Unlocking the Power of Connection: A Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends and Building Community

[00:00:00] Christine: One of the super fun parts of military life is getting to completely start over building your local support network. When you move, I think almost every single military spouse worries about this. A little bit when they move to a new duty station because you don’t know if you’re going to have a great community, if you’re going to even be near others that are a part of the military community, or if you’re going to be in a local area where there might not be a military installation, and how long it’s going to take you to.

[00:00:38] Build those close relationships. If you are at a large base, sometimes that takes longer than if you’re at a small base or in a tight-knit community. Or sometimes you move somewhere and everybody who is from the local area is not really welcoming to military members, so it can be nerve wracking. Every time we move.

[00:01:05] So today on the podcast, we’re going to dig into the topic of making friends as a military spouse, and I’ve got some really practical tools and suggestions for you that will help you find your people and reduce the number of. Awkward. “What do I say?,” conversations we sometimes experience.

The Challenge of Building a Support Network every Time You Move

[00:02:11] Let’s just be honest. Building friendships, especially close-knit friendships as an adult can be challenging and certain seasons of life and certain locations make it even more challenging. So I just wanna start off today by acknowledging the heart and acknowledging the fact that some of us are.

[00:02:45] Better at and find it easier to build friendships than others. So there’s a big spectrum here, but I think it is challenging for a lot of us because of not just military life, but because of the culture that we live in. When you start to look at the data, you look at the research, Loneliness has become an epidemic in Western cultures today are more lonely than at almost any point in history, and sometimes it’s because of how we’ve structured our lives and how we’ve kind of made our houses not a communal place, but a sanctuary, a place we go to retreat from.

[00:03:36] Those around us. And I would say probably this is less the experience that we have, especially if you live on base or you’re in a large military community. ’cause we’re like, we need to meet people, we need friends. But in general, People are less connected, people are less likely to just go over to someone’s house.

[00:03:58] Unannounced. People are less likely to even know the names of their neighbors than they used to be. There have been lots of books recently written on this loneliness epidemic. Actually, next on my reading list is Jennie Allen’s book. Find Your People Building Deep Community In a Lonely World. I’m sure I will have more thoughts to share on this after I read that book, but I hear from a lot of military spouses that they feel lonely, that they are looking for community, that they’re trying to figure out how do I build and maintain community?

[00:04:39] How do we keep starting over and finding our tribe? Because as much as we want to hold on to those relationships from that last location, we also need people that are physically around us to be our community, our support system where we currently live because our spouse may be gone, they may be unavailable.

[00:05:02] We just need someone to be that emergency contact sometimes. This is something that so many military spouses say that they struggle with. There is a lot to say about this topic, but today I wanted to start by centering this conversation around one particular comment, and here was the comment. I signed up to go to an event because I want friends, but then I ended up not going What?

[00:05:38] And there’s a lot to unpack in this one statement, and we’re gonna do that today. But I just wanna say before we dive in that I am super excited about this conversation because as I was sketching out what I wanted us to cover together, I realized just there is to say on the subject and there’s more than we can really unpack in a 20 minute episode together.

[00:06:05] And so as I was thinking through this, the more I felt inspired to create something brand new for you. And I will share more about this over the course of the episode, but I do have a brand resource. For you. It will be available on our website and through the link in the show notes. But I’m super excited about this because I think it’s so practical for some of these situations that so many military spouses talk about struggling with.

[00:06:36] It is a conversation cheat sheet. For military spouses, this is for you. Whether you just p c s, you’re trying to get involved in a new organization, you’re trying to network and get back into the job market. It’s the guide that I wish I would have had as a brand new military spouse. And I’ll share more about what’s inside it in just a minute.

[00:07:00] But let’s first lay the foundation for why we need this. Back to the comment. That inspired this episode. I signed up to go to the event because I want friends, but then I ended up not going. What gives? It’s this idea that we want friends, we know we’re lonely, but it’s so hard to actually do the things that help us meet new people, to build those relationships, to get from that awkward first conversation to building an actual friendship.

Wired for Connection

[00:07:33] So the first thing to note is that we don’t want to be lonely. We want community. We as human beings are wired for connection and community. We want to belong to a pact to be a part of something that is bigger than ourselves. The second thing to note is that building community requires us more often than not to get outside our comfort zone.

