into this conversation. So what do you say? Let’s dive into the show.

[00:02:00] Now, before we get into this conversation, I want to let you know that we are getting so close to celebrating a hundred episodes of the milspouse mastermind show. I’m so excited to reach this milestone with you. And as we approach this milestone, I do have one favorite to ask. Would you consider leaving a review of the show on apple iTunes?

[00:02:24] This is truly how we get found in the algorithm, how it gets shown to more military spouses so that they can know that it is truly possible to get unstuck and craft a life with purpose. You can impact the life of someone else by sharing the show with. And by leaving us a review. So thank you. Thank you to everyone who has shared, who has left us a review and to everyone, who’s going to pause this episode right now to go leave us a review.

[00:02:56] I also wanna let you know that I am starting something. Completely brand new this month, I’m going to start offering mindset mentorship calls. Now, what is this? These are one-hour calls where we sit down together and identify your mindset blockers and create some rewiring so that you can actually get unstuck because here’s the thing for.

[00:03:21] You are more than a milspouse, but your thoughts are keeping you stuck. They’re keeping you from being productive from creating the life you want. They’re keeping you in that negative thought loop. You’re playing these thoughts on repeat in your head and they are not serving you. But the good news is that we can actually rewire your brain and get you unstuck so that you can take action and create a life with purpose.

[00:03:51] Now, if you were on the fence about this, I would love to do just a free 15-minute mindset audit with you, and you can see if we’d be a good fit to work. We’ll talk about where your mindset’s gone and then if you want to work together, that’s awesome. And if not, no pressure at all. I just want to make sure that I am serving you to the best of my abilities.

[00:04:15] I’m gonna continue to show up every single week, bring you content on the podcast, that to help you navigate this military life and create a life you love. But I want you to know that that is now available to you. Just go to milspouse mastermind.com/mindset, and that there you’ll find out how to get started today.

[00:04:39] All right. Let’s dive into my conversation with Anna Luiken. Well, welcome back to the show. I’m here with Anna Luiken. She is a military spouse. A writer, a counselor, and she’s here to talk to us today about vulnerability as military spouses. So Anna, would you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about your story and what led you to what you do today?

[00:05:06] Anna: Of course. Yeah, I’m Anna. Um, I grew up in Texas. I live in Alaska. Um, I went to school at Texas a and M. Um, and then when I moved up here to Alaska, I, um, worked as a social worker for a little while. Then I taught middle school. Um, and then I got my counseling degree and now I work, um, at a residential treatment center with.

[00:05:30] Kids and teens in their families. So I do individual family group therapy. and I guess the biggest part of my story that I wanna share is, um, that I’m also a military spouse and that has been a significant part of my life. Just learning how to love my husband well and love my family. Well, um, love myself well while encountering the challenges of military life, but also the, you know, the beautiful things about it.

[00:05:55] And, uh, I wrote a book recently called the first deployment. It launched on July th. And I really feel like I just kind of poured my heart out into the book and, and really hope that it’s a resource that military spouses can use. And I talked a lot about, um, just different challenges I’ve had with, um, mental health and miscarriage and birth with my husband gone, but also just learning a lot about myself and how to communicate my needs and how to give and accept.

[00:06:29] and really who I am in that process. I think deployment really shaped and changed me a lot. So I’m thankful for it. It was hard, but you know, I think that’s the biggest piece I wanna share is just to encourage military spouses today and to I’m a counselor. So I have that piece, but also just, you know, I’ve been through hard things myself and sharing those things and, and hoping that they help other people as well.

[00:06:52] Christine: Well, first off, I wanna say congratulations on writing that book and getting it out into the world. That’s such a huge accomplishment and I’m so excited and proud every time I hear it, military spouse take that idea in their heads and bring it into reality. So that is awesome. I. I’m very curious. So you’re from Texas.

[00:07:16] How did you end up in Alaska? And, and what’s your kind of military spouse story?

[00:07:23] Anna: Yeah, that’s a great question. Yeah. So I grew up in Texas and my, uh, my husband and I, when we were kind of just like pondering and figuring out, like, what do we wanna do when we were engaged? Um, his family actually lives here.

[00:07:36] His dad retired from the air force here. So he had a little bit of that kind of, um, catch, like he did some Alaskan summers here and living here and just that feel of the beautiful. Creation here and mountains. And so when we were engaged, it was kind of like, okay, It would be so fun to do an adventure.

