Welcome back to the MilSpouse Mastermind Show! I’m so excited to be back with you. Today we are discussing a really common problem I see among military spouses. It’s this idea that we’re trying to be okay with our current location, but we feel like it’s just not working no matter how hard we try.

[00:00:21] We don’t love where we live and it’s not just that things aren’t the way we want them to be. We realize this is affecting our mental health. It’s affecting our relationships. And if you are in this place of thinking, I’m trying so hard to make this work and it’s just not working. What am I missing? Then this episode is for you. 

Do You Love Where You Live?

[00:01:37] Okay. So let me ask you on a scale of one to 10, how would you rate your current assignment location? Do you absolutely love it? And you would give it a 10? Or do you absolutely feed it and you just want to be done today? So give yourself a rating and then ask what factors are contributing to this score.

[00:02:06] Because here’s the truth friends: It is sometimes really easy to blame our location. For the challenges that we’re facing, for how we’re doing mentally, emotionally, physically. 

I don’t want to fully discount the location, because our location can truly affect our mental health. And depending on how you are wired, some locations are simply going to speak more life to your soul. They’re going to be easier for you. And some locations are going to be way more difficult. If you like wide open spaces and living in the country, or if you are a complete city girl, those are going to impact which locations that you really love, weather and climate also play a role.

[00:02:53] Some people absolutely hate being in a location where you are hot all the time. For me, I couldn’t live somewhere where it w where we didn’t get any sun without it really affecting me. The more sun I get, the happier I feel. If we were somewhere where I never saw the sun, I would need all of this sun lamps on my desk.

[00:03:16] I do not do well with long winters or lots of, lots of overcast rainy days. So I want to say location does play a role. But when we think about all of the factors that impact our mental health, there’s usually a lot more factors than just where we live. And the mission of the milspouse mastermind show is to help you get unstuck, find a purpose, and empower you to reclaim your life in dreams.

[00:03:49] So if you are in this place of feeling stuck, if you know that your mental health is being affected. If you feel unhappy and your current location that you’re living seems to be the main thing that’s impacting your mental health. I want to really speak to you today because I know what it’s like to feel isolated, to feel stuck and sad.

[00:04:21] But today, I want to share with you some practical tips that I’ve learned both through my journey as a military girlfriend and spouse over almost 15 years now. And through the time that I have spent studying elements of purpose, and goal setting, and mindset and resiliency. So for some of you, today’s episode is going to be a little bit of tough love, but I want you to recognize that this is coming from a place of love, a place of wanting to see you thrive regardless of your current season of life or your current location.

[00:05:01] When you are in that black hole, when you feel hopeless, it’s super easy to discount what someone is saying. To say, they don’t understand what I’m going through. They don’t have empathy. They can’t understand how I feel. Because you’re in that hole and it’s easy to stay stuck in this cycle of the negative feedback loop.

[00:05:26] And the more that you will look for things, things that confirm what you already think and believe about where you. And you will, unless you do something to break free of that cycle, you’re just going to seek deeper and deeper into that. And for some of you, honestly, the first step to being able to break free from that is to actually go see a counselor or a mental health professional.

[00:05:57] Sometimes we just need some medication to help us get to the other side of it. If you feel like you’re drowning, do not be afraid to go ask for help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting the help that you need. I’m not going to solve all of our issues today, but my goal for today is to help us realize that each of us have a choice.

You Have A Choice

[00:06:27] You can choose to embrace what you have today. You can choose to ask for help, or you can choose to stay stuck. The life you have today may not be the life you dreamed of. You may not have the resources available to you that you dreamed of having in your life. It may not be the perfect place to raise a family.

[00:06:57] It may not be the perfect place to pursue your favorite hobbies. It may not be the perfect place to give you all of the foodie culture you want or the nightlife you want or the, uh, festivals or whatever it is that really just lights you up and brings you joy. That may not be available where you are in your current season of life, but embracing the life you have today is possible.

