Christine: [00:00:00] He friends. I am so excited to be back with you for another episode of the MilSpouse mastermind Show. I just looked at my calendar and it’s kind of crazy to think that Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away. And I don’t know what you usually do around Thanksgiving , what your plans are, but I felt like we are really into the thick of planning for the holidays now, and that can feel a little bit overwhelming. I started thinking about all the things that we do to prepare for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And this year with the supply chain being jacked up, like it is, there’s just this added pressure to get everything done and get it done in the right timeframe.

And then we’re looking ahead to all of the holiday parties and squadron things and things that we feel like we have to attend and things that we don’t really want to be a part of… All the things we want to do, but we were not sure we [00:01:00] have time for. And so I thought today would be a really great day to talk about setting boundaries.

Why setting boundaries are so important for our lives and how we can go about putting some boundaries in place that will help us be able to enjoy the coming days and weeks, and really set us up for the longterm. My goal for you over the next few weeks is to give you some really practical tools and resources to help you navigate this time of year, because I want you to be able to be present with the people that you care most about, to enjoy this time of year and to stop feeling pulled in so many directions and wind up in this place of overwhelm and exhaustion and limping to the end of the year. So let’s talk about how we determine how we spend our time, who gets to decide what goes on our plate, and how to navigate this season of should dos, must [00:02:00] dos and being voluntold that we need to do. So, what do you say let’s dive into this episode together?

Are you tired of putting your own dreams and plans on hold? Do you feel stuck waiting for some future season to chase your. You and my friend were made for more, more than the managing of schedules, keeping up with kiddos and holding down the home front. Hi, I’m Christine, a military spouse of over 10 years, mom of littles and coffee connoisseur. I’m here to help you navigate life as a military spouse, get unstuck and craft a life with purpose. You have something valuable to offer. And when you pursue the things that light your heart on fire, you trade frustration for fulfillment and isolation for a life of impact. It’s time to discover who you are meant to be because together we can change the world.

Hey friend, before we dive in, [00:03:00] did you know that the mill spouse mastermind community is a free Facebook group for us to talk about how we learn to thrive, to get unstuck and to pursue purpose as military spouses here is where we continue the conversation.

This is not just me talking to you today, but it’s a conversation that we can continue as a group over on Facebook. So if you are not already a part of our community, I would love for you to head over to milspousemastermind.com/community and join the conversation.

All right. Well, let’s start talking about how we set and maintain boundaries in our life. How do we set the criteria for what goes onto our plate and into our schedule so that we don’t wind up feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin and headed towards burnout. That’s not how we want to spend our holiday season. So [00:04:00] why are setting boundaries important? So, the truth is that I say this all the time.

We only have 24 hours in a day. Right. And we can only put so much on our plate. And if we do not prioritize our life and our schedule, somebody else will. If you are not completely 100% intentional with what goes onto your schedule, every body else, everybody else’s requests are going to fill up your schedule and you’re just going to feel like you’re barely surviving.

Like you don’t control your life. And we want to ask ourselves the question, “Am I investing in the right activities, the right activities for me and for my family?” Every time we say yes to something that doesn’t matter to us, we are saying no to something else. When I first heard this, it was such an [00:05:00] eye-opener because I never thought about all the things I was unintentionally saying no to when I said yes to, to the opportunity in front of me. By saying yes to the thing that someone is asking you to do that you don’t care about, you may be unintentionally say no to time with your spouse or a time with your kiddos, or you may wind up finding yourself in this place where you feel overwhelmed and frustrated and wondering why you don’t feel like you’re in control of your own life.

This matters so much more as we get closer to the holidays, because there is so many more things trying to go onto our plate, and we really don’t have any more time in our schedule. So what do we do about?

Well, what I want to do today is give you a framework to help you think through your time and set the boundaries that are right for you. So what we’re going to walk through today [00:06:00] is five steps to help you set boundaries and to keep what matters on your plate and to prevent what doesn’t matter from going on and filling up your time and your schedule.

The first thing we can do to help our set boundaries and protect our time and our schedule is to know what matters most. We have to get really clear on what we want, how we want to spend our time, how we want to show up and what matters most to us. Now we’ve talked about this before, but the three big things that I want each of you to do, if you have not already done.

So is number one, figure out what your core values. What are the things that light you up and that are important to you? Number two, began to set growth goals, goals that will lead you to how you want to show up and who you want to [00:07:00] be goals that are going to fill you and fuel you and help you become who you were meant to be, and to make the impact that you are meant to make.

And then number three, get clear on how you pursue clarity of purpose. If we do not have purpose in our life, then we will feel unfulfilled. We will feel overwhelmed. We will still feel stretched too thin and pulled in all directions.

So the three big things that we need to understand are: what are our values? What are we setting goals and how are we wanting to show up? And what kind of things are we doing to pursue? So once we’re clear on what we want, the vision that we want for our life, then we have to evaluate everything that is currently on our schedule. One of the most helpful things you can do is just to make a list of everything that has to happen in a given week.