[00:07:55] And, you know, it took us a while to make that decision, but we really felt like both of us felt, God, God was calling us to come here and try something new and, and, and do this adventure. And we’re so glad we did. It’s crazy. It’ll be 11 years in November that we’ve lived here. Um, but yeah, so we, we moved here after we got married and, um, my husband worked like a civilian job.

[00:08:17] For a few years, but then he joined the army guard. The army guard spouse life is very different than I know like many other military spouse types of lifestyles. And, and I am really I’m. So for military spouses to just believe that like there’s no one military experience, like there’s just so many types and they can, they can all be hard and they can all be lonely, but they can also all have their, their different, like.

[00:08:45] There are different perks. And you know, one of the perks is that we have been able to stay here for an extended time and, and settle in some ways, you know, uh, my husband is still gone quite a bit. He does trainings quite often, you know, work, uh, work trainings as well as deployment. Um, so, you know, I think it is hard as an army guard spouse, cuz it’s very different than kind of the other types of, and my husband is full-time active duty army guard.

[00:09:10] So that’s very specific as well as a, and he did for a while do like civilian job as well as doing like part-time army guard, which you can do. So. You know, our story is really unique, but I I’m so passionate about sharing it. And just being able to say, Hey, like whatever your military spouse story, you know, whatever, it looks like it it’s, um, just know that there’s so many people out there that are going through the same thing and, and care about you a lot.

[00:09:36] So, yeah, that’s kind of been our story with, with, with my husband and his job and I’m, and I’m happy to, to share more or answer any questions about that. Um, You know, the army guard, you know, lifestyle so,

[00:09:50] Christine: well, I think it’s really nice just to hear different people’s stories and lifestyles. I talk a lot about moving because we move roughly every two years, but to hear a different perspective, a different lifestyle, but it’s still part.

[00:10:05] Of military life and there’s the ups and downs of each different choice, depending on which route you go. So I really appreciate you sharing it and giving that kind of different perspective of, Hey, we’re able to stay in one spot for a long time, but there’s some different blessings that come with that and different challenges that come with being in one place for that long and, but still being a part of military life and not just a civilian.

[00:10:33] So you’re still dealing with deployments and TDWise and all of that fun stuff.

[00:10:38] Anna: Yes. And, and I’m, I really, you know, I think it can be lonely as an army guard spouse, just because it’s a little bit misunderstood and it’s, you know, there, there can be like somewhat more support for like active duty, you know, where even in Alaska, like I know that my husband had some, some families that, you know, where their husbands were on deployment and they’re, they’re kind of like all over Alaska remote areas and.

[00:11:02] The, you know, the husband’s gone, but maybe they don’t live near base or they, you know, they don’t live like super close to resources. And so, you know, I’m, I think that that’s a, an awareness thing as well, is just understanding that there’s so many different types of military families out there and, and, and I’m passionate about helping in encouraging all of them, you know?

[00:11:21] So they’re, you know, not obviously not comparing any type or just knowing that, like they, they’re all hard and they can all have really good things, too, you know?

[00:11:32] Christine: So talk about what led you to write this book. I know you said deployment, you know, had a huge impact on your life and, and talk about this process of what you experienced and, and what led you to write that book.

[00:11:47] Anna: Yeah. Thank you for that question. Um, I think for me, deployment was so impactful because it just stretched me in every way possible. It was just, um, and. To be like a little more specific about my deployment experience. I was, um, like eight months pregnant when he first deployed. And so then, you know, that first month in, it’s like dealing with that last month of pregnancy and then I did give birth while he was gone.

[00:12:19] Um, and then, you know, the whole like newborn and first his, his deployment was very long. It. Nine months, but then there was trainings on either side and then there was COVID so there was quarantining. And so it ended up being about 11 months in total, you know, almost a full year that he was gone from our family.

[00:12:39] So it just really stretched me. Emotionally physically, mentally. And I think it’s just one of those things where even if you, there’s so many things you can believe about yourself, like, oh, I’m strong. I can get through anything like, you know, and those things are true. But I think when you encounter challenges, you just really are pushed to your, you know, your limit and you learn a lot about yourself.

[00:13:03] And so I think what drew me to write the book was that I struggled and I, I struggled during deployment. I really, I guess it surprised me that I struggled, which is not a very humble thing to say, but, um, I think that it was like, whoa, this is way harder than I thought. You know, there was just a lot of learning about myself and, and growing and, and I think a lot of that took place definitely during deployment where.