Why We Struggle to Connect

[00:08:05] And herein lies the problem when our cortisol levels are raised. Meaning when we feel stressed or we have a lot going on, or we’ve gone through a major life change, then we are more likely. To do something that keeps us within our comfort zone. So when we have a lot happening in our life, like when we P C Ss or we’re trying to get settled into a new home, we have a lot of things that have already, I.

[00:08:39] Caused our cortisol levels to be raised that have already created additional stress in our body. And so what we are wanting in that moment is something that feels familiar, something that feels safe, something that keeps us in our comfort zone and going out and meeting new people and expending that energy to do something outside of our comfort zone.

[00:09:05] Takes even more out of us. So that’s hard for us to do when we are in a state of stress when our cortisol levels are raised. So the original question asked, why didn’t I go? Because I know I want friends. I know I might meet a new friend, but. I didn’t go. I don’t understand why. So what is important for us to all keep in mind is that if we are tired or stressed or mentally exhausted or we’ve trying to, if we are surrounded by new stimulus, our body is naturally wired to crave what it knows to crave something that feels safe and familiar.

Strategies for Starting Over Making Friends

[00:09:51] So what does that mean for you and I? Number one, we can just be aware of that fact. And number two, if we are not the new person, if we are the person that is the neighbor that is already there, that is already established, think about. How you and I can be that friend to invite the new neighbor to make it feel a little less awkward.

[00:10:18] If you’re going to an event and you have a new neighbor, invite them because they may not be willing to go to an event where they know absolutely no one. So if you are already established, go be the friend. Go introduce yourself. Take a plate of cookies. Offer yourself as an emergency contact, or just give them your phone number so they feel like they have someone to call or text in case something happens.

[00:10:48] Be a familiar face. Now, let’s say you’ve just moved to a new location where you know, No one and it’s probably going to take getting outside of your comfort zone to actually meet people. Here’s what I want to make sure, you know, you do not have to start with a large event. Kids are wonderful for helping you meet other kids’ parents.

[00:11:19] One of the best places I usually recommend people start is with volunteering. Now, if you have young kids at home, this can be more challenging. But if your kids are older, if they’re out of the house, if they’re in school, then volunteering is a great place to get started meeting people.

Next week we are talking all about volunteering, and I can’t wait for you to hear that conversation. I sit down with two seasoned military spouses who talk about what it looks like to strategically volunteer your way to success, how to develop your skills, how to learn new skills, how to do professional development when you are not working in a career field you want to be in. It is an absolute great conversation and one that I think you will get a lot out of it, especially if you’re trying to figure out what you want to spend your time volunteering.

Overcoming Awkwardness

[00:12:20] But the best place to start, I believe, is volunteering. But putting that aside, let’s say. The fact of the matter is you’re going to go to an event where you don’t already know someone there. Perhaps it’s your first time to go to a spouse, social, or a squadron. Get together and the question is, how can we make these circumstances, these situations a little less awkward.

[00:12:50] The good news is you are in luck. I have created. A conversation cheat sheet for you that is available for download now. So what we’re gonna do in the next few minutes together is I’m gonna walk you through the anatomy of a good conversation, and then I have five quick tips who make that next event a little less awkward.

The Anatomy of a Great Conversation

Mastering The Six C’s for Meaningful Connections

[00:13:15] So first, let’s talk about the six Cs of a good conversation. C initial contact. This is where you make eye contact, you offer your hand, and you introduce yourself. Now, I wanna let you know as we get started that the majority of the content for today came primarily from two books, the Fine Art of Small Talk by Deborah Fine.

[00:13:44] And captivate the Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Edwards. I will have those books linked in the show notes if you want to go check them out, but that’s where I’m getting a lot of the information that we’re going through today. So number one is the initial contact. So a couple of things to note with this is that the advice is to never.

[00:14:06] Skip a handshake. Now, COVID has made this a little more awkward in some situations, but there is science behind this idea. When we have skin to skin touch with someone, our body produces oxytocin, which encourages. Connection. So that handshake actually is encouraging connection. The second piece of the handshake is actually letting people see your hands, because subconsciously when we see someone’s hands, it lets us know that they are not a threat.

[00:14:40] When we can’t see someone’s hand, subconsciously our body registers it as a threat. Just something to keep in mind if you are going to a job interview, let people see your hands. Um, second part of this is eye contact. Now there is science behind eye contact. Eye contact as well, and part of it is how much eye contact we give someone when we do that initial greeting.

