[00:00:00] Christine: Do you feel like there’s never enough time, or enough of you, to get it all done? Do you struggle to set healthy boundaries, or say no when a new opportunity arises? Do you long to be more present in your daily life, but even when you’re physically present, your mind feels like it’s a million miles away?

[00:00:23] Today’s guest has been there. A former military spouse turned time management coach for busy women, Lissa Figgins, walks us through what it looks like to find balance, set healthy boundaries, and thrive as a busy military spouse. If you feel like your schedule is owning you rather than the other way around, Then you definitely won’t want to miss this episode of the Milspouse Mastermind Show.

[00:01:45] We often find ourselves doing everything for everyone around us. I get it. My kids are really doing after school activities for the first time this year. We’ve done swim lessons before, but this is the first time that I have kids involved in different activities on different days of the week. And it’s definitely been an adjustment for me.

[00:02:11] I’ve had to be Way more intentional about what is most important to me to be mindful of how I’m spending my time What my priorities are and what I need to do to take care of myself So that I can get everyone everywhere they need to go And so that I’m not pouring from an empty cup. And that’s exactly what we’re going to be talking about today.

[00:02:35] Our guest is Lissa Figgins, who has the honor of being the first two time guest on the Milspouse Mastermind Show. Lissa joined us earlier this year to talk about her experience PTSD diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. So if you have not yet heard that show, I will have that linked in the show notes below. Go back and take a listen, but Lissa is also a time management coach, specializing in helping busy women create life balance with time management truth and tips and tools. And if you listen to the end of this episode, Lissa has a very special gift for our community.

[00:03:22] But before we dive into the conversation today, I want to share one more free resource with you. One of the things we’re going to talk about today is identifying what matters most to you. And this is where I see a lot of spouses struggle to know what matters most to you. And one of the best places to start is by identifying what your core values are, what makes you tick.

[00:03:50] And that is why I have a free values worksheet for you. This came about because I saw so many people talking about the importance of knowing your core values. But no one knew how to get you to identify those values. So I created a free worksheet and that is available for you when you go to milspouse mastermind. com slash values, or just click the link in the show notes below.

Allright, now let’s get into my conversation with Lissa Figgins. And one of the things I love about Lissa is that she does such an amazing job Of painting word pictures and giving analogies that really bring these ideas to life. So without further ado, here’s my conversation with Lissa Figgins.

[00:04:41] Lissa Figgins, you have the honor of being the first two time guest on the Milspouse Mastermind Show. So welcome.

[00:04:48] Lissa: Wow, I am so honored. Thank you for the invitation to come back today.

[00:04:53] Christine: Yeah, I’m excited for this conversation. I know we talked a lot about PTSD and about your husband’s story And I was really excited to get to dig into your story a little bit more especially when you talk about how you are a time management coach because we have so many military spouses that struggle with all of the stress and the overwhelm and And I would love for you just to start by kind of unpacking a little bit about your story and what led you to become a time management coach.

From Military Spouse to Time Management Coach

[00:05:24] Lissa: Yes. Well, gosh, we always, we always take the hard route, right. You know, where we learn from all the things that we shouldn’t do. Cause I was that girl that. Was getting up super early, staying up super late, trying to cram, you know, think tasks and expectations and things like that into every little nook and cranny.

[00:05:44] And I carried around this should do list, whether it was in my hand or in my head. All the time. And I just never felt like I was ever done. And I never really felt like I was fully there. And over time, here’s what I learned. I learned that busy was not just a disordered schedule or that to do list. It wasn’t just because of my external circumstances.

[00:06:05] You know, like if there was a TDY or a deployment, because guess what? You know, you think like, well, when this is over, then I’ll feel, you know, so much, you know, that life will be easier. I’ll have more time. Right? But guess what? That thing passes and that feeling is still there. And, you know, this is something that women across the board are struggling with, never feeling like there’s enough time.

[00:06:26] And I truly believe it’s not a calendar issue. It’s really a disordered heart issue. And so it really was me just learning. That going at, you know, that crazy pace, trying to do all the things, saying yes to everyone who wanted or needed something from me was not going to allow me to be really able to pour out in the way that I was called to you know, cause as a military spouse, as a mom of three kids, we homeschooled for a while, I had a business, I was serving at church and things like that.

[00:06:56] You know, there were a lot of things on my plate. But what was happening was I was showing up places even in my home and I was there in body, but I like wasn’t there in spirit, right? Like, have you ever been in that place where you’re like, okay, I’m sitting here, but my mind is everywhere else. And thinking about all the other things that are could or should be doing or what I need to do next.

[00:07:17] And not really focusing on the person or the thing that’s right in front of us. And so really for me, it was, it was a milestone moment for me. It was turning 40 when I just woke up, I looked in the mirror, right? We have those milestone moments that make us just kind of have a wake up call and say, Oh my goodness, where did time go?