4 Steps to Embrace What We Have Today

[00:07:25] Not the life you dreamed of, but life as it exists today, and it comes down to four basic steps. We have to number one, acknowledge what is. We choose to embrace what we have today. Number three, we understand that fulfillment comes from something outside of us. And number four, we choose to step into our story and craft a life with purpose.

[00:07:51] Now that’s very big picture, but what I want to do today is talk about what does that look like? Practically? What are the practical steps we can take to embrace the life we have today? So in the next few minutes, I’m going to give you seven things that I’ve learned through all of my reading and research, and just lived life as a military spouse who has lived in several locations, around the country and around the world.

Every Assignment Is What You Make Of It

[00:08:21] And I have seen all of these elements that go in to learning to love where we live, even if it’s not somewhere we would have chosen. The first one, and it is the most basic, but this is what I will always tell people is that ultimately every assignment comes down to it being what you make of it.

[00:08:46] There are locations that have tons of activities in their locations where the weather is not ideal and where there’s not lots of activities, but at the end of the day, it is what you make of it. Now, I know that’s easier said than done, but here’s why I noticed. When I met my husband, he was already active duty.

[00:09:09] And so when we got married, I already had my friend group, my job. Everything that I needed. I was already set in that location. And so the first time that we moved together as a married couple was to a small base in the middle of nowhere where I literally could not find a job because I was not bilingual.

[00:09:31] And so this was my first real duty station as a military spouse. And, you know, I really struggled at first because I was like, I’m away from my friends. I’ve had to give up my job. I’ve had to give up all of the volunteer organizations that I was a part of. I have given up everything to follow this man that I love.

[00:09:54] And I’m not driving here. It’s like, I don’t love anything about this location. It doesn’t have any of the things that really light me up and bring me joy. And so I kind of moped around for several months saying this isn’t what I want. You know, I’m not loving this. And then I made the choice to make the most of what I had right there.

[00:10:18] And I can tell you amazing things that I got to do during that assignment. Amazing people that I connected with. Opportunities that I had when I chose to embrace what it was for what it was. Would I love to live there today? Probably not, but I have really great memories because I chose to embrace where I lived.

Transitions are Hard

[00:10:41] So I’ve been there friend. I’ve been in this place where I don’t love this. This doesn’t have all of the things that I’m used to being able to do that. Bring me joy. And I’m going to choose to make this work for me in this. The second thing I want to tell you is that all transitions are hard. Whether it’s moving to a different location, that’s unfamiliar.

[00:11:07] Whether it’s a major life event that you’re going through, whether it’s just leaving all your friends and getting isolated transitions are hard. If you have always been close to your family and you are now far away from them. And this is the first time that you’ve done that that’s going to be a big transition. 

[00:11:28] For me, when I moved off to college, I never went back home. I went to college in a different state than my family. So I had already gone through that transition of moving away from my family. So when I got married, and we moved to our new location as a military spouse that was one transition. I was moving away from a lot of things that I had known, but it wasn’t everything I had already made that transition to move away from family.

[00:11:58] If this is your first time, if you are new military spouse, you may be going through a lot of these transitions at the same time. So it’s not just one transmission. It can be a lot of transitions. Another example is becoming a new mom. Everything that I did before becoming a new mom, the hobbies that I did, the ways that I volunteered, the job experiences that I had, those all changed when I became a mom.

[00:12:28] And that was a big, big transition for me. And. Uh, you can go back to some of the other episodes where I talk about losing myself in motherhood and in the frequent news. If you have had specific hobbies and activities that you’re involved in and you become a new mom, a lot of those shifts, at least for the short term, because you are so focused on taking care of another human being.

[00:12:56] If you are, you know, stationed somewhere stateside and you move overseas to a different culture where you don’t have all of the things that you’re familiar with, you can’t run down the street and go to target. Starbucks or, you know, just the things that you’re super familiar with that feel comfortable to you.

[00:13:13] If you are outside of the familiar, that’s going to be a big transition and it takes some adjustment. If you’re away from, if you’re used to having a bunch of conveniences, um, like grocery pickup or, um, things Amazon today, prime, whatever those conveniences that you regularly use, and then you don’t have those anymore.