[00:13:32] Maybe I, I had to learn like, oh, that’s, I’m making choices that are like, not as healthy for me. And a lot of the learning took place. I think, after deployment where it was kind of like, okay, I’m out of survival mode, let’s look back on this year. What happened to me? You know? And, and I think during that year is when I decided to write the book and just kind of begin to ask questions of military spouses to say, how did you handle your first deployment?

[00:13:58] Like, what would you recommend? You know, um, And to kind of, I guess, get over my pride and just say, Hey, I could have handled that better. And you know, or, or, or just like, I could have handled it in a way that that was, um, you know, I, I could have maybe prepared more understood more or, and so I ended up reaching out to six different military spouses who come from different walks of life.

[00:14:23] So in my book, I interview two military spouse. Who are air force spouses who come from like 20, 25 plus years of like career military service. Um, I interviewed one friend who encountered, um, she, she did an appointment that was like where she was married with no children. And so kind of like that perspective of like, how can you stay engaged, um, like with your community, you know, if it’s just you and, um, and then I have another friend had like four children who are now like in middle school age.

[00:14:53] And so her husband’s. In the reserves now with air force. Um, so kind of her perspective and, um, and then a few others who are in the like infant little kid stage. So just like really different perspectives and just really asking them about what they would recommend for, for a first deployment, what was hard, you know, and how they could encourage, you know, other military spouses, but was also really vulnerable in my questions and in the things that were hard for.

[00:15:19] Well,

[00:15:20] Christine: thank you for sharing. I mean, that, that’s a lot to go through at one time, you know, just having that first baby and all of the hormones and just changes to life in general is a big adjustment. And when you’re trying to do all of that on your own, um, and navigate that and being your first deployment, I mean, that’s a lot of change.

[00:15:44] At the same time. So first of all, that’s just amazing to go through something like that all the same time. You know, I had the experience of, okay, I went through a deployment as a girlfriend, and then I went through the deployment as a wife with no kid. And then, you know, having that deployment after having the baby.

[00:16:03] That had additional challenges. So every single deployment is different based on the stage of life that you’re in. But I, I really appreciate that you shared just about the unexpectedness and going into this thinking I’ve got this and then realizing, Hey, this is more than I was expecting. So talk a little bit about what some of your.

[00:16:25] Expectations were what it was gonna be like or how you were gonna handle things. And then what were some of the biggest challenges you actually faced?

[00:16:34] Anna: Yeah. I just wanna make sure I understand your question one more time. Well, actually I was gonna just tell you, um, I did like the deployment I was telling you about.

[00:16:42] I actually had a two year old as well, so it was my second birth. Didn’t make it easier, but then it was like the toddler, the newborn, and, and all of them are hard, but. But I just wanted to make sure I said that in case I didn’t clarify it was my first birth, which would’ve been really hard. So wait, so you, so the question again, tell me one

[00:17:00] Christine: more time.

[00:17:00] Okay. So what were some of the expectations you had going into the deployment about how you were gonna navigate it? And then what were some of the biggest challenges that you faced and maybe what surprised you the most?

[00:17:14] Anna: Yeah, I think that, I guess I just, when I’ve, and that’s a good question for military spouses is really to.

[00:17:22] Ask the questions, like, how do you view yourself? What are, you know, what are you, what are some pieces that maybe you hold onto about yourself? Because I think that what I struggled with was, oh, I can definitely do this. And it, and I think it bothered me that deployment was hard for me a little bit, you know?

[00:17:38] Um, so I would say that was definitely an expectation. Like, I, I don’t know if I expected it to be easy, but I think that, I thought my response would be a little bit better than it was, um, And so I guess just like I would encourage a lot of military spouses not to be like, discouraged by like, it’s difficult, like no matter what you’ve been through.

[00:17:56] And, and really I’ve been through a lot of difficult things in my life. And I kind of viewed myself as like a mentally strong kind of person. . And so I think then when it was still hard, it’s like, gosh, well, like what am I doing wrong? Or like I’m failing or, you know, and, and I think that really digs into like the lies that we can believe about ourself.

[00:18:15] Like, no, that doesn’t mean that, that you’re doing something wrong. It doesn’t mean that like, you know, you’re, you’re, you’re failing. It’s like, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay. To just figure out the ways you need to be loved and, and figure out how you communicate. And so I think that certainly one of my expectations was.