[00:07:34] How did I get here? Where am I going? And how can I make better use of this time? I have, because gosh, it’s going really fast. And so that’s when, you know, I learned that I couldn’t do all the things and I needed to just focus on what I was called to, not what everyone else thought that I needed to do and start really paying attention to those places where time was being drained out and those distractions that like to kind of worm their way into our day in life.

[00:08:03] Right.

[00:08:04] Christine: Yeah, well, let me just say, I turned 40 this summer, and nobody prepared me for like, how much of like a big life moment that is to say like, oh my goodness, like, what have I done with my life? Like, there was just a whole lot of like, mental and emotional things that I was like, Whoa, like I was not prepared for all of those thoughts, but I, I totally understand and I, I love how you were able to take that and say, okay, like this needs to be not just about what everyone else says I should be doing or.

[00:08:40] What it, what, you know, everybody says would look good on, on paper or like all the things that everyone else puts pressure on us to do or to be involved in. So how did you go from like saying, okay, I want, I want this to change and, and then be coming to what you do now?

[00:09:00] Lissa: Well, like I said, it was that journey.

[00:09:02] So over the last 10 years, cause I just turned 50. I have really, first of all, taken time to fill up first before I pour out in my day, right? Because I think so often we’re, you know, up from sun up to sun down literally, especially if we are a mom of boys, you know, and we’re pouring out or doing something for everyone all day long.

[00:09:23] And I knew that even though I thought that was the answer, right? Because I thought I could eat a little bit more time out of my day. Really, I was, it was just draining me all the more because you can’t pour from an empty cup. Right. And so I really got really consistent, especially with that morning refill time and then, and then realized I need this at the end of the day too, right?

[00:09:43] Just like our phone needs to go back on the charger at the end of the day, or it’s not going to be available to be used the next day. I really think that we need that as well. And I really just started diving into what is it that I’m called to in this season and, and how, how do I put healthy boundaries around my time?

[00:10:01] So that. For a couple of reasons. One, technology, right, doesn’t come barging in, because let’s be honest, we have this extra appendage, aka a phone, that we carry around all day long, that is always trying to rob our time and attention. Also just, you know, all the different, you know, tasks or demands, requests, you know, things like, like you talked about, expectations, obligations, those types of things that were coming in.

[00:10:25] I didn’t, learning how I didn’t have to say yes to all of that, it was okay to say no. And then also, like, checking my own heart, too, right, and not feeling like I have to do this just because this is what I’m seeing on Instagram or on Pinterest or on, you know, in my friend’s life that you know, when I see her at church or out in the neighborhood or those types of things.

[00:10:44] So, so really started with getting clear around what really matters in this season and recognizing, you know, my kids at that time were start, my oldest was entering high school. And so I knew. Wow. Only a few more years that he’s going to be here. How do I fully invest in this season and let go of all the other stuff that really, you know, doesn’t matter.

[00:11:04] A lot of times it doesn’t matter an hour from now, let alone a year from now or 10 years from now. Right.

[00:11:10] Christine: Oh, so much, so much good that you just said. I want to go back to what you said about starting and filling up first. So what does that look like for you?

Prioritizing Self-Care as a Military Spouse

[00:11:20] Lissa: Well, that looks like not grabbing, going to my phone first thing.

[00:11:25] It also looks like not going and finishing the dishes from last night, or doing something for somebody else, or responding to that email, or whatever else are those other things. For me, the first thing I have to do is I go grab my water bottle and I take about 15 or 20 minutes to do like a strength training or yoga or stretching or something that’s going to like wake up my body.

[00:11:46] And then I’ll go make my cup of coffee and then I sit with my Bible and my journal and whatever book I’m reading and I spend some time just filling up with all of that. And then getting ready for the day. Like I truly. Even though as a, as a time management coach, I work mostly from home. I get ready for the day every day because there’s something about taking care of you on the outside too, right?

[00:12:07] That prepares you to show up for the day. And so it’s not until after those things are done that then I will open up my phone or then I will start putting in the load of laundry or, you know, attending to those other things that needed to be taken care of.

[00:12:21] Christine: Yeah, I cannot tell you how distracting it is when I open my phone up first.

[00:12:27] If I do not open my phone up in the morning, I really am able to set my intentions for the day and really start the day from a good place. But when I get. You know, like, oh, like, I had all these notifications while I was sleeping. And so I’m like, I just want to see what they said. And then I go, like, spiral down the rabbit hole.

[00:12:45] And I’m like, well, that was not a productive use of the time that I have. I would love to know. I know your kids are older now, so you have more of that time. What do you say to young moms who are in this place of like my kids are little they need me It’s hard to carve out that time. Like what are what is your advice for where they can begin?

