Last night my two-year-old was up and out of her bed multiple times. I had an argument at 3a.m. with my four-year-old. And then my five-month-old decided she might as well have an early morning snack.
Let’s just say we all woke up tired.
In truth, my rhythms have all been off for the last few months. My baby isn’t on a consistent schedule. And ever since we moved my oldest two into the same room, it’s been a struggle to get both of them to sleep through the night. Meanwhile hubs moved to a new position at work, which means he’s often gone for 11 or 12 hours a day. On top of that, I started working part time.
Lately, I find myself having to choose between good, beneficial habits. Sometimes I choose sleep over my morning routine because I’m tired or because at least one kid is already awake. Other times I choose getting something done around the house over exercising. One gives me peace of mind. The other helps my physical and mental wellbeing.
Figuring out how to prioritize and practice self-care isn’t always straightforward. And sometimes it seems downright impossible to achieve.
It’s easy to know what to do when the answer is clear. It’s much harder when the choice is between two beneficial things. I want to spend quality time with my kids. I want to make my spouse a priority. I want to be physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally healthy. I want to be a good friend. I want to do meaningful work. I want to volunteer.
Those are all good things. And yet there are still only 24 hours in a day. So what’s a girl to do?
Balance.
Is that even possible? Well, it depends who you ask. Balance is one of those terms that engenders very polarizing opinions. Some argue that balance is impossible to achieve. Others recommend throwing out the term altogether in favor of the more trendy term, “integration.”
Last year I sat down to think through my life values, I kept coming back to the word balance. We know it’s not possible to do all the things all the time. But should we just accept that we will never achieve balance?
Yes, there will always be seasons where certain areas take back seat. Taking care of a newborn requires a lot of time and attention, which means other areas of my life don’t get as much attention. Seasons of deployment, moving, deadlines for school or work – these are all seasons that affect our ability to balance. But that doesn’t mean balance isn’t achievable.
In his book, High Performance Habits, Brendon Burchard suggests that the mistake many people make is to think of balance in terms of evenly distributed hours – a quantity expectation rather than a quality expectation. Rather, he recommends evaluating the quality or progress of specific life areas instead. Am I working towards meaningful goals in my mission/work, finances, health, spirituality, relationships, hobbies, etc?
Perhaps the better question is, “Am I progressing in the areas that matter to me?”
Burchard goes on to say that, “You’ll always feel out of balance if you’re doing work that you don’t find engaging and meaningful.”
I would argue that there are always things that need to be done that aren’t particularly engaging or meaningful. Thus, I would say that:
Balance requires looking at the less fun tasks in a different light. I don’t particularly enjoy cooking or cleaning the house. But I do enjoy having a clean home and I do enjoy eating healthy meals.
- Balance requires that I include elements in my life that fill me up. I must do things that I do find meaningful and engaging.
So how do we get there?
1. Figure out your values and priorities.
Before we can figure out the HOW, we need to figure out the WHAT.
The best way to achieve balance, is by determining which things matter to you, which things fill you up, which things you find engaging and meaningful.
What I value might be different than what you value. This is why self-awareness is key. The values that we choose then serve as a measuring stick for the choices and decisions that we make.
Think about who you want to be and what you want to be about.
Ask yourself:
- What do I value?
- What makes me come alive?
- What do I enjoy doing?
- What does balance look like to me?
Last year I was part of a group of spouses and one of the things we were challenged to do was to sit down and consider our values. What things were most important to each of us? Could we narrow it down to our top 10? Top 7? Top 3?
It took me a little while to think through things because there are a lot of good values. There are a lot of things I enjoy. I finally narrowed it down to the following:
I value having a life-giving home and making sure our family is taken care of. I value living out my faith. I value having time to invest in relationships with others. I value spending time on activities that help me grow, give me purpose and make an impact on others.
Because of these values, I chose to not pursue a job opportunity that would have added additional stress to our family and would have prevented me from having time to pursue relationships with others. Instead I pursued an opportunity that gave me a lot more flexibility and was more in-line with my desire to focus on purpose and impact.
For us, that decision meant having to tweak our budget a little. What do you value and how can you shift your life and commitments to reflect those values? It might mean choosing not to work, or looking for a family-friendly work environment, or perhaps pursing a virtual work option. It might mean choosing to carve out time for self-care. It might mean finding a volunteer organization to participate in. It might mean setting aside more time to spend as a family.
The key is to first know what matters and then begin thinking through how your life and schedule reflect those values.
2. Shift your mindset.
Let go of guilt, fear, excuses, distractions, doubt and being overwhelmed. Instead, embrace what is possible.
Too often we fall into the trap of assuming that this is the way life is.
Things don’t have to be a certain way. You don’t have to be a stay at home mom. You don’t have to work full time. You don’t have to keep the status quo. Things probably won’t change overnight, but if you believe change is possible and you keep pursuing that dream, things will eventually change
The belief is important. I read a quote recently that said, “Whatever you think you can or cannot, you’re right.”
Think on that for a minute. Do you really believe that life can look different? Do you believe there is a situation that gets you to building a life of freedom, flourishing and influence?
If you don’t, then changing your mindset is where you have to start. Whether it is losing weight or being content with where you live, or loving the life you’re in, you have to focus first on mindset.
Maybe you’re scared to start a new entrepreneurial journey. Or take up a new hobby. Or step into a new season of life. What is holding you back? And what needs to shift in your mind?
This is the true difference between those who are successful and those who aren’t.
3. Make a plan.
If the question is “am I progressing in the areas that matter to me?,” then we must evaluate and reflect on where we are, and make a plan for moving forward.
The plan will probably involve making adjustments. After all, if you already had all of this figured out, you probably wouldn’t be reading this.
It might require you to step out of your comfort zone. But nothing will change, unless you make a plan and then act on it. We must be intentional about the type of life we want to cultivate. And we must be intentional about seeking balance in it.
Burchard recommends taking time weekly to reflect and evaluate. I’m not there yet.
But I am taking time to think through my commitments and responsibilities.
- What should I say yes to?
- What should I say no to?
- What should my schedule look like?
- Can I commit to that schedule?
- Will I have enough margin for the things that matter?
4. Remember that every day is a new day.
It’s not always easy or straightforward. Some days are difficult. But again, this where mindset comes in. Even if a day…or a series of days…or even an entire season is challenging, don’t give up. Each day is a new day. Each day is a chance to try again. Each day is an opportunity to grow and flourish.
And The ultimate key to balance? Not falling.
Yes, we will stumble. But we can shift and pivot to keep from falling. Not everything can be the priority. And the thing that is priority will change depending on the season that we are in.
Sometimes sleep takes priority. Other times we need a time of prayer and meditation. Sometimes the house needs to be cleaned. Other times we need to focus on our physical health or the needs of our family. We make the best choices possible with the information that we have.
One of my favorite mantras is progress, not perfection. It’s not about achieving a specific end state. Rather, it is about the journey. It is about taking a step towards a life of freedom, flourishing and influence.
What are you struggling to balance right now? Drop me a note in the comments.
On the journey with you!
Christine