[00:15:08] We wanna look somebody in the eye, but how much eye contact to you give someone the science says. Roughly 60 to 70% of the time give eye contact. No, you don’t have to be this exact, but I sometimes find these facts fascinating. So for those of you who also find this fascinating, I’m gonna go ahead and share it.

[00:15:32] And then that last piece, that third piece of the initial contact is making an effort to remember somebody’s name. So you meet them, you ask their name, say their name. Try to associate it with something so you can remember it, and then, um, ask a question about their name. Do something to help you remember that name.

[00:15:54] So, C number one is initial contact. C Number two is compliment. Encourage them or show appreciation in some way. John Maxwell calls this the triple A treatment. Giving someone your attention, showing appreciation and affirmation. What is something that you can compliment that person? If you know them, then you might know something about them and you can compliment them on that.

[00:16:23] If you are just meeting them for the first time, think about something they’ve done. Um, if they are hosting the event or something about their appearance that you can compliment them on. C number three, use a conversation. Sparker, what is a conversation? Sparker. It is an icebreaker. Something to get the conversation going.

[00:16:49] And the reason we use the term conversation sparker, is because we want it to encourage good conversation, not just, Hey, did you notice the weather today? All of these things that so many people ask about, and we are all guilty of falling into this routine of having the same few questions that we ask people that we don’t know very well.

[00:17:12] How long have you been here? How many places have you been stationed? What’s your favorite duty station? Some of these questions that we ask a lot, but we really want to ask a question that gets people excited and talking. And here’s the science behind this. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is released in the amygdala when we feel pleasure and it helps our memory and information processing.

[00:17:41] And so when you produce dopamine inside a conversation, you both increase the enjoyment of the conversation and the memorability. The conversation novelty makes our brain perk up. It gives us that bump of dopamine. So when you ask a novel question, something that someone isn’t expecting, like, nice to meet you, what was the highlight of your day today?

[00:18:10] It’s not a question that they’re expecting. It has a sense of novel novelty. It gives them a bump of dopamine, which makes you more memorable. Okay. C number four, commonalities. What do we have in common? It’s time to put on your sleuth hat and get curious about what you have in common. One piece of advice was to try to find three things that you have in common with the person that you are talking to.

[00:18:46] So now you have a goal with your conversation. You have made initial contact, you have complimented them, you have used a conversation, sparker, and now you are looking for commonalities that you have with the person. Fifth C of a great conversation is connection. People want to feel connected, so maybe you can offer to help them in some way.

[00:19:14] Is there something I can do to help you? Or connect them with another person. Now, if you have not yet met anyone at the event, this is really hard to do. But let’s say you meet one person and you find out that they are a dog mom and they don’t have any kids, but they love dogs. You meet person number two, and they are also a dog mom, and they also do not have any kids.

[00:19:41] Now you have the opportunity to connect person one and person two. So always as you are meeting people, be looking for what number one you have in common with them, and number two, how you can help them or connect them with someone else. And when you do that, People will remember you for that and be truly grateful that you took the time to connect them with someone else.

[00:20:06] And then the six C is a great conversation, is a close. What is your exit strategy? Find a way to close the conversation. Well, so what can we do to close that conversation? We thank them for their time. We give them a reason that we are closing the conversation, not because you are boring, uh, but let them know why you’re moving on.

[00:20:36] Maybe you say, I need to go grab a drink. I’d like to go find my seat. I promise myself I would meet three new people this evening, whatever it is. Give them an actual reason that you are closing the conversation and then end the conversation with their name. If you practice the anatomy of a great conversation, you’re going to have a lot more fun, meet a lot more people, and feel a less lot less awkward in social situations.

[00:21:09] Now, I went through all of that information. Very quickly, the cheat sheet I have created gives you all of that information plus a whole lot more because it gives you even more conversation components. So we talk about what a conversation sparker is. And several ideas that you can use as a conversation sparker.

[00:21:34] We also cover conversation segues, conversation stories, jump starters, conversation extenders, and we go into a lot greater detail in your exit strategy. So I have examples of each component of a conversation that you can use to pick from when you go to your next event. But before we wrap up today, I felt like it was really important to give you five practical tips that you can use to prepare for your next event.

