Welcome to the MilSpouse Mastermind Show, the personal development podcast for military spouses. Sometimes it’s easy to listen or read about personal development, about goal setting, about mindset and growth and think, well, this doesn’t apply to me. This could never be me. It, it can feel a little unrelatable because it feels to us like other people have a lot more say in how they live their lives. They get to choose whether they’re going to live close to family and what kind of activities they want to do. The military isn’t telling them where to go, where to live, whether their spouse is going to be around.

But this podcast is all about how we take these same concepts of goal setting and of growth of purpose of thriving of building something that matters and how we can do it today, wherever we are, whatever our circumstances are as military spouses. It’s how we take these messy action steps to find a life that matters. It’s about chasing our dreams today rather than waiting for some future season. So today we’re asking the question, have you already given up on your goals and your resolutions for the year?

We’re going to talk about three keys to creating habits that stick. I think for many of us we’re great at starting off strong, but then by now, probably something has come along to knock you off your goals. So, what do we do when [00:02:00] that happens and how do we get back up and refocus on pursuing that habit or that goal?

Before we get started, I want to go ahead and take a moment to remind you that one of the best ways for other military spouses to find this information, to find our community and to become involved is by you sharing about this podcast with others. And there’s two ways that you can do that. Number one is by going to iTunes to subscribe and leave a review. The more reviews that there are, the more people that are going to see this podcast pop up in their feed. And the more people we can help with this information.

Number two, take a moment to go and share it to your stories or tell a friend or send them an email or anything that you do to just get the word out about the show is going to help so many more people. And the more people that tune in. The more that we’re going to be able to provide resources, to help all of us as military spouses thrive.

So if you need that reminder, pause the show right now, head over to iTunes and leave your review. And then let’s dig in to creating lasting habit change.

Okay guys, it’s March mid-March and I want you to think back. To the beginning of January when everybody was so excited that 2020 is over, we’ve started a new year, 2021. And we had what we call the January effect. Every time we enter a new year, everybody gets so excited about a fresh start. Everyone is hoping for something different.

That’s when everybody’s talking about setting goals and what habits do you want to have and how do you want your life to look different in the new year. Now, by January, the first part of January, everybody’s at the gym, the gym is so crowded, but if you wait till the end of January, it’s settled back down to a more normal rhythm because so many people give up on that change after only a few weeks.

And I think moving into 2021, we will see that this effect was even more pronounced. Because so much of what we did not like about the pandemic, about the need to social distance and how everything that was in our normal rhythms that changed, somehow that was all tied to a calendar year, the year of 2020. If we can just write off 2020 and move into 2020, everything’s going to be better.

Except we’re still in the middle of a pandemic. We are still social distancing. Things still have not returned to normal. My daughter is still goes to kindergarten and it was told not to share anything with any kid in her class. They have their own pencils. They have plexiglass between them. They eat lunch with plexiglass between them. It’s not normal. And thankfully, she has been consistently going to school in person for the last quarter. I know that’s not true for a lot of people.

So I do feel like she is blessed to actually be able to have some consistency in school, even if it’s not what I would consider normal kindergarten. But all that to say 2021 has not been the fresh start that we all were hoping for. Now we have a vaccine, we are moving towards getting to a more normal pace of life.

And hopefully in the next several months, we will feel more normalcy return. But what I also think is that so many of us have intensified this January effect. We’ve started off the year strong and we’ve already given up on change.

So even though it’s March, I want to have some time to chat about our goals:

what we set for the year, how we track those goals and what we do when we fall off the wagon. Now, I don’t know what kind of goal setting you do on an annual basis? I know back in the day I used to have my new year’s resolutions. Over time that has shifted to [00:08:00] what I call growth goals, looking at every aspect and area of my life and analyzing where I’m at and how I want to grow in each area, and what practical steps I can take to move forward in that area.

Today I’m going to give you three keys to developing lasting change. Because when we talk about new year’s resolutions, it’s not just about one time, something to be different. It’s about taking practical steps to shift our habit patterns. There are several great books out there about habits and habit change.

If you are looking for one to read, I definitely recommend Atomic Habits by James Clear. It’s a very practical guide of how we create and maintain positive habit change. But let’s start off with three keys to developing change. And then I want to talk a little bit about what goals you have set for 2021 and what to do if you’ve already fallen off the wagon.

