[00:00:00] Hey guys! Welcome back to another episode of the Milspouse Mastermind Show. Today, we’re diving into a little bit of a controversial topic. I’m probably going to give you a little bit of tough love, but I’ve seen this happen over and over again. And it’s so important to talk about.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally understand where you’ve been. I’ve been in the same exact spot and we’re going to talk about it today. What happens when we get the assignment we don’t love. We got orders to where?!?! Or maybe you got to an assignment and you thought you were going to love it. And you just don’t. What do we do about it? And how can we make the most of it? So let’s dig into the topic of the duty station you don’t love.

All right. Before we dig into this topic, I just want to remind you that I want to hear from you. Send me an email or a DM. Let me know what you want to talk about on this show, because after all, this is the show for you. And I want to make sure that we are creating content that meets your needs. That answers the questions that are in the back of your head. So if you are struggling in some areas, you want to have an honest conversation about a particular topic.

[00:02:12] You want to know how other spouses are handling something or you just need more encouragement and inspiration. Let me know. Is it about making friends at your assignment? If it’s home organization for your 1950s base housing? Wait that’s me. Or you just want to figure out how to figure out what it is that you were meant to do. What lights you up, how do you chase a dream with this crazy life that we call the military lifestyle? You’re not exactly sure what you have to offer. Maybe it’s that you just want to stop feeling overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. What do you want us to talk about? Send me an email, christine@milspousemastermind.com, or you can DM me on Instagram @milspousemastermind. I want to hear from you. So now let’s dig into this topic.

Can I really thrive here at this assignment? Because Christine, I hate it here and I’m just waiting for the next assignment. I’m waiting for us to get orders. I’m waiting for us to move.

[00:03:21] The problem is we have this approach to too many things. I’m waiting to figure out my thing until a later date, I’m waiting to pursue my dreams. I’m waiting until the kids are in school. I’m waiting, I’m waiting, I’m waiting. And all that time, we’re getting more frustrated. We are feeling more and more overwhelmed because we’re not actually pursuing that life of purpose.

[00:03:50] We’re not growing toward who we’re meant to be. We’re just allowing ourselves to get more disconnected from the person that longs to live inside of us. Now, I totally get it. I’ve been there.

So let’s talk about how we handle this unwanted location assignment. Is it possible to really thrive when you don’t love where you’re living?

[00:04:19] We all know that certain assignments are more desirable than others. There are certain places that a lot of people want to be, and certain places that very few people want to be. Now, what assignment that you particularly love is going to depend on your situation. So you may want a certain location because of the schools or the job market or proximity to family. Or opportunities for your kids or the ops tempo.

[00:04:45] I have friends that have wanted specific assignments simply because they knew their spouse was not going to deploy as much as other locations. Some people want to go to another country and experience a different culture. Some people hate that and don’t want to be far from home.

[00:05:09] So what assignment is the perfect assignment for you is going to depend on you and your family and your values. But even though each of us have different criteria for what we want out of an assignment, that doesn’t mean we always get what we want. So what do we do when we get that assignment that we did not want.

[00:05:33] I can speak to this because that was my story. I’ve talked about how I really didn’t want to marry someone in the military. And honestly, my biggest fear was getting stationed in a small town without a lot of job prospects. I grew up in a major city. I obviously had my career path in my head and I had no desire to live anywhere that didn’t involve that hustle and bustle.

So we got married and my husband had already been in for a few years and had moved around, but because he was stationed where I was living at the time, getting married, didn’t change a lot for me. I already had a job that I was established in. I already had my friend group and my community.

[00:06:21] I had that strong support system when he deployed. I was content with my life. But not quite two years after we got married, he got orders to a new duty station. And that honestly turned my world upside down. He called me at work one day to tell me that we were moving to a small town in the middle of nowhere.

[00:06:45] And to be honest, I started crying in the middle of the office. I ended up just having to leave work and go home that day. Now he quickly learned that that’s not the best way to break news to your wife. But it was not an assignment that I was excited about. We would be living hours away from any major city, hours away from Target or Starbucks or Hobby Lobby or any of those memes that you see. Which one could you do without? You can do without all of them. I can tell you from experience.