What’s on your plate right now? And then ask yourself the question, [00:08:00] “Is it necessary?” Some things are going to be absolutely necessary and some things are not going to be necessary. They’re just things that you do. If it’s not necessary, then ask yourself, is there a better or easier way to do this?

Actually, even if it is necessary, that’s a great question to ask. Is there a better or easier way to do this? Can I outsource this is someone in my family able to help me with this project? Does it need to happen right now?

So number one, know what matters most. Number two, evalutate your schedule, and number three, eliminate the excess. If there are things that are not necessary or that can be put off until a future time or season, or that are distracting you from the things that are important to you, then let’s take a break, push them off your plate. [00:09:00] Eliminate excess. We really want to make this a part of how we show up day in and day out looking at what’s on our schedule, what’s on our calendar and making time for what matters most.

And that part of that is taking the excess off of our plate. So now we know what max. We’ve evaluated our schedule and we’ve eliminated the unnecessary in excess, or we’ve pushed off until a future season. Like, look at your schedule. What are the things that you have that you’re thinking about that are getting stuck?

I know we all have these things that we think we should be doing. And so they play on this to-do list in our mind and they take up their brain space, but we just don’t have time to get to them. So what would it look like to say, “let me table this until January until after the holidays. Is this something that I can put [00:10:00] off to a future season now that we’ve eliminated the excess?”

Our fourth step is to determine our priorities in this season. I talked about this in episode 43. When I talked about my real life recap to bring the MilSpouse Purpose Playbook to life, because I knew I had to devote so much more time and energy to working on the MilSpouse purpose playbook. And that meant that so many other things needed to take a back seat in that season.

So I want you to look at your calendar, to look at your schedule and to say. What are my priorities in this season? What are my must dos in this season? And then let everything else take a back seat. Step number five is to develop a criteria for what you will say yes to. So I’m going to give you a couple of [00:11:00] questions that you can ask yourself to help you start to develop the criteria that works for you.

That will determine what you say yes to in this season and what you say. Now, when we talk about our highest contribution, which is this concept that I’ve taken from the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown, but he talks about how we make our highest contribution, which comes down to three things. And I think these are a great foundation for our starting point for asking questions.

Our highest contribution comes from the right thing. The right reason and the right time or season. So when we talk about the right thing, is this the thing I should be doing the right reason? Why am I doing. And right time or season, do I have the margin and space to say yes to this [00:12:00] right now, when we talk about establishing this criteria and analyzing whether we’re going to say yes to the thing we’re being asked to do, the first thing is to start with right time or season.

Do I have the margin and space to say yes to this. Because once, you know, your calendar, you know how much margin you have, you know how much time you have in your schedule that isn’t already spoken for. So do you have the space to say yes? Or if you say yes to this thing, does that mean something else needs to move off your schedule?

So is this the right time or season to say yes? Number two, is this the right reason? Why am I doing this? Am I just doing this because of what everyone expects me to do or what others will [00:13:00]think, or am I doing this because it’s a good thing. Is it making an impact? Is it something that I care about? Is it going to have a positive benefit to me doing this? Why am I doing this now? We’re all going to have our own reasons for why we say yes or no to something, but I want you to at least think about why you say yes or no to the scene in, are you doing this for the right reason? And then the third piece is the right thing. Is this the right thing to do?

Now this one is where you really have to figure out what criteria works for you. I will give you five sample questions that you can ask yourself. Now, these are not the end all be all of asking questions, because you’re going to have to determine what works for you and what you care about. But I just want to give you five simple questions that you can ask yourself to determine is [00:14:00] this the right thing?

Number one. It’s does this light me up or is it fueling me or is it draining to me? Number two, does this help me grow? Is this furthering my personal growth or learning new skills or is it helping me develop as a person? Number three, is this making an impact? What is this doing? Is there a positive outcome that comes from this activity?

What difference am I making, if any? Number four, does this lead me to who I want to be? Is this something that is aligning with who I want to be and how I want to? And number five, going along with this is, does this align with my growth goals, how I am wanting to grow in how I am wanting to serve and [00:15:00] show up.

So let’s take a couple of examples and talk through them together. Okay. So let’s say you get asked to make cookies for the. Annual cookie drop that goes on at your installation. So number one, look at your schedule. Do you have the time and margin to make cookies? Maybe? Maybe no, if you do not have time, do not feel obligated to make cookies.

In fact, you can go to the commissary and buy some cookies and donate them and call it good if you have the resources to do so. If you do not have the resources, then you should definitely not feel obligated to participate. Do you have the margin and space to say yes? Is this the right time or season? Is this the right reason? Take some time, ask yourself, why am I participating? Because I [00:16:00]want to bless single airman or because my neighbor is baking so many cookies and I feel like I should be baking cookies because everybody else on my street is baking cookies? Take some time to ask yourself why you’re saying yes or no.

And then is this the right thing? Does baking. If yes, then go for it. Get used your skills, your master baking skills to bless other people. If you absolutely hate to bake, then maybe it’s not the right thing for you. Or maybe you can come up with another way to participate or maybe you don’t participate at all and that’s okay.

