Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.

John Wooden

Hindsight is 2020 (Especially in 2020)

Back in February I had a chance to reflect on and set growth goals for the coming year. (Because who does that in January??). I examined each major category of my life (physical, mental, spiritual, relational, home and purpose) and identified opportunities for growth. 

After a year of primarily surviving with three kids under five, I was ready to start setting personal growth goals again. But the big “ah ha” moment for me came when I realized that my relational and purpose goals weren’t going to happen until I was emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy. When I am healthy, I have something to offer others. That’s why the rhythms of renewal we discussed in the last post, start with the input rhythms of rest and restoration, and then move to the output rhythms of connection and creation. 

Based on this realization, I made a plan for tweaks and habits I could implement to further my mental, spiritual and physical health. “These are the action steps I am going to take in 2020 …so that I can better connect with my spouse, my kids and with those I am in community with…so that I can ultimately make my highest contribution and use my gifts and abilities in service of others.”

Best Laid Plans

A month later, COVID happened. And overnight, all those well-thought-out action plans went out the window. Instead of finding more margin in my life, I suddenly had less. And over the last seven months, instead of making progress toward becoming more fueled and filled with life, I became even more depleted. 

I recently looked back at my journal from February and read through all the questions and answers I had written down. This particular section stood out to me: The question was, “What are you most afraid of in the next six months? What actions will you take to overcome that fear?”

I wrote: “I will embrace change with courage and an open hand.” 

When I wrote those words, I knew there was a good chance we would be moving this summer. But dealing with a global pandemic had not crossed my mind. While I fully believed those words when I wrote them, I completely underestimated the challenges I would face this year and how much my response would actually require. 

Embracing Seasons of Chaos and Change 

It is one thing to talk about the importance of showing up for and embracing the challenging seasons of life. But talk is just talk until it is matched with action. 

Six months ago I shared five questions that can help us shift our mindset & help us thrive in times of chaos and change. While the content of that post is still very much valid, I realize now that when I wrote that post, I still viewed the pandemic with a very short-sighted lens. Basically, my thinking was, “Here’s how we get through this three-month quarantine and come out stronger on the other side.” 

I conceptually knew that life wouldn’t exactly return to pre-pandemic normal, but I underestimated how much isolation would be involved and how many of my regular rhythms of rest and restoration would be curtailed. Heck, I didn’t comprehend that something as “normal” as going to a salon for a haircut would become a near-impossible luxury. 

When Weeks Become Months 

Six months into having the world turned upside down, some people have found their new rhythm, their new normal. They are thriving despite circumstances. They’ve found ways to replace the rhythms that were lost with different, sustainable rhythms. 

Others of us are still struggling to find our footing. The mental, physical and emotional toll of trying to navigate life and work and kids and school and family and civic responsibility is great. We were never designed to do life alone, much less try to navigate taking care of small children, while working, keeping up with the home, cooking all the meals and simultaneously teaching our children. It. Is. too. much. 

For me, on top of navigating a pandemic, the potential move became a reality. We sold our home (after keeping it show ready for nearly three months), packed up all our belongings and moved 15 time zones away to the other side of the world. 

I am currently in round two of sheltering-in-place, which means I’ve spent essentially six of the last seven months in quarantine. Preschools are shut down. School is virtual. My kids have only left the house a handful of times (other than moving halfway around the world). I’m now an accidental homeschool mom. We miss people. We miss activities. I miss adult conversation. And breaks from my kids.

Saying that I would embrace change in 2020 with courage and an open hand was one thing. Showing up every day and choosing to lean into the discomfort and uncertainty that 2020 has brought us is another. 

Sometimes We Fail

This summer was our fifth move in six years, and I would love to tell you that I have cracked the code on thriving in seasons of chaos…that I have learned to handle every last-minute change of plans with grace and resiliency. 

But the truth is that this has been a hard PCS (permanent change of station). Not simply because it’s my first OCONUS (overseas) PCS and not simply because we’re in the middle of a pandemic. All of those things are contributing factors, but the truth is because I wasn’t healthy to begin with, it made this journey much tougher.

Despite spending time reading about resiliency and trying to establish habits that fuel and fill me with life, despite all of my best efforts to reframe my thoughts and develop productive ways to handle stress, despite all of my prayers, I still struggled. I failed to thrive. 

I still let stress get the best of me. The mental stress load I was carrying caused my body to have a negative physical reaction and I ended up physically sick in bed with zero energy a week before our PCS. I felt a million miles away from all the goals I had set for myself back in February. And that only added to the frustration I felt.   

And that spiraled into negative self-talk. “Shouldn’t you be beyond this? You should know how to handle these situations by now. Why are you still struggling? You’ve gone through really stressful moves before. Shouldn’t you be an expert at this by now?”

As a recovering perfectionist, I am often my own worst critic. I struggle to give myself grace when I mess up. But failure is part of the journey. 

Emotional Agility

Learning to thrive in times of challenge and change is a process. We won’t always get it right. Change is hard. And it’s all too easy to get “hooked” by thoughts and feelings that don’t serve us. This is true…even when we “know better.” 

The ability to step back and unhook from these unproductive thoughts, feelings and emotions and choose better responses is called emotional agility. 

In the book aptly titled Emotional Agility, author and PhD Susan David writes, “We reach emotional agility through a series of tiny steps in everyday moments over the course of a lifetime.” Learning to thrive in seasons of chaos and change isn’t a skill that is mastered quickly or easily. It’s a process that develops over time as we choose better responses to our thoughts and emotions over and over and over again. 

Giving Grace

The starting point to living a life of greater purpose is not letting failure have the last word. It is baby steps of progress in a forward motion. It’s giving ourselves grace, showing up with curiosity and self-compassion.

We cannot change ourselves or our response to our circumstances until we show up and accept what is right now.  And accepting what is means accepting when we fail. 

We waste valuable time dwelling on our mistakes. We waste valuable time when we remain “hooked” by unhelpful thoughts and feelings. Self-compassion and curiosity help us accept what is, gain perspective, distance ourselves from our emotions and choose more courageous, productive responses.

A child’s sense of secure attachment – the idea that I, in all my imperfections, am loved and accepted – is what allows him or her to step out and take risks. Most of us are great at telling our kids that they are loved no matter what. And yet, we don’t always hold that same kind of space for ourselves. 

Failure and the Path To Greater Purpose

What if we showed ourselves as much love, acceptance and grace as we show our kids? Perhaps we would feel more confident and more willing to take the risks that lead us to a life of greater purpose and impact.  Perhaps we would find it easier to embrace change and uncertainty. 

Perhaps we would struggle less with perfectionism and outcomes and learn to embrace the journey of progress, failure, and growth. 

The path to greater purpose is full of fulfillment, but also failure. Are you ready to show up and accept what is with curiosity and compassion? 

In the next post, I’ll share more specific strategies about how to unhook from unhealthy thoughts, take ownership of our lives and make progress towards the life we want to lead – a life of greater purpose, joy and impact, despite our external circumstances. 

But for today, just notice your thoughts and feelings. Is there something you are holding against yourself that you need to let go? Show up, accept what is, and give yourself grace. 

Remember, failure isn’t fatal. It’s part of the journey.