What to Do When Self-Care Feels Impossible

[00:13:07] Lissa: Wow. Like this is the advice I wish I would have had back then. First is to give yourself a lot of grace, right? Because we can have great intentions. We can have great plans and life happens and kids, you know, wake up earlier than you planned or all of a sudden need something before they go out the door to school or whatever it is.

[00:13:26] So first of all, you know, know that there is no perfect plan or there is no perfect day. And that’s okay. Right. And if, if your kid just really needs you, and that was the time that you had planned to refill, then okay, you know, like that’s where you need to be and be there and be fully present with, with them.

[00:13:43] But I will say that so often we just, we get in the habit of always doing everything else first and thinking we’ll find the time to do the filling up of us at some point. Right. Or, you know, at the end of the day, which let’s be honest, we never have that energy at the end of the day. So maybe that means getting up, you know, 15 minutes before your kids are getting up or having a time like, you know, I know there are different kinds of clocks based on how old they are, if they can read the time yet, or if they just can kind of see the color on the dial as to this is the time that, you know, you can come out of your room, which, you know, gives mom this time to make sure that I, you know, I’m filled up so that I can pour out into you you know, and I truly also, I’m a big proponent of Making sure that you’re prepared for the next day, the night before, the day before, before, right?

[00:14:30] So if I, if I’m scrambling, trying to pack lunches in the morning and trying to get, you know, backpacks packed and doing all the things in the morning, yeah, it’s going to feel like I don’t have that time. But I have a choice. I can do those things the day before. I can include my kids in those things right when they were younger.

[00:14:45] And then those aren’t tasks that are waiting for me in the morning. So I think some of it too is ordering our day and thinking about that as well. And you know, in a, in a, in a busy season of life, when you’ve got little littles, it may be one minute of stretching and maybe one minute of, you know, meditation.

[00:15:02] And it may be one minute to put your hair up in a messy bun, like, and that may be all you get. That’s okay. That’s better than, than not doing anything at all. And then you can gradually build into, you know, that place where you have more time. And as they get older, they can take on more responsibilities.

[00:15:17] And so I think we need to sometimes make sure that we’re We’re teaching them that responsibility and not taking it all on our back.

[00:15:24] Christine: Yeah, I think I tell myself all the time, like, doing something is better than doing nothing. Because it’s easy to get into the all or nothing mindset where it’s like, okay, if I can’t, if I can’t do the whole thing, the whole workout, the whatever, then it’s not worth even starting.

[00:15:43] If you just do something to stretch or to move your body, it’s so much better than not doing anything for yourself at all. And I think that’s just like the one piece of advice that has meant the most to me is just to like, do something, you know, even if it’s just like one minute of mindfulness, that’s something that you’re doing to take care of yourself.

[00:16:06] Lissa: And it will always cost you more when you put things off, right? I like to say it’s like, are you, am I going to pay cash for something? Or am I going to pay with credit? If I pay with credit, it’s always. It always costs more because there’s interest added onto it. Right. And so when we get in this, like wearing busy as a badge of honor and, you know, I’m a mom, so, you know, there isn’t time for me.

[00:16:25] And we, you know, kind of see that as, as a good thing. Eventually like it starts catching up with us and we may get to the point where we are not able to be present. We’re not able to pour into them like we would like to. I think so many, especially young moms feel like it’s selfish. To think about pouring into themselves.

[00:16:43] And I like to say, if your child showed up on your back door on a really hot day, and they were so thirsty from playing outside and you’re standing there with a cup, but it’s empty, no matter how much you want to pour into their cup, you can’t, you have to fill your cup first, and then you can pour out into their cup.

[00:17:02] You know, so if we are not making these things a priority, It will eventually start affecting the people that we say that, you know, that we truly love and want to be able to pour into.

[00:17:14] Christine: I love that word picture because I think as military spouses, sometimes it’s so easy to put ourselves on the back burner because you know we’ve like had to take a step back from a career or from you know we’ve moved away from our family or our close friends and we’re just used to like well I have to do this because of my spouse’s service and I want to make sure that my kids are taken care of and we start like focusing on everyone else.

[00:17:43] But I love that analogy of like, Hey, I want to give you some water, but I have no water to give you because I haven’t taken the time to do the things that I need to do so that I can pour out into others. I know you, you spoke about having healthy boundaries around our time, and I think this is something that so many of us struggle with.

[00:18:06] So talk a little bit about what it looks like to set up those healthy boundaries.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries Around Your Time and Attention

[00:18:12] Lissa: Yeah. Well, I think first it’s having the right mindset around them, right? Because when you hear boundaries, like, what do you think? Do you think like, ah, that sounds like I’m like being confining to myself or I’m being rude to other people because I’m keeping them at arm’s length.