Does this help you go? Is this helping you in your personal develop? Maybe not. Does it make an impact? Absolutely. This is blessing other people. This is blessing people who are away from their families, [00:17:00] probably for the holiday. So yes, it might make an impact. Does it lead you to who you are? Well, if you want to be known as someone who shows up and serves others, then maybe that helps you in your pursuit of your goals.

If, if this goes back to why you’re doing it, if you’re doing it because you feel obligated or jealous or any other negative emotion, then maybe participating is not leading you to who you want to be. And does this align with your growth? Again, this is different for each of us, but it’s important to think through these things so that we can show up as the people who want to show up and set the right boundaries for us.

Let’s take another example. You get asked to help plan the holiday party for your school. Well, again, let’s talk through this. [00:18:00] Do you have time and space to say yes and your calendar? This is the question. Number one, if you say yes, and you do not have time, then you are by default saying no to something else you are saying no to perhaps maintaining your health and your sanity or spending time with your spouse or your kiddos.

So, first of all, you have to know what’s on your plate. And if you have the margin in spaces, Then evaluate why you’re doing it. And whether that reason is a reason enough for you to do it and then say, Hey, I’m being asked to do this thing. Does this light me up? Help me grow. Does it help others make a difference, make an impact?

Does it lead me to who I want to be in how I want to show up and does it align with my group? So by talking yourself through each of these steps, you’ll have a better idea of what you should be [00:19:00]saying yes to, and what you should be saying about. So let’s recap real quick together. So we have to know what matters most to us.

We have to know our values, what, how we’re pursuing clarity of purpose in the season and how we’re pursuing and what growth goals we’re pursuing. Then we have to get clear. What our schedule looks like, evaluate our schedule and say, what’s on my plate. What’s necessary. What can I push off to another season?

How much margin and space do I have right now? Am I prioritizing the things that matter most? So we’re going to then eliminate the things that don’t need to be on our plate right now. We’re eliminating the access. Then we are. Determining our priorities in this season, what are the most important things that need to get done?

What matters most to our family and how can we prioritize that before or an over anything else? [00:20:00] And then number five, we determined the criteria for what we will say yes to, and we’ll ask ourselves these questions. Is it the right time or season? Am I doing this for the right thesis? Am I doing this for the right reason.

And is this the right thing for me now? Bonus tip. I want you to make sure you understand that thing. No. Is it easy? It’s one thing to set boundaries. It’s entirely another thing to be able to maintain and enforce those boundaries. And we have to choose to see boundaries as liberating to go continually remind ourselves that saying yes to something means saying no to something else and think about by saying yes to this thing.

What am I saying no to, and remember that it takes courage. To say no, sometimes it’s not easy when you feel pressured [00:21:00] or that everyone else around you is saying yes. And so you feel like, you should say yes to the thing because everyone around you is saying, yes, this is probably going to take some practice.

That’s why we’re talking about it now, because it is a skill and it’s a skill that we can all develop and cultivate in our lives. No, you may not be the most popular person if you say no, but you will gain respect for your willingness to set and enforce those. Again, I would say we really have to have an understanding of the opportunity, cost the value of what we are giving up, because if we don’t understand what we were giving up, then it’s really, really easy to fall into the trap of telling ourselves we can do it all that we’ll just hustle and get it [00:22:00] all.

But as I want to tell you over and over again, hustle and grind is not the answer. The answer to living filled, fueled and full of joy starts when we prioritize rest and healthy inputs so that we can have healthy outfits. We cannot do it all. We can do the things that matter most to us. The real question is who gets to choose what we do and what we don’t do.

So I am excited to continue this conversation. Over in the MilSpouse mastermind community on Facebook. I want to know where you struggle to set boundaries, especially when it comes to the holidays and meet, ask to do all the things on top of, you know, an already crazy season of life where there’s so much more.

That we feel pressured to [00:23:00] participate into, uh, decorate for, to, you know, buy gifts. And there’s so much to love about that season and all of the extra that comes with it. And so much that has the potential to stress us out. So I really want to have this conversation. Okay. What, where and why we struggled to set boundaries and what we can do to do a better job of setting boundaries in our life so that we don’t reach this place of stress and overwhelm and burnout.

If you found this conversation helpful or meaningful in some way, I would love, love, love for you to share about this episode, this podcast, with three people in your life, you can go share it in your social media stories tag me, and I would love to hear what you found meaningful today. You can talk to your neighbors, talk to your friends, just help us get the message out about [00:24:00] MilSpouse mastermind show, because it is my deepest desire to serve you well. And they, the more that you tell me what blesses you, what you want to hear about, the more that I can create content for you. So. I hope you have an amazing week this week and that you live filling filled fuel.

Hey friend, before you go, theMilSpouse mastermind community is here to help you thrive as a military spouse, figuring out what lights your heart on fire and equip you to create a life of impact. You can have an incredible impact simply by heading over to iTunes to subscribe and leave a review. And if today’s episode was meaningful to you, I know it will be for others to spread the word by taking a screenshot of this episode and share it to your stories so we can continue to reach more people change more lives and shift the [00:25:00] way that military spouses look at life because we are better together and together we can change the world.

Let’s do it.