[00:07:15] To make matters worse with this particular assignment, it was going to be almost impossible to find a job in my career field unless I was bilingual, which I was not. So to be honest,  it was the first time since turning 16 that I didn’t have a job.

[00:07:41] I struggled with that loss of identity, from what I did. I was in an unfamiliar place where I didn’t really know anybody and I really struggled. And to be honest with you, my husband struggled as well because he knew I was struggling and that made him feel guilty about having me come with him to this location .

[00:08:09] And so I kind of got sucked into this negative thought spiral and I was trying to figure out how to navigate my world being completely turned upside down. It didn’t make matters easier when we found out that the house that we bought, the internet service provider was like, oh, it’s going to be two years before we can get internet to your house.

[00:08:35] And I was like, where have you taken me? So I’m fighting this battle with this internet provider. Cause I’m like, no, you’re not going to keep me without internet for two years. This is the 21st century. But the point is I wasn’t thriving and it was negatively affecting those around me. I was letting myself wallow in self-pity and that wasn’t serving anyone.

[00:09:03] No, it wasn’t all bad. Slowly. I started meeting people and making friends and finding some side jobs. I was writing my thesis for school. So I was starting to find some things to do, but I think the big catalyst for me to change, if I had to point to one thing, was this chance that I had to go with my husband to school for a TDY.

[00:09:30] And while they, while I was there, I heard two people speak that really got my attention and made me reflect on how I was approaching things. My mindset towards where we were doing. The first one was motivational speaker, Dan Clark, of Chicken Soup for the Soul. I can’t tell you what he said that day, but it was something along the lines of you get to choose what you do with today.

[00:10:04] Whatever he said that day, it was exactly the thing that I needed to hear at the time to really shake me out of my cycle of self-pity. Focused on what I was doing and that I was in control of what I did with my days. The second was hearing Susie Schwartz. She’s the wife of, then the air force chief of staff Norton Schwartz.

[00:10:35] And she spoke about her desire to have a career. The challenges navigating life in the Air Force at a time when everyone around her was a stay at home wife or a mom, and how she really learned to navigate that time period to find her own thing in each season. Make the most of all of those situations, And these two speakers finally woke me out of this idea of feeling sorry for myself.

[00:11:10] And I decided to really start to lean into the idea that every duty station is what you make of it. You can choose to let yourself be frustrated. To be overwhelmed, to focus on the negative, to wait for time to pass until the next duty station until it’s time to move, or you can choose to make the most of your every day and really find something to love about whatever duty station are.

[00:11:47] So I did a complete 180 and I started volunteering for the city. I got involved in the spouses’ club on base. I joined the chamber of commerce. I even opened a coffee shop because the town didn’t have one. I joined a leadership committee to learn about how to positively impact the city for good. I became a key spouse.

[00:12:15] And well, I will say I did way too many things, and I way over committed, but honestly, that completely transformed my experience. And my memories from our time at that location. And when it came time for us to leave, yes, I was excited about being in a real city, again, being near a Target, about more restaurant options and city life.

[00:12:44] But there were a lot of opportunities and people that I was also really sad to say goodbye to. And what I learned through that is that every duty station ultimately comes down to what you make of it. It’s way too easy to get caught in a negative spiral. And honestly, the longer that you’re in the military life, it’s easy to just say, oh, there’ll be a next assignment.

[00:13:17] It’ll be better then. I’ll hold off getting involved. I’ll hold off getting committed or making friends or even hanging the pictures on the wall because I just want something different. But here’s what I’m going to tell you, it’s that at the end of the day, it ultimately comes down to mindset. You get to choose whether you get by or whether you thrive.