[00:18:33] I’m eventually strong and I can handle this. And maybe I put on that facade a little bit, both maybe even for myself and for others. Like, I, I believed that I was. Could really do it and didn’t, you know, um, but then maybe just putting that on face on for others, you know? Um, I think that was an expectation that I had that, that made it difficult.

[00:18:53] Like, Hey, put that face away and just like, tell your friend, like, I’m really scared about my husband or I’m really scared about birth, or just be like, just say when it’s hard, you know, because it is. And, um, it’s okay to say it. You. So I think that was an expectation for sure. One, one of the biggest challenges.

[00:19:11] And I talk about this in my book, but I think one of my hard challenges was feeling like my kids were not getting the best they could have. Um, and that was a question that I asked, um, a lot of military spouses was, and really that I, that really kind of digged into a lot of. Dug into my fears was just kind of like, man, what if this really affects my kids?

[00:19:37] You know, like almost like it’s okay. If it affects me, like, I’ll handle it fine. But, and, but that’s not true either, obviously, cuz it’s okay for it to be hard for me. But it’s I word so much like about my kids, like, you know, I’ll be fine, but like my kids I’m so I just want, and if it’s just me, I can’t give enough.

[00:19:55] And that was something that I asked a lot of the spouses was just like, how do you handle that, that pressure or that weight, or like that feeling like you’re a single mom and you can’t do everything and what if they’re affected by that? And so I really feel like that was one of the questions that I really had to work on in myself, you know?

[00:20:16] Um, and, and. Knowing that, that God’s in control that God loves my kids better than I can. And you know, and that even when Tony’s home our parenting, Tony’s my husband. Um, he, our parenting isn’t gonna be perfect. You know, that was one of the encouragements that one of the spouses said was, Hey, having two parents home doesn’t mean that it’s like this perfect, beautiful thing either.

[00:20:36] Like, life is just. Just life is ups and downs and, and, and, and no single or two parents home is gonna make it be this perfect, beautiful thing. So just let you know, just let go and trust and take it day by day is kind of a lot of the encouragements that military spouses gave, you know, but yeah, say that was probably my biggest challenge.

[00:20:53] I mean, there’s a lot more that I could speak of like mental health and what I believe about myself. Mostly. That, that was a big

[00:21:00] Christine: one for me. I mean, I think it’s so interesting that so much of this comes back to the thoughts that we’re having the mindset that we have, what we believe about ourselves, the things that we’re afraid of, the fears that we’re feeling.

[00:21:14] So how much do you think. Of your experience was influenced by the fact that you’re like, Hey, I’m a counselor. Like I should be able to handle this because this is what I do for a living.

[00:21:27] Anna: Yes. A hundred percent. That was so hard. I think that, you know, and that goes back to like the facade of like, what am I putting on for people?

[00:21:35] And I definitely had these moments where it’s like, man, I’m the counselor. I should be helping people. You know, this is my job. Like my job is to help people professionally. So like if I’m struggling, then that’s really, you know, not good. And, and I think that that’s really a barrier, um, in the sense that one of my friends was like, if you’re a doctor and you have something wrong with your body, like you’re still gonna go to another doctor to get help.

[00:22:00] Like if you’re a counselor and you’re struggling, like you still need help. And you know, I think. especially in the military world. And, and I feel like it’s gotten so much better. Like people talk so much about mental health now, but I think that, you know, definitely in the military world and, and just in the wife, you know, the spouse world, it’s hard to be like, it seems like it’s like, it feels like weak or weakness to be like, I need help, you know, but it’s not, it’s, it’s like the most the, I like to tell my clients it’s the most courageous work you could do.

[00:22:28] You are being so brave when you do it because looking inside yourself, The hardest work ever, because it’s very easy to look outward but looking inward is, is a very difficult thing. And so I think that really just letting go of, you know, it doesn’t matter, you know, what your spouse’s rank is or what. How involved you are in military spouse world, or, you know, it doesn’t matter, you know, what your accomplishments are or, you know, it, it, it, it’s important to let it be okay to talk to someone, let it be okay to, to ask for help when you need it.

[00:23:06] And that was a big wake up call for me. And I really think that God has used that in my life, just because I think that. It’s like, Hey, even counselors need help. And I feel like that’s encouraging to people to, to kind of be like, okay, you know, everybody needs it. It’s not like just me. I’m the only one.

[00:23:23] And it’s like, it doesn’t matter anything like your profession, how many kids you have, don’t have kids, whatever. It’s just like, every, anybody could use it, you know? And it’s helpful and beneficial for everyone. So. Certainly that was a barrier for me that I’m glad I was able to overcome. And I definitely believe that counseling is helpful.