1. Adopt a Growth Mindset

These three foundational concepts are going to help get us started. Number one, adopt a growth mindset. What do I mean by growth mindset? So often we want to be good at something we want to accomplish something. We want to feel competent and confident. And while there’s nothing wrong with any of these things, we can easily get tripped up into thinking that we can’t change or that change is too hard.

It’s the idea that if I can’t do it well right now, I probably shouldn’t try, or I probably won’t find success in this. We set ourselves up for [00:10:00] failure by what we think. It’s our mindset that matters. Carol Dweck wrote the book Mindset and it really dives into this idea of the fixed versus growth mindset and looks at the science behind it.

Whatever it is that you think you can or cannot do, that’s probably true. Because a growth mindset always believes that while I may not achieve whatever goal I set out, there is always room for me to improve. I can always get better. I can always learn something new. Versus a fixed mindset that says, Hey, I’ve learned all I can. I’ve reached the pinnacle of what I can do in this area. There’s nothing more for me to gain from trying. So I’m just not going to try.

Now the truth is that most of us have some combination of these fixed mindset and growth mindset beliefs inside of us. But we have to ask ourselves which mindset are we choosing to follow?

Are we choosing the path of “I can grow and change.” Or are we choosing to say, “It is what it is and there’s nothing I can do about it?” When we choose the growth mindset, there’s always room for growth and improvement and choosing this opens the door for possibilities and opportunities. So, we have to first start with choosing that growth mindset. Every expert was once a beginner. I may be a beginner, but there is always room for me to grow.

2. Focus on Habits and Foundations

Number two is to focus on habits and foundations, not outcomes. We focus on the process, not the outcome. I think, especially in the diet and exercise industry, we want to hit a specific number [00:12:00] on the scale, or we went to fit into a specific size clothing. And we make so much of our goals about the outcomes when what really matters is the process. Because true habit formation begins with incremental actions. It begins with things that don’t obviously move the needle. There’s this thing called the two-minute rule and it says that to establish a new lasting habit began with an action that takes no longer than two minutes to do. For example, losing 20 pounds can sound really daunting, but putting on your workout clothes and committing to work out for five weeks sounds a lot less daunting.

Writing a book is really hard. Writing two sentences is doable. This is one practice that I’m really working on for myself this year. I want to journal more, but I have been really inconsistent without, with making that happen over the last year. I’ve tried all of these different methods to figure out what works for me. And so this year, my goal is just to write two sentences every night. I don’t have a physical journal right now. I’m using an app on my phone because I know that I’m going to have my phone next to my bed at night. So when I get in bed, I open my journal app most nights and write at least two sentences about my day. Now my goal is eventually to write more about my day, but I need to start with that habit change that I can actually do. And so for me, that’s writing two sentences every night.

Another example of a healthy habit formation looks like choosing to drive to a gym, if it’s open, and committing to work out for five minutes. Or I’m going to go [00:14:00] take a five-minute walk or I’m going to choose an activity that just moves my body. It’s these tiny increments that actually make the biggest difference, because if I immediately jump in and say, I’m going to get super fit and I’m going to go work out for an hour a day, the truth is I’m probably not going to stick to that habit. diet. If I go all in and say, I’m going to completely change the way that I eat, and then I get thrown off by something at work that everybody’s having cake, or I get invited to a girl’s night out or whatever it is that throws off my rhythm, it’s super hard to get back into that rhythm. Especially, if the change is a super big change.

So instead of focusing on the outcome, we have to be able to make incremental progress. That is what really matters. The problem is when we start comparing ourselves to other people, or we get super frustrated and because we can’t see visible results from our effort. It’s going to take a while before we actually see results. But when we do this method, the results are much more likely to stick. Most diets fail because people are looking for drastic change. They make a big change for a very short period of time. And we try, just through willpower, through sheer determination, to make this thing work.

But let’s just say that you have an insane amount of willpower and you are able to hustle and achieve that goal. The research shows that that goal is much less likely to stick long term because it’s not sustainable. And when we, we reached that goal and then [00:16:00] those unhealthy habit patterns come rushing back in, we’re much more likely to achieve success when habits are built in small increments over time.