[00:13:44] So you know what Dan Clark and Suzie Schwartz did for me. I want to offer that to you too. To really speak life into making the most of your everyday. Go ahead, make the friendships, take the opportunity. Hang the pictures on the wall. Make this place. And I think perhaps this message is even more important right now than it ever has been before we’ve had this year of COVID and it has negatively affected so much of our mental and emotional health without a doubt we were made for connection and community.

[00:14:29] And so many of the programs and opportunities to connect with others either didn’t happen this last year or they happened in a virtual setting. And while virtual connection, I think is way better than no connection at all. It’s not the same thing as being in physical proximity with one another. So many of us have been unable to travel, to see friends and family, to be able to take a vacation or get a break from our kids.

[00:15:01] And all of that has affected our health and our wellbeing. We have to recognize this take stock of where you’re at and how you’re struggling. It’s okay to struggle because we all do. It has impacted our health. There’s no denying that, but you do have a say in how you show up and how you look at life and how you want to create a future for yourself and how you want to impact the world around us.

[00:15:39] We don’t get to control our circumstances, but we do get to control what we do with it. You can be a source of life and light for others. You have something inside of you that only you can offer the world, your story, your unique skills and passions. So the question that each of us has to ask ourselves is, are we living as the person we want to be?

[00:16:09] Are we making the most of our every day? Are we choosing to live a life of purpose and impact, or are we just getting by? Are we complaining about how long it’s been since we’ve gotten to travel or do our favorite things. In episode nine, which I’ll link below in the show notes, I talked about this seven part framework to build a life you love, regardless of your circumstances.

[00:16:42] Start by taking an honest assessment of where you’re at. No judgment. Just assess where you’re at. Be honest with how you’re feeling, because each of us has a starting point for me. And that first new duty station, I had a starting point where I recognized where I was at, what I was feeling and how it was negatively impacting me and those around me.

[00:17:12] We can all make progress towards building a life that lights us up and impacts the world for good. We can start to dream again and make the most of whatever circumstances we have. But we have to A) be honest about our starting point. And B) Find a reason to show up.

[00:17:46] I’m where I am today because nine years ago, I made a decision to find a way to embrace the military lifestyle, to find a way to not get totally frustrated and overwhelmed by my circumstances and this life that we were a part of. You know, this is the life that my husband chose, and I chose him, and chose to embrace this life.

[00:18:13] So now this is a part of our relationship as a couple, and now with our kids as part of our family. So what am I going to do with the circumstances that I am. There have been plenty of ups and downs and failures. And mis-starts, lots of trial and error over the last nine years. As I seek to figure out how to do this life well, how to live this life in a way that lights me up and impacts others for good.

[00:18:51] If I hadn’t started that journey nine years ago, I would not be where I am today. And I would not have this passion to help you figure out how to thrive, to find your own thing and to live a life of impact. Victor Frankl, I’ve mentioned him before in the podcast, he was a psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps in world war II and based on his research and his observation of those who basically gave up the will to live and did not survive the concentration camps, versus those who did survive. Out of that came this concept of logotherapy.

[00:19:34] And the idea of logotherapy is that the ultimate desire for us as humans is not happiness, but fulfillment. And fulfillment comes from contributing to something other than ourselves. To having a why that is bigger than us. A reason beyond ourselves to show up. Life is much less about what our circumstances are or even what we do.

[00:20:08] It’s about why we do it and how we show up. So I want to leave you today with four practical tools for embracing whatever duty station you are currently at right now, regardless of how desirable it is.

Number one, if you have not already go back to listen to episode nine, the seven step framework for building a life you love.

[00:20:41] Start workshopping your life and be aware of where you are today and where you want to go in the future. Start taking these baby steps of action. You don’t have to make a major life change. It’s just about workshopping and tweaking the dials on your life to help line you up with what lights you up.

[00:21:11] So number two, find your tribe. You don’t need a huge community, but you need to make sure you’re not isolated. You’re not alone. As a caveat to this, be aware of the people you are surrounding yourself with. Are they people who are spending their time complaining about circumstances about your duty station, about what life looks like today?