[00:23:41] Christine: Well, I think that’s so important because when we don’t have that perspective that we all need help. And we all go through these hard times, these difficult circumstances, and we think that there’s something wrong with us, that we are deficient in some way. And this is something that I have to teach. Over and over again all the time.

[00:24:03] It’s like, even though I’ve been through, I don’t even know how many PCSs thus far, like it is still hard and there are still days where I struggle and, and. So, whatever it is, we, we tend to think, oh, I should be this certain way. And because I’m not that way, we feel like there’s something wrong with us, but that’s part of the normal human experience.

[00:24:29] So I would love for you to just talk for a minute since you brought it up and just talk to military spouses who may be hesitant about going to counseling or wondering. If that is something that they would really benefit from, what would you say to them?

[00:24:48] Anna: Yeah, I think that, I, I think that I would just highly recommend counseling.

[00:24:53] And just like you said, I love that you said that like, doesn’t matter if you’ve done, like. 10 deployments, and this is your 11th. And you’re like, why am I struggling on this one? You know, even if you have the experience, like it, it just, it, it doesn’t matter where you’re at. It’s okay. And beneficial to get help.

[00:25:10] Um, you know, and I would just say even advocate for yourself, you know, I think that maybe you try one counselor and you feel like it’s not a great fit. Maybe, you know, it’s okay to try a different counselor or. Try something else. Um, I, I, I definitely believe in, in couples counseling as well. And I think that there can be some hesitancy with that with the, with the military world too, where it feels maybe like, oh, this is like a really big deal.

[00:25:35] But I think like marriages are so important to be strong with all this going on in the military world in, um, you know, I once heard this and I thought it was really good. It was kind of. Even if maybe your husband or boyfriend, or whoever’s not on board with getting counseling, like even you getting counseling is beneficial.

[00:25:51] And, and sometimes I know as a counselor, like I will see someone individually and then they can, their, their husband or partner, whoever can, can come alongside. You know, pop into sessions every here, here, and there. It doesn’t have to be a whole separate thing either. Um, and that’s helpful to know as well.

[00:26:07] And so I think just advocate for yourself and, and know that it’s okay to ask for help and also know that it takes time. I think sometimes it can be frustrating if you, if you go into counseling and you’re like, I’ve been doing it and I just it’s, it’s awkward or we’re not talking about there. It’s just like, it’s not working or just give it some time.

[00:26:27] And this type of. Really does take a lot of time to unravel what what’s going on in your mind and your heart. And so be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. But yeah, I, I think that. I, I love the work that I do and I I’m, I love my clients. I want the best for them. And it’s so brave to step into that chair and be the, the one counseled.

[00:26:52] And I think that it’s really helped me to be on the other side of it. And, and I think that just know that, um, even if it feels kind of like just awkward or not working, or just keep trying and, and, and let yourself really just think about it as your. To explore and to process and to know yourself better and know that it will benefit everyone around you, your kids, your husband, like your extended family, you know, sisters, mothers, like the more you’re working on yourself, the, the better your relationships are gonna be.

[00:27:24] And, and I, I think you’ll, I, you know, I think most people would be thankful for it. And, and if you’re not, and it’s not going well, then try something new, try something different, you know? Um, I’m a counselor. I believe counseling is super helpful. Is it the end all be all. Is it the only thing that’s gonna help you?

[00:27:38] No, there’s plenty of other things that, that are helpful, but I certainly believe that it’s, it’s worth trying. So give it a try, you know, give it a try if you, if you’re unsure and then see how it is for you and, and don’t put too much, um, weight on

[00:27:51] Christine: it. I mean, I think that’s really good, good advice because I think either we get afraid of going and talking to a counselor or we talk ourselves out of it.

[00:28:01] I don’t need this. I can do this on my own, but that there, that’s not the only thing too. Mm-hmm there. There’s other things that we can do. So I would love for you to just talk for a few minutes about some of the struggles that we faced. You struggle to really go ask for help. If we, we know we’re struggling.

[00:28:24] but asking or letting someone know that we’re struggling. Why is it that we struggle to do that? And, and what are some tips you have for helping us be, be able to say, Hey, look, I am going through a hard time. I’m struggling. I need

[00:28:39] Anna: help. Yes. This is something I’m so, so passionate for is just kind of this idea of, you know, how, how can we be vulnerable as military spouses?