[00:13:38] That’s a big transition. And if you are at a location that is requiring you to experience a lot of these transitions all at the same time, that’s a really big. So I just want to say that transitions are hard and it does take the adjustment period. So we just have to recognize that this isn’t necessarily going to be easy.

[00:14:03] So number one, it is what you make of it, but transitions are hard. And if you are going through multiple transitions at the same time, that is even before. So, what do we do if we find ourselves at this place, we’ve gone through a bunch of transitions and all of these pieces are beginning to impact our mental and emotional health and wellbeing.

1.    Embrace New Hobbies

[00:14:27] Well, I want to encourage you to do five things. Number one, embrace new. This is your chance to try something completely new. You may not be a water person, but you can get out there and at least try a water sport. If you are living somewhere with a lot of water and you are a mountain person, let’s say, or is you have always gone out and gone to festivals and events prior to having kids.

[00:14:59] Now you have a new baby and you’re like, I can’t do this anymore. I want to encourage you to find a new hobby that works for your current season of life. When I had kids, all of my activities and hobbies and how I was used to showing up and serving had to shift. And like I said, it wasn’t easy, but I eventually kept trying new things until I figured out what hobbies I could do that worked for my current season.

[00:15:29] I started doing more things that I could do from home. So yes, I have always loved spending time in coffee shops, but that wasn’t necessarily practical with a couple of young babies around. So I started reading more books. I started blogging. I started doing some things that I hadn’t really spent a lot of time doing before and that, and it took some trial and error.

[00:15:54] I’m not going to say it doesn’t take some effort, but you can find new hobbies based on where you’re currently living or even things that aren’t dependent on, where you’re living. So number one, embrace new hobbies. 

2.    Find Purpose

Number two, find purpose. We talk a lot at milspouse mastermind about how fulfillment comes from contributing to something outside yourself.

[00:16:23] When you focused on yourself, you’re not going to find meaning, you’re not going to find purpose. You’re not going to find fulfillment, or happiness, or joy. It has to be in something outside of yourself. So if you are not currently finding some way to serve and bless and give to others outside of yourself, then you’re going to get more into this negative cycle.

[00:16:49] You’re going to be focused on yourself and you’re going to become more and more unhappy. So fulfillment comes when we find a way to serve others outside of ourself. I know that is difficult with young kids, but like my next door neighbor, she found a volunteer opportunity that allows her to bring her toddler with her.

[00:17:10] And so she has found a way to give back with young kids at home. So it’s going to look different for each of us, but you have to find a way to serve others, to find a purpose outside of yourself. 

3.    Find Community

The third thing is to find community. I know it can be challenging and it can take a lot of putting yourself outside of your comfort zone and being the one to take the active role in developing relationships and building friendships.

[00:17:42] And I know when you don’t have that reciprocated. It can get discouraging. And when you feel isolated, the last thing you want to do is go be social, but you almost have to just force yourself. Hey, I don’t want to go. I would rather sit at home tonight in my comfy PJ’s and I’m going to make the choice to get out and go to that thing.

[00:18:03] Every time I can psych myself out of it and say, I’m really comfy. I’ll just sit here on the couch, especially if I’m in a place where I’m not in the healthiest headspace. But every time I make the choice to go out and do something and spend time with people. I’m so grateful that I did it because we all need community.

[00:18:24] It’s one of our three fundamental needs is our connection bucket. And if we don’t have a sense of community, life is going to feel off. So you have to force yourself sometimes to get outside of your comfort zone, to go out and. The friendships to take the initiative, to be the friend first and find your.

4.    Figure Out What Brings Joy In Your Current Season

[00:18:49] The fourth suggestion I have for you is to figure out what brings you joy in your current season, not based on what you used to do that brought you joy or what you know that you like to do. And this is kind of similar to finding new hobbies, but really what those things are that just bring you life, that light you up, that bring you joy and add more of that in.

[00:19:18] One of the biggest transitions was after I had my third child and just under four years and four moves at the same time. So I was, you know, how a lot of transition and I had kind of lost myself in the process. And so I needed to figure out what it was that could bring me joy in my current season of life.