[00:21:42] Or are there people that you are around encouraging you to have a positive outlook on. Are they getting involved? Are they embracing and making the most of their situations? It’s been said many times that we become most like the five people we spend the most amount of time with. So examine who are the closest relationships in your life and are they spending time with them?

[00:22:14] Is that bringing a little life to your soul. Do you leave interactions with them feeling more joy, more filled up, or do you leave those interactions, feeling negative thoughts, feeling more drained? Who are the people in your life and what are you doing for them? If you look at your life and you’re like, Hey, I don’t have five people that I’m close to.

[00:22:42] I’m pretty isolated. I’m kind of lonely. Reach out, whether it’s through your squadron or through a spouse’s club on base or to your key spouse, or depending on what branch you’re in, what that kind of program looks like. Start volunteering do something that allows you to make connections with people. Maybe it’s joining a playgroup or signing up for a Bible study at the chapel, whatever it is. Find some people to connect with. I say this all the time, but we are better together.

[00:23:18] Number three, if you don’t love where your duty station. Find one way to love it a little bit more, whether that’s an organization you can volunteer with, or one of my favorite things to do, which is I think harder to do when you have young kids, but still so important with every station, you can create a bucket list for that location.

[00:23:54] And maybe it’s not in that town itself, but in the surrounding area, make a list of activities and things that you can do. Go try whatever is available in that area. You know, whether it’s there’s some hiking available or some scenic views, or if you live near a river or whatever it is, I guarantee you, there will be something interesting that you can find out in that area. Get curious and explore. I guarantee this will make a difference in the way that you viewed the assignment.

[00:24:23] And then number four. At the end of the day, it comes down to your mindset. You can focus on the negatives, you can focus on what you wish you had, what you’re missing, or you can practice gratitude for what you do have.

[00:24:50] You may not love a particular location, but you can love the people or the community there. I could be frustrated by the lack of shipping options at my current location. Or I can focus on all of the beauty around me and the sunrises and the sunsets and the amazing opportunity it is to live on an island in the middle of nowhere.

[00:25:16] So you could focus on what you can’t do or what you get to do because of where you are. There are so many studies that tell us just how important our mindset is. To the way we view life, how important, how we frame the situation affects the outcome and our mental health. Even the Bible talks about this Proverbs 23 7 says as a man thinks in his heart, so he is.

[00:25:49] Let me put it this way. Your thoughts become your words, your words become your behavior. Your behavior becomes your habits and your habits become your values and your character. Who do you want to be? And how can you make the most of every day right now? I hope that what you take away from today is not that you’re doing things wrong or not.

[00:26:25] This isn’t meant to make you feel bad for the way that you feel. It’s not wrong to feel frustrated or angry or annoyed by a situation, but I want you to feel empowered. You are not powerless. You have the power to choose what you will do with what you’ve been given. The truth is something amazing could come out of this assignment and out of this season of your life, if you will choose to embrace it and make the most every day of what you have, right now.

[00:27:06] My prayer for you is that you will see your current situation as an opportunity to learn, to thrive, to grow and to move closer to who you are becoming and the impact you’re going to have in this world, that you will take those baby steps of action that help you build the life of purpose and of joy and of impact that you prioritize what matters to you and to your family.

[00:27:33] And that you have this opportunity, this one life that we’ve all been given, to make the most of it. Don’t waste it. I believe in you. And I know that there is a life that longs to live inside of you. A full and joyful and abundant life.

[00:28:05] If you found any value in today’s episode, would you please go share this message with someone. Encourage them to listen, leave us a review, find a way to get this message out to more spouses. I don’t want people to sit there and struggle kind of feeling trapped in their circumstances. I want people to know that they have agency, that we can make a difference in our own lives and how we interact with those closest to us and the world around.

[00:28:35] Would you send me a message if you found that today’s episode meaningful? You can tag me in your stories @milspousemastermind on Instagram, DM me, post in our Facebook group, or send me an email@christineatmilspousemastermind.com. Until next time may you live filled, fueled and full of joy.