[00:28:49] How can. How can we open up? Right. And, um, I think that it’s really difficult. Uh, I was talking to my husband about this last night kind of preparing for this. And he was like, I think that there’s some emotional fatigue, maybe. Um, he grew up in a military family and I think it’s like, you know, he, I think it’s like, You have to make these friendships over and over and you, you have to try again and maybe that can be overwhelming.

[00:29:17] You’re like, oh no, here we are again. And so I think that certainly that’s an aspect of the military world where there, there you’re already tired, right? Like it’s like, okay, there’s deployment. There’s there’s like, gotta take care her with my kids, my job, like we’re setting up the house, you know, it’s like, okay.

[00:29:33] And, and through all of that, I’m trying to make friends and maybe you feel like you’re not doing that well, or, you know, but I think. What’s I think that what I struggled with on deployment at times was feeling like not understood or not known or not loved. And, and it’s really easy to put that on other people and kind of be like, well, these, you know, I think it’s easy to kind of be like, oh, I’m frustrated at our friends or frustrated at.

[00:30:02] People around us that we hope would help us in a certain way. But I think there’s also some responsibility on our part, which is something that I really learned through deployment is kind of like, what is my responsibility in vulnerability? Like what, what part do I play? And I think that’s where I really grew a lot was kind of like.

[00:30:21] Asking myself, the question, well, what do I expect from this friendship? Or what do I expect in receiving help and, and really learning about myself in that way so that I could kind of express that to others. And then, and then it’s like, then you’re feeling more loved and known and understood when you can understand what you can understand that, you know, and so I.

[00:30:45] Vulnerability is hard. I think it’s, it’s hard to open up. I think it’s hard to, like, I had a newborn and a toddler, you know, it’s like my trash would be overflowing. My dishes were disgusting. Like, you know, it’s like the baby’s crying and it’s like, Hey, does anybody want to come over and hang out? You know, like, my life is really crazy right now, you know?

[00:31:08] Um, but I think, I think for me, one of the things that can prevent vulnerability is like believing. Believing that, um, like other people need to see perfection, right? So like let people into your home when your home is messy, like let people into your home when like, you know, you know that your kid’s gonna have a tantrum, like, you know, just let people into your home when like, it, it’s hard to do that.

[00:31:33] And when you do that, I think it allows people to know you in a very real way. And. and, and I think that’s encouraging to people, you know, like it’s like, oh, other people are not ha don’t have it all together either. And, and that creates a lot more bonding than it is when we kind of put up this facade and kind of feel like we have to have it together.

[00:31:55] Christine: Yeah, no, I appreciate it. And I really like what you said about. Really assessing our own responsibility because sometimes we expect that other people are gonna know or we expect that they should be checking in on us. And when they’re not, then we get frustrated that we don’t feel seen or known or understood.

[00:32:18] And, and really just taking that time to be. Okay, but am I doing my part to let people know, to be honest about what I’m feeling right now and, and that I don’t have it all together rather than trying to pretend that I have it all together so that, you know, People will like me or, or whatever, or that we think that we need to come across a certain way.

[00:32:44] So, um, I really like that assessment of, you know, what’s my part to play. Not that it’s like something else to put on our plate, but just to help us honestly assess the situation and because we can’t control anybody else. Right. We can only control ourselves and our response in a given situation. I mean, I really love what you said about just letting people in to your messy house and letting them know that you don’t have a perfect life and that there’s dishes all in the sink and you know, the, the bathroom counters haven’t been wiped down and who knows how long, all of those things that when we can let people in, then we start to make space for relationships and for.

[00:33:31] Just building and getting the support that we actually need. So what’s been your experience in, in what you’ve learned through choosing vulnerability, you know, what, what has come out of that for you?

[00:33:46] Anna: Yeah, I think that, you know, just like you said, kind of that responsibility, not to put something else in your plate, but I think that, you know, like for example, I think there’s times where, you know, I’ve gone out with a friend and especially during deploy.

[00:34:00] Getting that social time felt so important. Like it was like, oh, this is just really needs to fill me up. And, and this is gonna be like, it’s like, oh, I finally get a girl’s night or you finally got a babysitter. Then you connect and you get there or whatever. And then I think it can be disappointing. When you put all this weight on like, oh, I’m so excited to connect and then maybe it just doesn’t, it just, you leave the event or whatever.