[00:19:37] And that’s really the time I discovered podcasting. And I started listening to podcasts as I was folding laundry, as I was taking the kids for a walk. In the car. When I was driving them to activities, I could listen to a podcast and that podcast spoke life to my soul. It brought me joy and that was a big transition.

[00:19:59] I got out of my own head, out of my way. And I started finding the things that worked for me in that season. 

5.    Give Yourself A Goal

The last thing is to give yourself a goal. Towards now we’ve been talking all through January and we talked about setting goals and why it’s important for you as a military spouse and how to actually set goals that work for your life.

[00:20:24] If you don’t have a goal that you were working towards, it’s easy just to feel like you’re making it through life. But if you have something that you. Towards it gives you a reason to get up in the morning, something that you were trying to achieve. So it can be a big goal, a little goal, but just the act of setting a goal and working towards accomplishing that goal helps pull you out of yourself and help you embrace the life you have today.

What You Can Do When You Don’t Love Where You Live

[00:20:53] So understand that ultimately this comes down to every location is what you make of it. Transitions are. But you have a choice today. You have the choice to raise your hand and say, I need help. Tell someone that you’re struggling. You have the choice to start making a change, to choose, to pull yourself out of this cycle, or you have the choice to stay stuck.

[00:21:26] If you choose to pull yourself out, here’s some easy ways to say. Embrace a new hobby that works where you’re at find purpose outside of yourself. Find community, even one other person, not somebody that’s going to sit there and complain with you, but somebody that you can encourage one another equip each other.

[00:21:52] Try to. Build each other up in her mind, each other, that you are not alone. There are so many of us that have walked this path for so many years and whatever you’re going through right now, somebody has already been through, if you are not a part of any community, I just want to tell you to stop what you’re doing right now.

[00:22:15] Go jump inside the millspouse mastermind community on Facebook. It’s a free. To help you thrive as a military spouse to say, Hey, this is where I’m struggling. Where can I get the resources and support I need to take my next step. You can go to a milspousemastermind.com/community. And that will take you right now.

[00:22:38] The next thing is to figure out what brings you joy for your current season and add that into your life. Something as simple as turning on some fun music, when you are cooking dinner in the kitchen, that can just hope pull you out of focusing on the negative. Allow yourself, things that bring you joy, doing something as simple as a morning.

[00:23:00] Gratitude practice has done wonders for me. I’ll link the episode below in the show notes where I talk about the five minute practice that transformed my life, but that’s a simple way to add more joy into your daily life and then give yourself a goal to work towards. This is the path to beginning to reclaim your life and dreams.

[00:23:24] I spent so many years trying different things, figuring out what didn’t work, getting frustrated, researching, believing that the right location was going to solve my problems. The right job, the right assignment was going to bring me fulfillment was going to. My marriage and the truth was I had everything I needed to start building a life I loved right there.

[00:23:49] And so if this is one of your first assignments, if you are a new military spouse, I want to just encourage you to embrace the journey and begin choosing purpose right now. And over the next few weeks, we’re going to dig into this concept of purpose in greater detail. What is purpose? How do you find it?

[00:24:12] How do we craft a life with purpose? but for now, and if you are wanting to get a head start on this and you’re like, yes, I know I need to get outside myself. To reclaim my life and dreams. I want to find and pursue purpose in my current season. Milspouse purpose playbook is there for you. It’s a step-by-step guide to reclaim your life and dreams, to discover who you’re meant to be, and to fully embrace and make the most of where you are.

[00:24:45] But if you’re not there right now, just keep listening to this podcast. We’re going to talk through these elements of what it looks like to craft a life with purpose. My hope for you is that something I said spoke to you today, if you were in this place where you’re feeling so discouraged and you think it’s the location that you’re at, and you’re just wishing for something to change, the one you to remember that you always have.

[00:25:14] I love you. I’m cheering you on. And I pray that you have an amazing week learning to live filled, fueled and full of joy. I’ll see you next week.