5 Tips for Reducing Anxiety and Boosting Confidence at Social Events

[00:22:12] Number one is to practice saying hello. Yes, it can be awkward, but you go to the grocery store, or I guess some places you may not have to go to the grocery store anymore, but where we live, commissary has clicked to go, but it’s not fantastic. And so I still usually end up just going to the commissary.

[00:22:36] Plus it’s insanely expensive to go grocery shopping off base here. With that said, wherever you go to the store, so, um, whether that be the post office or you go to Target or you go to the bank or wherever you’re going, practice saying hello to strangers, it will feel awkward at first, but it will feel less awkward in the long run.

[00:23:01] I do wanna caveat here, I’m not giving you these tips because I am an expert at this. I am not. It is still something that I am. Working on, but I know that this information is really good for me, and I know that I hear from so many other spouses that they struggle with the same thing. So I’m giving us all this advice so that we can grow together.

1. Practice Saying Hello

[00:23:26] So number one is practice saying hello. Number two is, remember that. People want to feel seen and heard. So it’s not about showing up, it’s not about saying the right thing. It’s about making others feel seen and heard. And the second thing to remember is that the ability to talk with anyone is a learned skill.

[00:23:55] You can absolutely do this. It’s not something that some people are just extroverts and they have the easiest time making friends. And if you are an introvert, you’re out of, look. This is a learned skill. Anyone can learn the skill, including you. The third tip is to prepare for the event in advance. What does that mean?

[00:24:21] Number one, if you can learn something, try to learn as much information you can about the event before you go. So if you. Need to figure out who the host is or if it, if there’s a way to figure out what people are gonna be there or if there’s someone you need to meet or what type of event, something that gives you a little extra knowledge going in, that’s great.

2. Visualize Yourself at the Event

[00:24:45] The second thing is to mentally prepare to visualize yourself showing up. Visualize yourself, uh, having a conversation. Visualize the discomfort you might experience and what you are going to do if you experience discomfort.

3. Review the Conversation Guide 

[00:25:16] The third part of preparing for an event is to review your conversation to cheat sheet. So look at the conversation sparkers, look at the segue options, look at your closing options. Pick a few things that you are going to take with you to the event. I’m going to remember these five things that I can ask someone. If you take a few moments to have a few questions in your back pocket, you’re going to feel more confident, more prepared, and less anxious about going to an event where you know absolutely no one.

4. Show Up

[00:25:51] The fourth tip is to show up. When you show up at the event. Be present. Be curious. Look for the good. Take a risk, because remember, if you feel uncomfortable, if you feel scared going to an event. Chances are someone else there feels the exact same way. So if we can remember that, others may feel scared to approach someone they don’t know, even if they’ve already been there for a while and they feel uncomfortable because they still don’t feel like they’re connected.

[00:26:33] You can take a risk and you might be the difference that that person needs, and a friendship may come out of that. And then the last piece of showing up is just to remember to make others feel seen and known. That’s what really will stick with people. Whether you made someone feel seen and known, it’s not what you say, it’s not having the right words. It’s how you make people feel.

5. Make the First Move

[00:27:02] And then last but not least, make the first move. Remember other people feel scared too. So smile. Look for someone that looks approachable. And then go up and offer your name, and now you can launch into your six Cs of a great conversation. So how can you make going to an event where you know no one, a little less awkward practice saying, hello.

[00:27:33] Remember, this is a skill you can learn, prepare for the event ahead of time, show up at the event and make the first. Move. All right guys. I hope this helps make your transition to a new location, your next group event, a little less awkward, and that it truly helps you build connection. Make a few friends and find community right where you are.

Your Comprehensive Milspouse Conversation Guide

[00:28:02] Don’t forget. Go download that conversation cheat sheet where we go through the six Cs of a great conversation, bonus tips, your connection scorecard, a few other conversation memory aids, and a few bonus tips to help you not just meet people, but have fun while doing it. If you try any of these, I want to hear about it.

[00:28:30] Send me a DM, pop inside our free Facebook community and let us know how these tips helps you. I can’t wait to be back with you again next week. Like I said, you’re going to love our conversation I’ll about strategic volunteering and professional development when you’re not working in your career field. Until then, may you live filled, fueled, and full of joy.

Download Your Conversation Cheat Sheet and Start Building Connections Today!