Over the last few weeks we’ve explored what it looks like to learn to thrive in seasons of chaos and change. We’ve looked at how failure is a part of the journey. And we’ve discussed what to do when life doesn’t look the way we want.
Often times our circumstances, struggles, and the chaos in our lives are brought on by events outside of our control. In those situations, we cannot control the circumstances, just our response to the situation. We can choose to survive…or we can choose to grow and thrive through those circumstances. As military spouses, we often learn to embrace the hard and make the best of each situation.
But today I want to look at the flip side of the coin: What happens when events and circumstances are within our control. What do we do when we’re comfortable with the status quo and nothing is forcing us out of our comfort zone?
CHOOSING COURAGE OVER COMFORT
How do we choose courage over comfort when we have the option to take the easy way out?
I’ll admit, before this year, I never really spent much time thinking about this question.
When I look back over the last decade of my life, there have been relatively few seasons where life has felt comfortable, where I didn’t feel stretched beyond my capacity. In the last ten years, I’ve lived in seven different homes, owned a small business, struggled with infertility, experienced numerous TDYs (temporary duty assignments) and deployments, weathered major health crises, had a miscarriage and given birth to three babies in just under four years.
I’ve spent most of the decade living closer to “overwhelm” than I have to “comfort and stability.” I’ve often felt like I’ve bounced from one chaotic season to the next…momentarily coming up for air…just to dive back into the next season of growth and challenge.
TAKING NOTICE
But, this summer I learned something else about myself.
When the racial tensions surfaced after the death of George Floyd, I took some time to reflect on the ways in which I intentionally and unintentionally perpetuate racial inequality. I listened to what others were saying. I explored what I had been taught about racial inequality, what I currently believed, and why. I read books and I pondered.
And I noticed two things:
1. How much pain is correlated with action
AND
2. How strong the desire for a life of comfort, security and ease remains inside of me
THE COST OF PAIN
Often times our primary motivator in life is pain avoidance. When we are in pain, we are willing to do almost anything to relieve that pain. The cost to relieve the pain may be great, but the cost to stay in pain is also great. When we are already uncomfortable, we are more likely to embrace discomfort and change.
Many people protested this summer because they are in pain. Their lives have been filled with intentional and unintentional acts of prejudice against them, simply because of the color of their skin.
I, on the other hand, am not in pain. My life and my safety are not in danger because of the color of my skin. My children’s lives are not in danger. And so, when I thought about my responsibility to the issue of racial injustice, I told myself “I have enough other things on my plate. I don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers.”
I could think those things because I was not in pain. I was not compelled to speak because my skin color does not cost me. Because of that privilege, I have the option to ignore a problem and choose the easy way out.
Which led to my second revelation. Even though I know the route to impact requires me to choose courage over comfort, the pull towards comfort and ease remains SOO strong.
THE ENEMY OF GOOD
Being true to your beliefs will actually make life more challenging, not less.
Susan David
In the book Emotional Agility, Susan David calls avoidance of discomfort the enemy of good. It is the enemy of the growth and change that leads to human flourishing.
The book of Matthew in the Bible describes a dialogue between a rich young ruler and Jesus. The rich young ruler says, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus reminds him of the Jewish commandments, including the command to love thy neighbor. But the rich young ruler realizes something is still missing. He says, “All these commandments I have kept. What do I still lack?” Jesus replies, “There is still one thing you lack. Go, sell all your possessions and come follow me.”
The Bible says the rich young ruler went away sad because he wasn’t willing to give up his wealth to follow Jesus.
A meaningful life doesn’t always equate to a life of ease and comfort. In fact, pursuing a life of impact will often cost us.
When life is easy, we are far less likely to think about anything too challenging or take action outside our comfort zone. It becomes easy to be protective of what we have. We stop growing. And we stop using our power for good.
THE LIFE WE WERE MEANT TO LIVE
You and I were meant to live a life of greater purpose, joy, and impact. Something inside of us longs to contribute in some way to building a flourishing world.
There is a large body of scientific research out there that demonstrates that a truly fulfilling life requires us to move towards discomfort, change, and uncertainty. It requires us to take risks; but there is great reward in doing so.
As Jessica Honegger, Founder of Noonday Collection writes, “There is a whole world out there begging for us to use the opportunity we have been given, to create opportunity for others, so that we – all of us – can flourish. So while comfort may beckon us, choosing courage will always be the route to impact.”
THE COST OF COMFORT
There is also a cost to not being in pain. But this cost is much more sinister, because it is not as immediate or obvious. When things are okay, we don’t feel the same motivation to take action. Sure, life may not be as fulfilling or as impactful as we hoped. But it feels familiar and comfortable.
We know that choosing to step outside our comfort zone and pursue a life of greater purpose and impact will cost us something. We wonder, “Will making a change really be worth the cost and effort?”
We ask questions like, “What if things aren’t really better on the other side? What if doing __________ costs me friends, acceptance, credibility, my reputation, stability, etc?”
Too often we choose the comfortable and the familiar over the path of courage and growth. We stop growing. We stop learning. We stop making an impact and contributing to building a flourishing world.
We distance ourselves from pain and wall ourselves off from that which makes us uncomfortable. We allow ourselves to remain comfortably ignorant. And we settle for mediocrity rather than a life of meaning and purpose.
PURSUING COURAGE OVER COMFORT
Deep down in our souls we know we are made for something more. Something that requires us to choose courage, growth and progress over comfort. But that’s easier said than done.