[00:18:25] And so I want to challenge you to really shift your mindset and see boundaries as something that actually gives you freedom and is a very loving thing to do. So I love using analogies. So think about like a garden, right? Like if you were planting a garden, Your goal is to grow plants in there that are going to produce a harvest, whether it’s flowers, whether it’s vegetables that are going to feed your family or just something pretty to look at, like, right?

[00:18:50] That’s why you’re doing that. So, what do you do? You mark off the space, right? You get rid of all the weeds and you say, this is my garden space. You don’t just walk out and start throwing seeds wherever in your backyard and hope that, you know, this beautiful garden comes. So you mark off that space.

[00:19:07] Right. But then what you, so what you also need to do is you need to put that little fence or something around it because if you don’t, then the bunnies are going to find it. Right. So we clear out the space because we don’t want the weeds to be taking over. But then we put that, that fence around it because we don’t want the bunnies or the deer or whatever animals are in your area to come in and, you know, and consume our plants.

[00:19:27] And here’s the thing. We don’t wait until, you know, the bunnies start coming to then put up the fence, unless we didn’t think through it in the first place, right? So, creating healthy boundaries is, I am putting this hedge of protection so that I can keep what matters inside, so that it will get the best of what it means to flourish, right?

[00:19:47] So those plants need the water, the nutrients of the soil, you know, whatever fertilizer you’re putting on there, that type of thing. Like if this is your family, right, you want your family to get the best of you and not have all these little weeds or all these little things that are, you know, stealing away your time and attention.

[00:20:02] And then that, that fencing keeps all those distractions, those other things outside so that that way you can focus on what’s inside and really help it to grow. And so I really feel like it’s really shifting that mindset around what is the purpose of a boundary. And then it becomes a little bit easier to set those, right?

[00:20:20] Christine: So how do we start to do that practically?

Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries

[00:20:26] Lissa: Yeah. Yeah. Well, that is, that’s a great question, right? Because here’s the other thing that we tend to do, especially as busy moms and wives and military spouses and things like that. We’re like doing a little bit of this and then this thing pops up. So then we’re doing a little bit of that and we’re doing, you know, and we’re, we’re literally multitasking and we think that multitasking is our superpower.

[00:20:44] And what happens when you multitask really. You can’t do most things more than one thing at once. Now you can walk and like listen to a podcast. You can like. Be, you know, listening to music while you’re while you’re washing the floors or something like that, but, you know, you can’t be helping your kid with something and trying to send an email.

[00:21:03] We all know how that turns out, right? Like, either the kid melts down or the email gets misspelled and, you know, nobody is getting your full attention. And so what I truly believe matters, you have your refill times in your day, the times you’re committed, whether it’s. Or, you know, as you, as your kids get older and you have a little bit, maybe more freedom there you’ve got that time in between is the time that we’re called to pour out, but really identifying.

[00:21:28] Okay. In this time of my day, what matters most? So, for example, if you have young kids at home who are going to go off to school for the day, what really matters? From that time you’re done refilling, no matter how long it was, until they leave, until they leave to go, like, is does social media really matter?

[00:21:45] Does that email really matter? Does, you know, whatever it was that you were going to go search for in the, in the closet, in the back room really matter? No, it’s probably your kids. Like, And so being able to say I’m putting boundaries around this time, my focus is going to go on making sure that my kids, my husband, my household has what they need for their day to start well too.

[00:22:08] And so I’m putting healthy boundaries around that by not allowing these other distractions to come in. Right. And then if the kids go off to school, you drop them off at the bus stop, whatever that looks like. Now you’ve got a different time block. What can I, what can I focus my time attention on in this time?

[00:22:24] That, you know, and, and what am I keeping out that can tend to come in and, you know, like you talked about earlier, when we pick up our phones, that is very often not setting healthy boundaries. So, if we want to focus on something, most things that are coming in on our phones, like, it will be okay. It can sit and wait for the 15, 20, 30 minutes, whatever the time is that we’re focusing on something.

[00:22:45] And then we can get to it. So I truly, you know, believe that that’s, we’ve got to be really intentional about when we’re picking up our phones and why we’re picking up our phone, especially if there’s something or someone in front of us who really needs our attention and that we really want to pour into.

[00:23:01] And that’s, you know, so that’s one specific way that that we can definitely set some of those healthy boundaries.

[00:23:06] Christine: So, let’s go back to this idea of identifying what matters most and what, what is your recommendation for it? Like how we figure out, these are the things that matter most to me.

Identifying What Matters Most as a Military Spouse

[00:23:20] Lissa: Well, you start with the have tos, right?

[00:23:22] Because there are a lot of excess things that we could do. But I think it really comes down to what I call the eight key areas of attention in our life. So we have our faith walk, right? So that that’s going to matter, especially in that refill time, knowing that, you know, there’s, we have a purpose that, you know, there’s something bigger than us and that we’re refilling with that.

