Growing up I had dreams of changing the world.
Perhaps it was reflective of my Enneagram One (the Reformer/Perfectionist) personality type.
I dreamed of being apart of something that truly mattered.
My first few years after college I spent a good deal of time volunteering in my spare time.
But then came marriage and littles and frequent moves and all of the sudden my spare time disappeared.
While I love my husband and children, in many ways it felt more like I was on a hamster wheel than actually making a difference in the world. I was dissatisfied with the way my life looked, but I wasn’t sure what to do about it or what needed to change.
Perhaps you can relate.
So I began to look at what others were doing and how they defined success. Some people had very specific goals they set out to reach. They created affirmations and spoke their goals daily.
I thought, maybe that would be the answer. Perhaps I just needed to set some specific goals for myself.
But (1.) I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do with my life and (2.) as a military spouse, I rarely feel in control of what happens in my life.
Life is constantly in flux. And because of that, it felt difficult to set a specific trajectory and move toward a specific goal.
Chances are that as soon as I start working towards a goal, we will move. I will start over, spend time making new friends, try to build a life in a new city, and help my kids get established. Every move takes a considerable amount of energy and effort – energy and effort that distract from pursing and accomplishing specific goals.
More than that, as I continue to grow, my interests and priorities tend to shift. Things that I was very passionate five years ago are not necessarily the same things that I am passionate about today.
Let me say this: setting goals is not a bad thing!
Goals are good things. Indeed, without goals, we tend to wander through life reacting to what happens to us, rather than proactively moving towards something.
But how in the world could I set measurable goals, and not get thrown off my game by every major life-change? How could I accomplish something with “real impact”?
That’s when I heard the statement, “The true measure of success is the legacy we leave behind.”
This got me thinking. Perhaps my goal-setting quandary had been caused by me asking the wrong questions about success and accomplishments.
Perhaps, the questions I should have been asking were: What kind of legacy do I want to leave? What do I want others to say about me after I’m gone?
I’ll admit, that last question is a bit morbid. But it does put things in proper perspective.
What do I want my legacy to be?
That I accomplished something “great?” Perhaps, but what if that never happens?
That I worked hard at a job? That I was a great mom?
Perhaps, instead of focusing on what I want to accomplish, perhaps I should focus on who I want to BE.
I began to explore who I was, the characteristics and values that defined me and who I wanted to become.
Eventually I settled on a total of 10 characteristics that described the person I wanted to be and the impact I wanted to have on others. It wasn’t perfect, but it was an important first step.
I printed these words out so I could see them daily. Initially, I hung them on my bathroom wall. I currently have a copy that sits on my desk and several copies in my journal. Every time I open my calendar or to-do list, there they are. Every time I sit down to pray and write, there they are.
The specific words that I want to embody continue to evolve. The more I sit with them, the more I consider if there is a better word that fits with what I want my life to be about.
But this exercise has helped me move from a place of wanting to “do” to a place of wanting to “be.”
I often fall far short of these qualities, but that’s when I remind myself that this is a journey of progress, not perfection. It is a journey that requires grace.
Joanna Gaines once made an Instagram post about motherhood. Her words have stuck with me. She wrote, “I promise you that [mom guilt] is a never ending cycle that leads to nowhere. Replace the word guilt with grace. Look for grace in the moments, the small wins that lead to the greatest investments in their little hearts.”
The same is true for our journey to becoming who we were meant to be. Replace guilt with grace. Because grace is sufficient.
As a recovering perfectionist, this is something I have to remind myself of often. We are all imperfect. We are all going to fail. And that’s okay.
But day by day, moment by moment, we can choose who we want to be and the legacy we want to leave behind.
What do you want your legacy to be?