This exploration led me to realize that despite knowing that the path to a life of greater purpose, joy, and impact requires me to choose growth over comfort, I still must actively practice choosing courage over comfort. I must remain conscious of and guard against the pull of privilege and comfort.
No, I cannot pour myself out on behalf of every cause out there. But whether it is racial inequality, or human trafficking, or foster care, or some other meaningful cause, the fact is that I must choose to use my skills, my resources, and my opportunities to contribute to building a better world.
You have a unique set of gifts, passions, and life experiences, and when you step into your story, you contribute to building a better world.
You have something to offer, even if that contribution feels small right now. But, the only way to build a life of impact is through choosing the path of courage and connection over the path of comfort and complacency. So how can we begin to cultivate that choice in our daily lives?
Here are five strategies that will help us pursue the path to greater purpose, joy and a life of impact:
1. GET CURIOUS
Curiosity and knowledge-building grow together. The more we know, the more we want to know.
Brene Brown
One of the greatest things we can do to help us choose the path of courage is to cultivate a sense of curiosity about ourselves and the world around us. As children, we have an innate sense of curiosity about our world. We want to understand, to explore, to discover.
But as we grow, it is all-too-easy to get sidetracked by the responsibilities and disappointments in life. We lose that sense of wonder and that drive to explore. Cultivating curiosity is important because it is correlated with creativity, intelligence, improved learning and memory, and problem solving.
When we cultivate curiosity, it changes the chemistry of our brain. We learn better and retain more information. It is effortful learning experiences that help our brains continue to produce new cells and prevent cell death.
Although we all may differ in our talents, interests, and abilities, each of us can continually change and grow through application and new experiences. Getting curious will not make life easier, but it will give us a richer life and make us more alive, courageous, and open to growth.
2. THE TEETER-TOTTER PRINCIPLE
Staying emotionally agile requires us to find the equilibrium between over-competence and over-challenge.
Susan David
When everything is routine, there is no challenge or joy or discovery. However, our brains easily confuse safety with comfort. If something feels new, different, or unfamiliar, fear kicks in. That fear is healthy because it keeps us aware of potential challenges and dangers. Our fear response is designed to keep us safe, but we cannot let fear run the show.
There is also validity to not living in a constant state of stress and overwhelm. When we are over-challenged, we can become stressed in ways that inhibit our ability to thrive. We need times of rest to restore our souls. In seasons of struggle and challenge, there is nothing I want more than for the season of trials to be over.
The teeter-totter principle helps us strive for a healthy balance between the two extremes. We should seek to live “whelmed,” or at the edge of our ability. We should continually choose actions that push us just beyond our level of comfort. Here we will find a path to growth in a sustainable way.
3. STAY CONNECTED TO YOUR WHY
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
Friedrich Nietzsche
When something is new, it’s easy to find motivation and excitement for it, even when it’s challenging. But over time, motivation and passion can only get us so far. Necessity is what makes something a must instead of a preference.
We must understand why what we do matters if we are to be committed to something over the long-term. There will inevitably be obstacles that come our way and if our why (the reason we do something) is only surface deep, we will quit when the challenges come.
Each of us has a WHY – a deep-seated purpose, cause, or belief that is important to us and is the source of our passion and inspiration. We have the choice to either live into that purpose and positively impact the world around us; or we can settle for simply existing through life.
When we lose sight of what truly matters to us, we lose our why and we settle for comfortable, yet unfulfilled lives. In many ways the American dream is so antithetical to who we were meant to be. Success is not getting the right house, having the right number of kids, or obtaining the right job status. Success is living a life of purpose, joy and impact.
4. INPUT BEFORE OUTPUT
We can’t get to where we want to go in life until we trust the us that is taking us there, and unless that us is healthy and hearty and whole, we won’t arrive in one piece.
Jessica Honegger
Before we can achieve anything, we must be fueled and filled. Yes, it is possible to run on adrenaline for a short period of time, but that is not a sustainable path to long-term growth and impact. We must receive healthy inputs, so that we can continue to pour out to those around us.
As moms and military spouses, it’s easy to let self-care slide to the back burner. But engaging in healthy rhythms that feed our spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional health is vital to living a life of courage and impact.
5. BETTER TOGETHER
The journey belongs to no one but you; however, no one successfully goes it alone.
Brene Brown
The truth is that embracing a life of meaning and purpose isn’t meant to be done alone. As humans, we are hardwired to connect with others. We are meant to go together, not alone.
Courage is ignited through connection. And it is sustained when we have the encouragement and accountability of others who are spurring us on to a life of impact. Through the power of a supportive community, we can choose to ignore the naysayers, collaborate with others, and invite others in.
If those in your closest circle of relationships aren’t currently doing that for you, it’s time to expand your circle to include those who will push you toward the life you were meant to live.
A LIFE OF IMPACT
God has a plan to help bring justice to the world – and his plan is us.
Gary Haugen
The plan to bring justice to the world…is us.
Each of us has a unique set of skills and giftings that can impact the world for good. The path to impact will require us to lean in to the unfamiliar and the uncomfortable.
The life we were meant to live involves taking action and choosing courage over comfort. It happens when we cultivate curiosity about ourselves and others, when we find and pursue our why, when we seek to live at the edge of our abilities, when we institute healthy habits to keep us moving forward, and when we take action alongside others. Together we build a better world.
Choosing courage over comfort is not easy. The pull towards a life of ease and comfort will always beckon us.
So the questions I leave you with:
- Are you willing to plunge through your fears into a life of risk and reward?
- What is holding you back?
- Do you have a community that will encourage, empower and inspire you to live the life you were meant to live?