[00:23:43] The next one is our family, right? What, what are we called to in this season with our family? You know, so here’s where you look at, yeah, is my husband in, you know, at home and on base or is he away? What are the ages of my kids and what are their needs? What are the things that I’m called to maybe with some extended family, whether it’s parents who are aging or just other family that has, you know, some different needs and things like that.

[00:24:04] So we take a look at, at, at that area. Friendships is the next area. And you know, that’s another one. It’s easy to put off, but. Especially as military spouses, oftentimes it’s like those friendships are a lifeline, right? Because our family is often really far away based on where we’re, you know, stationed.

[00:24:22] And if our loved one is gone, you know, especially, and so they really become, you know, a real big part of our life. And I really believe we need to, you know, it doesn’t mean we have to do everything with everyone, but just say, okay, what are the relationships that I’m called to in this season to pour into?

[00:24:38] And, and really, how can I be intentional? You know, in that way, the next area is our service, which is our work. So that could be paid or unpaid. It could be, you know, working for someone else or working for yourself. It can even be, you know, full time taking care of kids or aging parents or, you know, a loved one who has, you know, some kind of a need, you know, what, what does that look like in this season?

[00:25:00] Because like you said, it’s sometimes that’s going to shift based on what’s going on with our spouse. And so we need to come back and reevaluate that. The next one is our stewardship, right? So that’s going to be around our time and our finances. And, you know, we all know if we’re not paying attention to either of those things, then we are going to have a lot of time and money that’s leaking out all over the place.

[00:25:20] And then those bills are going to come or the credit card bill comes at the end of the month. And we’re like, oh my goodness, right? Or the time, the week flies by and we just think, where did time go? So paying attention to where am I called? Just what am I called a steward right now? Where, where are these, where am I investing?

[00:25:36] Wellness is the next one. So that’s going to be, of course, physical and mental wellness, making sure we get enough sleep. I mean, that’s a huge one, right? Making sure we’re eating well, not just the crumbs off kids plates and not just, you know, things that can be popped in a microwave or go through a drive thru.

[00:25:50] But like, how am I really nourishing my body? How am I moving my body? How am I resting my body? You know, those types of things, the seventh area is our passions. And this is another one that’s really easy, especially for busy moms and military spouses to put off because we think I don’t have time for me.

[00:26:07] I don’t have time to, like, read a book or, you know, go hiking or go, like, take a class because I think that’s just a really fun hobby. I’d like to learn more about or whatever. And yet. When we fill up in that way, right, like it just, when those things that light us up are in our lives, we have those little, those little times when we can fill up with that, you know, it really just helps give us a depth to who we are.

[00:26:31] And the last one, of course, is our, our dwelling, right? Because we have, whether we own our home or whether we’re renting or we’re in, you know, something on base, we’re creating an environment in which not only we’re taking care of the needs of our family. But ultimately we want it to be a place where we can welcome in, you know, those in our community and give them a place.

[00:26:49] Doesn’t mean it has to be perfect. It doesn’t mean there has, you know, there can’t be dust bunnies or crumbs on the counter or anything like that, but just. How am I taking care of those needs so that when the doorbell does ring? I’m not like cramming stuff in the bathtub, you know So hoping that nobody goes in there and pushes the curtain to the side and I’m I’m able to just be like yes Come in.

[00:27:07] I just how can I pour into you? So those are the eight areas and I know for a busy woman like it may be like, oh my gosh That’s a lot. But when you think about it All those areas do need our attention in a different times in our life. Some are going to get more attention than others, and some are going to need more attention than others.

[00:27:25] But like I said earlier, if we don’t give those things attention, eventually they will demand our attention. So this is where it’s so important to just check in with yourself and say, okay, what are, what’s one need I have in each of these areas and how can I. make up, make time or make a priority in my week, my day, my month to make sure that this is happening.

[00:27:48] And then, you know, we start making those things habits and then we start like, Oh, okay. You know, I’m not having to think so hard about these things anymore, because it’s just becoming a part of what I do. And then, of course, you know, things shift or your move or your husband gets deployed or your kids, you know, grow up and leave the house or you get a job or whatever.

[00:28:05] And so then it’s a great time to come back and re evaluate. Okay, what matters in this season? What do I need to pay attention to in these areas so that I can stay balanced? And I’m not yeah, I’m not trying to to catch up and and, and have that demanding my time. Right. Like we said, it’s always going to cost more later down the road.

[00:28:24] Christine: Yeah. I mean, I think this is so similar to what I talk about. A lot on this show, but this is what really makes us be able to thrive and to find fulfillment as a military spouse. And it’s not like, you know, waiting until the next location. It’s not waiting until our spouse gets out of the military. When we focus on these things, this is what allows us to have and find fulfillment right where we are.