2. Remember Progress, Not Perfection

So I want you to focus on small change and the process of change rather than a specific outcome. And then third, remember progress, not perfection. You’re going to mess up. I’m going to mess up. I consider myself a recovering perfectionist, and I have to drill this into my head a lot, because I want to re-do something and re-do something until I get it right until I get it perfect.

And that’s just not going to happen. There’s no such thing as never forgetting or skipping a new habit. Our response is: Do we beat ourselves up when we mess up or do we just give ourselves grace and get up and try again? I say this because I am my own worst critic. Maybe it’s because I’m an Enneagram one, but I spend an insane amount of time wishing that I had done something differently, handled a certain situation or shown up in a different way, or I did better at communicating an idea.

And I can tell you all the ways that I feel like I’ve fallen short in what I do and the goals that I see. But I’m also learning the process of giving myself grace of knowing that this is not perfect. That I am not recording a perfect episode. I have to let that go and say, this is a learning process of me learning to share my heart with you and know that it’s not going to come out perfectly, that my words are not going to be perfect. That I’m not going to always show [00:18:00] up the way that I want to show up for you. And that’s okay, because this is a process.

Every effort leads me closer to the person that I’m supposed to become to the way that I’m supposed to show up and help you. And it’s going to be imperfect. It’s a journey. And I’m just thankful that if you are meant to listen to this, then I get to be real with you because I can’t show up any other way.

I have to be real because otherwise I get so stuck in trying to do this perfectly, that I will get myself stuck and I’ll never move from. I am learning to give myself grace and just know that I am taking steps forward, tiny steps in a forward motion. This is a journey there’s always going to be things that knock us off course.

And there’s always going to be obstacles to who we want to become in change does not happen overnight. You may sometimes feel like I end up sounding like a broken record, but I have to drill this into myself. And so I knew that maybe you need to hear this too, that we get so caught up in achieving something or getting the right outcome or doing things the right way.

Or I can’t do this because X, Y, and Z, when we just have to say, “Hey, show up, be authentic, do your best and let God do the rest.” So I want to, to leave you with this thought. It is a continual process of learning, trying, failing, getting back up again and trying again. It’s not this achievement, it’s not the end all be all of, I reached my goals the end.

And so circling back around, we’ve talked kind of about change and we’ve talked about how we tend to [00:20:00] set these goals in January. And then once we fall off the wagon, we don’t get back on the wagon.

And so I want you to take a minute and think back to the beginning of January, what goals did you set, if any. Or maybe you set a word of the year. I want you to revisit what you came up with and then take some time to evaluate whether you’ve made progress on those goals. There’s no judgment. But we’re never going to move forward if we don’t look back and see how we’re doing. There’s a saying that says what gets measured gets managed and the idea behind it is we’re only going to grow in the areas that we’re looking at.

If we’re not evaluating, then we’re not going to move forward. We are mid-March…We are almost April, which means we are almost a full quarter of the way through the year. And having that three month mark is a great time to sit down and evaluate your goals. Assess whether you are showing up as the person you want to be, if you are growing in the areas that you want to grow. And if not, take a look at what is causing you not to make progress in those areas.

Again, no judgment, but the first step is being able to notice what obstacles got in our way. And do we need to shift anything based on the way things are going?

I’ll give the example of my word of the year. So I started doing a word of the year back in 2019. And that’s really when I started focusing on being intentional, my [00:22:00] 2019 word of the year was intentionality.

I had taken significant steps towards who I wanted to become, but then I had a new baby arriving at the end of 2018. And I knew that my world was about to be turned upside down. I don’t know that I fully knew how hard it was going to be to maintain the gains that I’d already made with three kids under the age of four.

But here’s what matters. 2019 for me was about adjusting to life with three littles. And I can’t say that I made any measurable steps towards the person that I wanted to become, but I also didn’t not take any steps backwards. So while I didn’t feel like I was moving forward, I also knew that I had made progress and I was maintaining the gains that I had already made.

Sometimes we go through tough seasons, whether it’s a TDY or deployment or a new baby. Seasons happen. Life happens. Major life change happens. It could be a health diagnosis. Heartbreak happens, but usually every season comes to an end and we start this new season. We find our new normal, and we reach a point where we can look beyond just surviving that time period.