[00:34:23] And you’re like, I just, I don’t feel like filled up or I don’t feel like people really asked me the questions I was hoping to hear or, you know, and then it’s like, well, I feel defeated. I wanna give up. Right. And it’s like, and I think that we can tend to let and. I think we can tend to move inward a little bit, then it’s like, okay, well I keep trying.

[00:34:41] And it’s just still hard, you know? And, and I think that that can be really frustrating. But I think that also there were times where I would have those feelings during deployment. Like I, okay. Like, literally this is the hardest thing ever to just finally get a babysitter and like the baby and like, okay, here we are.

[00:34:55] And then it’s like disappointing. But I think that I started asking myself, well, like, what am I hoping they would ask me? Like, what questions do I want to be asked? You know? And I think that people will match your level of vulnerability. So people will like, if you’re willing to ask them hard question, like, Hey, how.

[00:35:15] How’s it going, how’s the marriage going like with him overseas? Like, Hey, how’s, you know, what’s been the most difficult part of parenting lately. Like what, um, how, you know, what’s been hard about your job, like, you know, um, just knowing your friends and, or even, you know, I think it’s hard. Obviously when you’re getting to know someone too.

[00:35:34] But I think that when you’re getting to know someone, when you’re asking those difficult questions, it can definitely enhance relationship. So I think I kinda started asking like, well, what do, what do I wanna be asked? Like, you know, and, and maybe asking those questions to people, um, you know, and, and just realizing, like, I have some contr element of control over my connection with people, you know, and you’re not gonna connect with everyone and that’s true.

[00:35:57] And, but I think that there are ways that you can make your connections better by, by really. Being willing to be the, the vulnerable one first, you know? So I, I think that, that that’s really important as well. Um, and then I think that there’s some fears. And so maybe just asking ourselves the questions of, you know, um, like why do I feel fear with sharing something hard?

[00:36:21] if that’s a piece that’s hard for you is like, well, I could never tell my friend, like how I had to like football, hold my child, leaving the trampoline park. And she was screaming. Like, if they knew that about me, like, you know, like, would they be my friend? Like, you know, and it’s like, of course they would, everyone’s been through like, you know, but I think we build up these things like, oh my gosh, like, this is so hard.

[00:36:42] If they really knew. If they really knew like what it is, but it’s like, if they really knew, like they would love you through that, you know? And I think that, um, I think that’s something that for me I’ve really had to overcome is like, what are my fears about vulnerability? Like, and, and, and what are my, like, what are the lies that I’m believing?

[00:37:02] You know, I think that during deployment, we can have some very real lies and fears, you know, like, Hey, no one loves me. No one cares. Um, no one, no one, you know, um, like I’m not doing a good enough job. And I think that I wanna introduce this concept for military spouses of like the choices that you have your ability to like speak up and be vulnerable and how that can really enhance feeling known, feeling loved and feeling understood.

[00:37:33] Christine: And I think that’s so good whether you are going through a deploy. And you’re, you’re trying to reach out and ask for help or whether you’ve just moved somewhere new and you’re trying to build those connections. And we have this fear of, if I’m honest about what I’m struggling with, they won’t be my friend or I won’t be able to.

[00:37:54] Build these relationships. And it it’s really comes from this place of fear rather than just, you know, reaching out and saying, okay, I’m gonna put myself out there and I’m gonna show up and ask the questions. And then, you know, they may respond well, they may not. And that tells you, Hey, maybe this isn’t a great relationship.

[00:38:16] To be part of my support team in this season. When we, when we don’t ask those questions, when we just wait for other people and then we get frustrated, it goes back to what we talked about earlier about expectations, right? We’re thinking that other people are gonna show up a certain way, or we put all of our eggs into one basket, if you will about, okay.

[00:38:37] This thing me going out with the girls is going to give me what I need and then it doesn’t. And then. Disappointed. So I would love for you to share just what you want for this book, what your hope is, what it will be, um, and how you want to help military spouses through this book.

[00:39:02] Anna: Oh yeah. That’s a great question.

[00:39:03] Um, yeah, I mean, I think it’s a lot of what we’ve talked about today. You know, I think that. We’ve really dug into some deep topics. And, you know, I really just think my hope for the book is that, you know, when I first wrote the book, I told my husband, I was like, if it helps one person, I’ll be glad I did it.

[00:39:18] Like, you know, I, I it’s been so encouraging to just, I think what was super encouraging to me was interviewing the six military spouses and then seeing like, wow, we all have like similar kind of like. Experiences, but in different ways, you know, like just this, even this idea of like asking for help or being vulnerable or, you know, and just seeing how that can be like, you know, even veteran spouses are like, yes, that was hard.