[00:28:58] And so I think that is just so powerful when we can shift our thinking to say, It’s not about having the job, or having the right number of kids, or whatever the thing is. It’s looking holistically at our lives. Now, I would love for you to get into, when you do an assessment of these eight key areas, and you’re like, Hey!

[00:29:23] Life feels off in a number of these areas. And I know, like, my house is a wreck. And I know, like, my marriage is struggling. And I know, you know, I’m not actually pursuing anything that I’m passionate about. You have these multiple areas and you feel like, okay, how do I figure out what thing to focus on or what to prioritize?

[00:29:48] What’s your advice there?

Choosing What to Prioritize in Your Current Season 

[00:29:50] Lissa: Yeah, that is such a great question because what do we do? We tend to jump in and try and do all the things and then we either get overwhelmed because there’s too much or we get, you know, overextended. And then we, we shut down and we do nothing. Right. So what, what I do, I take my clients through a process where we do an assessment where we visibly can see the balance that’s happening in our life.

[00:30:10] And I will just say this, like there’s this ongoing debate about is, does, does balance really exist? Right. But I want to say if you ever watch a ballerina when she’s up on her point of her point shoes, right? If it looks like she’s standing still, it looks like she’s completely balancing on her toes.

[00:30:26] But if you zero in on those feet, you will see that she’s actually just making a lot of corrections very quickly, right? Because in order to keep her body upright, She needs to pay attention to what needs her attention, and then she makes that adjustment, right? Otherwise, if she doesn’t, then she’s gonna fall over.

[00:30:44] And so, like you said, you know, sometimes we feel like they’re, they’re, you know, like, I feel I’m out of balance. So instead of, you know, trying to, to jump in and do all of it, which is just gonna end us on the floor, I like to say, like, focus in on the one or two things. that would make the biggest difference.

[00:31:00] Because what you’re going to find is when you start getting attention in one area, it will have a ripple effect in those other areas. So there’s, there’s a book called the one thing by Gary Keller, who’s from Keller Williams real estate. And it says this, his question is this, what’s the one thing I can do.

[00:31:18] Such that by doing it, everything else will be easier, unnecessary, better, or fill in the blank with whatever word you want to describe things. So you could ask that question overall, say right now in, you know, in this season of my life, what would really help to, you know, make things feel a whole lot smoother in my day?

[00:31:35] Or maybe you address that with just your marriage. What’s the one thing I can do in my marriage, right? Or what’s the one thing I can do with my kids or the one thing I can do in my career? Whatever that area is and, you know, and, and again, here’s where you give yourself grace. You can’t do everything, but when you start doing one thing, you start not only building that muscle, but you start building momentum.

[00:31:55] And that momentum starts having a ripple effect in that area, you know, and then in other areas. And I like to work in like a 12 week focus. Cause I feel like sometimes what do we do? Like new years, we set these big resolutions, we set these goals and, you know, after a few months, let’s be honest, most people have forgotten them.

[00:32:12] But if I say this is my focus for the next three months, it keeps me more on track than saying this is what I’m going to do this year. And then at the end of that three months, like, pause and reevaluate. Hey, how are things feeling in that area? What are the other areas looking like? What is it that needs your attention, you know, and then you can give your focus to that.

[00:32:30] So I think the more often you check in, the better it’s going to be as well because we get too far off and then it’s going to take a whole lot more time and energy to get things back on track.

[00:32:40] Christine: For sure. So you mentioned focus and I would love. Because when we talk about having a specific time and we focus on this area, I know that what is on a lot of people’s minds right now is we are moving into the holiday season and we have, you know, Christmas and Thanksgiving and all Halloween, all the things, and there’s a lot of pressure.

[00:33:05] There’s a lot of events now I know some of us have moved somewhere and we feel disconnected and we’re like, I just wish that I could have things to go to, and some of us are sitting there looking at the calendar the next couple of months, and we’re feeling overwhelmed with the number of things on the calendar, but when we talk about focusing on what matters most and making time for the things that we need to, what should we be thinking of as we look at the calendar for the next couple of months and we think about the boundaries that we need to set for ourselves?

Setting Boundaries Around The Holidays as a Military Family

[00:33:43] Lissa: Well, I love the fact that we’re asking this question now when we still have time and we’re not right in the throes of it. Because I think that always planning ahead is, is going to be the best strategy, right? And here’s the other thing too, when you think about those, those few months of the year, yes, there are extra things that come on the calendar, but I’m pretty sure that I would say safely 75, maybe even 80 percent or more of your life is probably still everyday life.

[00:34:09] Right? Like, yes, we have these extra things, but we still have a lot of regular every day. I’m going to school. I’m going to work. I’m making dinner. I’m doing laundry, you know, things like that. So going into a season, this is why it’s so helpful to have a plan for where your time is going. Especially when life is busy, right?