So 2020 came along and 2020 was this new season for me. My baby was now your old. And so my word of the year was becoming because I was so excited about finally moving forward into who I wanted to be and to really grow and move the needle mentally, spiritually, physically, relationally. And that I was going to actually make more progress on my growth goal journey, [00:24:00]

I was ready to move forward to become who God made me to be and the story he was writing with my life. And I was so excited about it. And then COVID happened. And, I got so frustrated because I was like, I’m not moving forward. I really had to come back to these truths.

My mindset is my mindset. On growing, even in a season of challenge, it begins with my habits and my foundations. No, I am not accomplishing all these goals that I set for myself in 2020, but I am I daily choosing to make better habits and choose better responses. And to be completely honest, there was plenty of moments in 2020 when I did not make better choices. When I knew that what would bring me the most joy is maintaining my morning routine, and I just didn’t feel like I could maintain that because early in the mornings became the only time that I had quiet time to get anything done without my kids asking questions.And so I let my morning routine go so that I could actually get stuff done before my kids woke up. Now I know that I am performing my best when I have a consistent morning routine.

So there are seasons of life where our priorities have to shift and we won’t grow the same way that we would if we were being consistent with our priorities, the habits and foundations that lead us to a life of peace and health and joy, rather than a life full of stress and striving.

So our journey begins with our mindset. It starts by focusing on our [00:26:00] habits and our foundations, and it builds through the process of progress, not perfection and ultimately leads us to who we want to become. And that’s what we want. Our new year’s resolutions, our growth goals, our words of the years. That’s what we should be moving toward.

So fast forward to 2021. Now I have very specific growth goals set again. I am trying to build in a lot more healthy habits and routines in my daily, weekly, monthly life. And part of this is taking time to evaluate how I’m doing with those habits and routines. Some days it’s really good. Some days not so good, but it’s definitely important to spend more time observing how I spend the hours of my day and my week and what the obstacles are that prevent me from accomplishing the things I want to accomplish.

So, in case you were wondering, my 2021 word of the year is rest. And when I first came to this word, I was a little disappointed because I think I wanted my word of the year to be about something that I accomplished or, you know, something a little more exciting than rest.

But when all of it boiled down, I realized that rest has to be the foundation for everything I do. If, if I am not regularly having time and space to. Everything else is going to fall apart. All of my other habits need to come from that foundation of rest for me.

Especially this week, I’ve been examining [00:28:00] how I want to spend my hours, my days of the week, and what things need to happen inside of a week that helps me be healthy. That helps me show up well for my spouse and for my kids. And for the people in my life. And then am I making time for rest? And if not, what is preventing me from doing that? And then really just observing.

I’ve noticed recently that two things come into play. One, it takes me about four times longer to complete a project than I think it will. Part of that just comes from living on a tropical island where nothing happens quickly. Where you try to order something online and you get to the last page of the checkout and you’re like, oh, this will not ship here. Or it will not ship to a PO box. And so those are regular occurrences in my life. Or I go to the grocery store and had this whole plan of what we’re going to make this week. And then they’re out of eggs this week. or we’re out of milk this week or fresh produce. Everything seems to take longer than the time I allot to it. And the second thing I noticed about myself this week is how much I still have that tendency to cut out the healthy habits when I feel like I’m in a time crunch. If I feel like 10 things need to get done and I only have time for five of them, then what’s the first thing that I like to cut? It’s my rest time. It’s my morning routine time, or my evening routine time. I still have trouble prioritizing personal habits of health that help me grow physically, mentally, spiritually. And so that’s definitely something that I am [00:30:00] working on this year and why my 2021 word of the year is rest. Because I have got to get my priorities right.

And I think everything else is going to flow out of me choosing to walk in rest, even when life gets crazy. So what I will remind you of is that if we want to develop lasting habit change, we first need to remember to adopt a growth mindset. We need to focus on the habits and foundations. We want to build not on outcomes, and we need to remember progress, not perfection.

Then I want to encourage you. If you have already set goals for the year and you fallen short of those goals, take some time over the next two to three weeks, and evaluate what is causing you to fall short of those goals. And what practical steps you can take to get back on track.

My hope and prayer for you is that despite whatever happens in 2021, that you are able to make progress on becoming who you are meant to be, to really learn, to thrive as a military spouse and to walk in your purpose with more joy and less overwhelm, and that you may feel filled, fueled and full of joy.