[00:39:45] And, and so I think, you know, I hope that I hope that it encourages people. I hope that they can find something to take like a little nugget and little nugget of truth or a little nugget of encouragement from the book. Um, I do. Talk about a lot of different topics. And I, I have a whole section on my own mental health experience as well as like just perspective from a counselor.

[00:40:08] Like what. Specific things would I recommend or what tools do I use? And, you know, a lot of it is this type of, kind of processing where it’s kind of like, Hey, what, what lies are you believing? Or, Hey, you went to that event and like, what were you thinking in your head? And, and maybe how did that affect the whole rest of the night?

[00:40:27] You know, were, were you thinking, were you worried about yourself? Were you, you know, or, or did it go really well and what went well about it? You know? And so I think that the more we can know our. And the more, and that’s what I think why counseling is so important. The more we can know what’s going on in our own thoughts and feelings, because feelings are just as important as thoughts, but the more we can know that then the more we’re able to express ourselves to other people and like really know who we are.

[00:40:55] And I think that that’s just something I’m hoping for the book is that you know, that the interviews and, and I’m so thankful for the women who let me interview them. So thankful for their wisdom. I hope that it, it helps people. Um, and, and then I also hope that, you know, really you, people would read the book and feel like, oh, I feel less alone.

[00:41:13] Like, I feel, I feel like, oh, like people, people understand me a little more and, and maybe also have tools to take from. So, so I think that’s kind of my, my hopes for the book for.

[00:41:25] Christine: So where can, where can everybody find you? Where can they find the book? I know we’ve dug into a lot of great topics. Um, if somebody wants to continue the conversation, uh, let us know where they can connect with you and where they can find the book.

[00:41:40] Anna: Yeah. So the book is on Amazon, it’s in, it’s in three forms. You can get it in the ebook, like Kindle form, which I love Kindle. So I think that’s a great option. Um, and then also paper back and hard back as well. Along with Amazon, it’s also on Barnes and noble. So I think there, you know, some people use the nook or there’s, you can also download the Barnes and noble like ebook version as well as like people order the paperback versions from Barnes and noble as well.

[00:42:07] Um, and yeah, I’m also on Instagram. My Instagram is at Anna Luiken writer. I also have a Facebook page, Anna Luiken writer, and my website, Annaluiken.com. Yeah. That, those are kind of the different ways that you can reach me, ask questions. And, uh, I’m I would love that. I, I love it’s been so encouraging when I hear from military spouses and I’m like, oh my goodness.

[00:42:30] Like, you know, it’s just such a blessing to be able to hear from other people who are benefiting or, or just wanna share, or just wanna reach out whatever. So I’m really. For that.

[00:42:40] Christine: Well, thank you so much for coming on and having this conversation with us today. I know that there is somebody out there that really needs to hear this right now.

[00:42:49] Thank you so much for sharing your story and your heart and best of luck as you put this book out into the world. Thank you so much, friend. Wasn’t that? So good. I cannot wait to hear your feedback. Let’s continue the conversation inside the milspouse mastermind community. Let me know your biggest takeaways.

[00:43:12] I know that we all struggle with this. In some way, it’s been a battle in my life too, to be honest about the hard parts of military spouse life to reach out and ask others for help. When I would rather just try to figure out a way to power through and do it on my own. I mean, you can listen to my July.

[00:43:34] Real life recap episode. Um, that was episode 93, but I talked about how there’s this idea of once we’ve gone through a deployment or a PCs, a certain number of times, Hey, this is my like sixth move in seven or eight years. But it’s still hard and I still struggle through it. And there’s new challenges every single time.

[00:43:58] And this PCs has been really hard and we just have to normalize the fact that we will struggle because there are parts of life that are heart. And if we try to keep it to ourselves, we’re only going to struggle more. But when we can be vulnerable, when we can be honest about where we are, that is where the.

[00:44:20] Opens for true connection for being known and for learning to thrive, despite what life throws at us. So I would love for you to come share your big takeaways from today’s episode. If you are not a part of our Facebook community, please come join us in there where we unpack and continue the conversation from each week’s episode.

[00:44:44] You can do that by going to milspouse mastermind.com. forward slash community. And that will take you right there. I hope you have an amazing week friends until next time may you live filled, fueled, and full of joy.