[00:34:26] Because when I know that my basic needs are met, my family is taken care of, my health is, you know, is being addressed, like all of those things. Now it doesn’t feel like so much of a struggle to add on some of those extra things. And that’s where I, you know, like, I’m really, again, a big proponent of having those refills, making sure that you know where your time is going.

[00:34:45] And I teach a five block time blocking system. So that you’re breaking your day into five different types of things that you’re doing, and it just at least gives a light structure for where your focus and time and attention is going. So I think having that is important to being able to lay out and look at.

[00:35:03] The next few months, I think is really helpful and I know so many people love digital calendars, but the problem with the digital calendar, unless you’re looking at a weekly spread or a monthly spread, you’re just scrolling through a day. You can’t see how the, how it feels and flows over, you know, one, two, three months time.

[00:35:21] So I highly recommend like. Get either a a planner, you know, paper planner that you can kind of lay out the next couple of months and or like look at your digital calendar on the weekly or the monthly view. So that way you can see like, oh, my goodness, I have all this stuff stacked right on top of each other.

[00:35:38] Of course, I’m going to feel stressed out and crazy, right? Or okay. Like, let’s space out, you know, what we’re doing. So that way, you know, it doesn’t feel like it’s all, you know, in one place. So I think that first one is having a plan and kind of being able to see ahead where, where things are going. I think the second step is identifying what matters to you in this season.

[00:35:57] What do you want this season to include? Right? Like, not again, the expectations of everyone else. But what are the things that your family really loves or that you really love? And making sure that you put those in the calendar first. So that way it doesn’t feel like, Huh, we’re just, you know, going to everybody else’s things and, and doing all these other things that really at the end of the season we go.

[00:36:19] But we didn’t get to do, you know, whatever this was. So, sit down with your family, kind of make your bucket list for the holidays and say, What do we want to do? And then I always say, if you don’t schedule it, it’s probably not going to happen. So give it a time right now. That may change. I always say plan and pencil because life happens and you know, sometimes we need to rearrange things, but I guarantee if you have a plan for those things before you go into the season, then you’re going to be able to do many, if not most of those things.

[00:36:48] And I think the last one is like, it’s okay to say no. Right? Like, just because there’s an invitation, and like you said, some of us are going to get tons of invitations, and some of us are going to be just longing for an invitation so it’s okay to say no, and not have to go to every event, and do everything, and overdo the gifts, and, You know, and, and it’s okay to say, you know, we’re, this is, you know, we, we, we’ve already got something going on that night.

[00:37:12] Or, Hey, you’re welcome to come join us or, you know, just to give a different option that would still allow you to create the space and margin that you want and to celebrate. You know, the way that you want it to look instead of just, you know, jumping in and being like, okay, we’re just gonna, you know, hold on tight and get through the next few months and then not really feel like you fully experienced it.

[00:37:35] And I truly believe that, like, oftentimes we look at this season of the year and we say, oh, my goodness, the holidays are so busy. You know what? Just like when my kids, when they were younger, would say, mom, I’m bored. I’m like, you know what? Boredom is a choice. You’re choosing to be bored. And I think the same thing is true about busyness, right?

[00:37:51] Like it’s a mindset, it’s a choice. I can, if I go into the holidays saying life is going to be busy, guess what? I probably will find that that’s true. But if I go in saying like, this is going to be the most wonderful time of the year, and it is going to be a really like deep time of, you know, time with family and friends and doing these things that matter.

[00:38:13] And creating space for that, then that can be what your holidays looks like. Right? And that’s where those healthy boundaries come in. So that we can make sure that we’re creating space for the things that matter, and we’re intentionally keeping out the things that are going to distract from that.

[00:38:27] Christine: Yeah, I always say, you will find what you are looking for.

[00:38:31] And what you tell yourself ends up being what is true. When my kids tell me like, Hey, I’m not going to like this food. I’m like, no, you’re not going to like it. Cause you just said that. And it’s like, if you’re willing to just say, let me try and see what happens. So you open the door for new possibilities.

[00:38:48] But when we think that it’s going to be overwhelming and we think it’s going to be busy, then that becomes our reality. And I think to your point earlier, I, one of the best things that we did as a family last year was sit down with our kids and say. What of these Christmas traditions, now that they’re getting a little bit older, like what’s your favorite thing about this season and trying to prioritize what was important to each of our kids made a big difference rather than us trying to say, well, we need to do these things, or we’re just not going to do these things this year, but really bringing our kids into the discussion made a big difference for us.

[00:39:32] Lissa: I love that. Yeah, because you’re creating your traditions right in your experiences. You want this to be this is what we do and it’s okay if it doesn’t look like everybody else. In fact, that’s a good thing because that means it’s unique to what your interests and needs are and the season of life you’re in.

[00:39:48] And again, no to your kids will grow up and move out of the house. I now have two boys who are serving active duty. And so in most cases, when your kids grow up and leave the house, like you at least get the holidays with them. But guess what? Because they’re in the military, I most likely don’t even get them for the holidays, right?

[00:40:04] But that’s okay. Like, you know, and so I’m just in a different season of life now. So those holiday traditions look different. So yeah, enjoy the season of life you’re in, enjoy the season of the year you’re in, and just be fully present with that. Knowing that, you know, time passes quickly and things are going to change.

[00:40:22] And you don’t want to have regrets about not having spent the time with the things that mattered most, the people that matter most.

[00:40:29] Christine: Yes, now that you brought this up, I would love one last question. So many of our families, it’s hard to get time off over the holidays. It’s hard to travel to see family, but a lot of times we have extended family that don’t necessarily understand what military life is like, and they can put so much.

[00:40:50] Pressure on us to show up to, to try, to try to travel and do all the things. So as someone who coaches on setting boundaries and understanding both sides of this picture, what’s your advice for setting those boundaries with extended family and trying to help them understand that it may not be possible for us to come and do all the things.

[00:41:15] Lissa: That’s such a great question. And, you know, the million dollar answer, right? It’s going to be a little bit different for everyone. But I think, first of all, you have to know what your priorities are and what matters to you. And you have to be okay with the fact that you’re not going to please everyone. And so, and not everyone’s going to understand, right, but being able to, you know, communicate to them.

[00:41:35] Hey, we’re not going to be able to do this, but we would love to spend time with you. And here is a time that we could do let’s, you know, how could we make this work? Right? Like, I think if we can give them that other option, because yes, they would love to have you right there on the Christmas tree, right with everybody else.

[00:41:49] That’s that’s sitting there. But really the biggest value is probably just that time with you and instead of trying to cram it all in when if you only have a couple of days or there’s so many people, you know, in town at once, I think letting them know like you are a priority, we want to have really good time with you and here’s, here’s a time that would work for us.

[00:42:07] How can we make this work? And you know, I think, yes, they may be disappointed, but they’re going to be excited. It’ll give them something else to look forward to that’s not right during a typical holiday time. And then you’re going to be able to give each other more time and attention because you’re not distracted by all the other things that are going on during the holidays, right?

[00:42:24] Christine: That is so helpful, and I know that we could continue conversation for a while. I have so many questions that we could talk about, but for now, as we’re wrapping this up, let everybody know where they can come find you and find all of the resources that

[00:42:40] Lissa: you have. Yes. Well, if you like podcasts, you can find me hanging out on podcasts on any platform.

[00:42:46] It’s called redeem her time. And we talk all about the mindset behind it, as well as the practical tips and tools and things like that, that we can use to make the best use of our time. And I would love to offer your audience a gift. I just put together a brand new guide because so many women tell me there’s not time for me.

[00:43:05] I don’t have time to fill up first, Lissa. I know it sounds great, but so I put together a guide that comes with a free coaching video that helps walk you through how to set up those refills. And I would love to offer that to your audience. So you can find it at redeemhertime. com forward slash fill and grab the guide, listen, watch the coaching video that goes with it and start taking steps towards setting aside some time, whether it’s three minutes or 30 minutes.

[00:43:33] To fill up so that you can pour out, especially before we head into a busy holiday season.

[00:43:38] Christine: Thank you so much. Definitely go check that out because I know that is something that is so, so valuable. We’ve talked before on, on the podcast, just about how important it is to take care of ourselves, to practice those sustainable self care rhythms.

[00:43:56] So if you have tried to figure this out, if you’ve struggled with this in any way, I am so excited that Lissa is offering that to us and definitely go check out her podcast. Lissa, thank you so much for coming back on the show today and having this conversation with us.

[00:44:13] Lissa: Thank you so much. I appreciate you inviting me and giving me the opportunity to pour into your audience.

[00:44:18] And here’s what I just want to say as we close. No matter how busy you feel, you really do have time for what you’re called to, right? So be okay with not doing it all and, and just showing up where you’re called to in this

[00:44:32] Christine: season. I cannot think of a better way to end this conversation. So that is your takeaway for today.

[00:44:41] No matter how busy you feel. You have time for what you are called to do. You don’t have to wait for some future season to chase your dreams. It may not look the way that you thought it would. You may not be able to run as hard or move as quickly or make as much progress as you’d like in this season. Be okay with not doing it all.

[00:45:10] And just… Show up where you are called to for this season. Make today matter. The closer we get to the holidays, the more this is going to be true. Because there’s going to be more things that get placed on our to do list. So my encouragement to you is to keep setting those healthy boundaries. To get clear on what matters most to you so you can prioritize what really matters most in this season.

[00:45:43] Don’t forget to go check out that free gift from Lissa and then come pop inside our free Facebook community. I would love to hear your thoughts and your biggest takeaways from this episode.